Mandatory Sterilization (Yep, I said it)

I am a proponent of mandatory sterilization and here is why: (my true feelings mixed with some humor)

I believe that some people should not be allowed to breed.  For example, a while ago a mother left her two infant children alone in a bath tub while she was outside on her patio surfing the web.

Solution easy– tie her tubes, she shouldn’t be allowed to have any more children and take the one surviving child away from her.

Any time a mother or father does something this stupid, they should lose their breeding privileges and they should be sterilized.  Why should they be allowed the potential to harm any more children?  Makes no sense to me.

I mean when someone gets a few DUI’s or speeding tickets, the government takes your license away.  Why not sterilize then?  If a parent makes 2 idiotic life threatening mistakes in respect to their children, bring out the scalpel.

“But I didn’t think little Skeeter would get hurt if I locked him inside the house with my 3 pit bulls while I was out buying lotto tickets and getting another case of Natural Lite Ice, he is 3 years old now.”

Sorry dip-shit, put your feet in the stirrups, it’s time to get neutered.

I know what you are thinking…….“but surely there will be opposition from the people you are wanting to sterilize.”

Of course there will be opposition, but that’s an easy fix.  All you have to do is offer them cases of Mountain Dew, Benson & Hedges cigs, barrels of ranch dressing, gift certificates to Dollar General, or free tanning coupons.  That should do the trick.

“I didn’t know that if I left Betty Lou locked in the car while I ran into Cato looking for stirrup pants that she could get injured.  I mean I even turned the car off and rolled up the windows so as to make sure the engine didn’t make her hot.  It was only 95 degrees out.  I really needed them stirrup pants anyhow, I had to try on 4 pairs, I was only gone 45 minutes.”

Sorry miss, put your feet in the stirrups, it’s time to harvest your uterus.

Seriously, there are plenty of people who shouldn’t be allowed to breed.  Sterilization seems like a great idea to me.  Any thoughts??

The First Honest Obituary

Recently, my grandfather passed away at the age of 88.  I won’t bore you with the details.  He was a great man, lived a great life and he died.  That’s just life.

As my family prepared his obituary for the local paper, it got me thinking about a couple of things.  Have you ever noticed how obituaries are always positive and always portray the dead person as a freaking saint?

Now, this has nothing to do with my grandfather, he actually was a saint and never hurt a soul.

But, I would like to prepare an obituary for a hypothetical dead person who was a real piece of shit.

Billy Ray Bumpkus 1980-2012, from Anytown, USA

Well, we all knew it was coming.  Satan finally cashed in Billy Ray’s soul ticket and took him to the depths of hell where he belongs.

We all wondered how it would happen.  Hell, the whole family and neighborhood had a death pool going.

Congrats to Billy Ray’s cousin Lula Bell who correctly predicted that he would die by being bitten by his pet Black Mamba named Hitler.  $100 to you Lula Bell, well done.

Early Life:  Billy Ray was a fairly destructive child.  At age 7, while still breastfeeding, he stumbled upon his neighbor’s meth lab and set the entire trailer park on fire when he tried to light a Newport.  After that incident, Billy Ray began drinking heavily and became known as the “Trailer Park Firestarter.” Continue reading

Extra Mayo

arbys_philly_beef_02When I asked for extra mayo on the side, she stared at me with those banjo eyes.  You know the eyes I mean.

The eyes that seem to be much farther apart than they should be.  Eyes that have watched cousins touch each other in the dark, warm areas only non-relatives should be allowed to touch.

Her quizzical expression reminded me of how a squirrel’s mind must feel when it crosses the road in front of a car safely, then darts back from where he came from. But her expression was far less urgent than the squirrel narrowly escaping death.

“Extra mayo?  You sure about that,” she said with a southern baptist twang.

“Absolutely dear.  Haven’t you ever had mayo on a philly cheese steak?” I answered a bit angrily.

And why did she give a shit about my mayo ordering habits?  After all, this was an Applebees in the deep south and not exactly a bastion for health nuts.  I naturally assumed that mayo was quite popular here. Continue reading

Dear Kyle (the troll pit-bull owner)

whitetrashSadly, my posts about pit-bull owners seem to attract the most attention.  After reading my post; Pit Bulls, White Trash & Ghetto Fabulous A-holes, an incredibly angry pit-bull owner named Kyle sent me the following comment:

“The jackass that made this blog needs dog bit. I own a pit and have bred dozens of small breeds for years. Bit atleast a dozen times and it was stupid yuppie people with furr ball house dogs. Your stats may be close to right but you can’t blame it on the breed. Guarantee small furry dogs bite ten times more than pits but it’s never recorded. Wonder why??? Jackass’s like you”

Thank you Kyle for supporting just about everything in my post that relates to DUMB-ASS Pit-Bull owners.  Essentially, your quote is nonsense.  I do want to thank you for letting me know that I “needs dog bit.”

So how long did it take to pass the high school equivalency exam?  It probably sucked that the test proctors wouldn’t let you bring your seeing-eye Pit-Bull into the exam with you.  Discrimination is terrible.  You must fully understand now how Rosa Parks felt. Continue reading

Pit Bull Snacks on Boy’s Genitals

dogFirst, I would like to make it clear that I love animals, especially dogs.  I love pit bulls.   I think they are beautiful dogs, but there comes a point when even the most ardent pit bull defenders need to wake up a bit.

So what happens when a 5 year-old boy wants to crawl into bed with his aunt to get some sleep?

Well, you guessed it, the aunt’s pit bull bit off his genitals. (Here’s another fun pit bull attack story.)

I can hear the pit bull defenders now:

“But that kid should have known better.” 

“The pit was just protecting his mommy.”

“Well you know that a recent study showed that Daschunds (hot-dogs) are the most aggressive breed.”

Yep, but here’s the big difference; if you get bit in the dick by a hot-dog, you only lose the tip.  A free circumcision if you will.  When a pit bull bites your dick, you lose the whole dog and possible the bun too. Continue reading

Mad, Dumb-Ass Pit Bull Defender (Hilarious)

Well, a while ago, I wrote a post about Pit Bulls and how I get tired of hearing people defending them.  Pit Bulls, White Trash & Ghetto Fabulous A-Holes

I thought it may get some negative feedback and below are the comments from a Pit Bull lover and my replies:

June: “Your so fucking stupid! Go look up what breeds of dogs have the most attacks per year! I have 3 pit bulls and a 3 yr old and 3 month old baby! U make me sick! I trust my pit bulls! Can’t trust my blue heeler with my children or other animals at all.. now answer this TRUTHFULLY! HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET A PIT BULL?! HAVE YOU BEEN ATTACKED? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BITTEN BY A DOG?! AND WHAT FUCKING BREED WAS IT?!” Continue reading

Pit Bulls, White Trash & Ghetto Fabulous A-holes

(I’m reposting this because it was one of my most popular posts)

I have always loved animals, especially dogs.  I grew up with pet boxers and love them to this day.  Currently, I don’t have any pets because of allergies and laziness; I like to be able to leave my home without worrying about taking care of animals.

I grow increasingly tired of listening to people trying to defend why Pit Bulls are gentle and non-dangerous.  Here are my thoughts:

  • Pit Bulls were originally bred as “catch-dogs” to hunt down wild cattle and wild hogs
  • Their jaws are ridiculously strong
  • Ghetto fabulous assholes have used Pit Bulls as fighting dogs to make money for years (insert Michael Vick jokes here)
  • Drug dealers, of all races, use Pit Bulls to protect their stash houses
  • Rednecks use Pit Bulls to hunt hogs and to make themselves feel tougher
  • White Trash use Pit Bulls to protect their trailers and to accompany their exotic snake collections
  • Men with small dicks have Pit Bulls because they can’t afford Corvettes

You know, Pit Bulls are beautiful dogs, but they will always be incredibly dangerous.  Even if one is raised correctly, they can still be deadly.

There is a reason why you don’t hear about Golden Retrievers mutilating humans; they just don’t have the temperament or jaw strength that a Pit Bull has.

Hey White Trash, thanks for having a Pit Bull near your little daughter, well done asshole. Poor kid.

Here’s the huge difference: if a Retriever bites you it will probably draw some blood and you may need a Band-Aid.  If a Pit Bull bites you, depending upon your age and size, you will need stitches and you may die.

So, as long as America has Dumb Rednecks, Ghetto Fabulous Assholes, White Trash and men with small dicks; Pit Bulls will always be dangerous.