Toilet Etiquette

(I’m reposting this because it’s one of my favorites and I think I’ve lost some viewers since I changed the name of my blog)

One of the most important things in our everyday lives is going to the bathroom. Amazingly, this is something that most people neglect and take for granted. So, I wrote this post to help inform others on how to go to the bathroom effectively. (this applies to men and women)

When To Go Tinkle?
Well, normally you will feel a tickling sensation or pressure in your bladder area.

This can range from a subtle nudging feeling to a downright burning, “OMG, it’s time to go” feeling. The OMG feeling is usually present while drinking at bars. Continue reading

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My Embarrassing Public Toilet Story (full version)

(This is the full version of my earlier nomination story inspired by howtodateboys)

A few years ago when I was newly dating my girlfriend (she’s my wife now), we went to our downtown area for drinks and dinner.

We went to a newer tapas restaurant and sat at the bar.  I drank a couple Heinekens while my wife had a couple liquor drinks.  We ordered a few of their tapas selections and started eating.

Then, out of nowhere, I felt a pain in my stomach that almost knocked me off my bar stool.  Although there was loud music playing in the bar area, I think everyone in the place could hear the rumble inside my belly.  It was like a mini-gastric-earthquake ripping through my body.

I knew I had to get to a bathroom within about 5 minutes or I was going to basically shit myself.

Now, if you’ve read my blog before you know that I’m not exactly a huge fan of public restrooms and I was doing every mental exercise I could to trick my stomach from unloading.

And I also was still in the somewhat new “dating” phase with my soon to be wife and needed to remain cool and un-sweaty.

But, the fecal gods had an entirely different plan for me that night.  As a couple beads of sweat started trickling down my forehead, I ordered water.  Continue reading

In Africa….(Parenting 101)

(Raising children is no easy task.  When my children whine and complain about insignificant shit, I generally will try to help them achieve perspective by reminding them of what kids in other countries don’t have.  I didn’t pick Africa for any special reason, it just always seems that poor Africans are more publicized than poor people in other countries.  I mean no disrespect to the fine people of Africa and it sounds better than saying, “Kids in Bosnia….”.)

When my children complain about what’s for dinner, cleaning their rooms, what we are doing during the weekend or what we are going to do on vacation, I may say the following:

  • Well, you should feel lucky; kids in Africa have never even seen pizza.  Their idea of pizza is a dung beetle covered in Sahara sand, washed down with a few drops of their own urine.
  • Well, you should feel lucky, kids in Africa take their showers in a waterfall jumping over crocodiles and rhinos that are trying to eat them.
  • Well, you should feel lucky, kids in Africa don’t even have a room to clean.  Instead, they get to clean the empty hyena carcasses left over from the hunt to make jackets for them to stay warm at night.
  • Well, you should feel lucky, kids in Africa don’t even have Ipods and have no idea who Justin Beiber is.  (My bad, the kids in Africa win that one.)
  • Well, you should feel lucky, kids in Africa don’t even have toilets to flush, instead they dig a hole in the ground underneath a briar patch and hope a rival tribe doesn’t kidnap them and force them into becoming a child soldier.

True story, one day my oldest daughter said, “There is a girl in my class who is from Africa and she has an Iphone, takes normal showers and loves pizza.”

HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT, I thought to myself, my gig is up.  I’ve never claimed to be the best parent, but I always try to teach my children some valid life perspective.  If you have better ideas please let me know.

Blog Awards and Deez Nutz

At first, I didn’t always appreciate being nominated for blog awards from other bloggers.

But that’s because I can be a intolerable, selfish asshole sometimes.

I now realize nominations are a great way to get to know other bloggers and share their talents.

Thanks MrMary, for nominating and always supporting me, I truly appreciate it.

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Describe 7 things about yourself
  • Nominate as many other bloggers as you want

Seven things about me:

  1. I have a terrible fear of public toilets
  2. If possible, I would resurrect Bill Hicks from the dead because I desperately want to hear his opinions about the current state of America
  3. I think 99% of politicians are absolutely full of shit and people who don’t realize that fact should be banned from talking
  4. I honestly worry that China will one day take over America and we will be eating fried golden retriever nuggets and getting to work via rickshaws
  5. I truly believe that the Kardashians are one of the worst influences for today’s children
  6. I am a truly sincere, caring person, even if some of my posts may not reflect that.
  7. I like to call my friends and ask them a question where their response to me is, “Who”.  Then I say “DEEZ NUTZ!!!!!”  I know it’s juvenile, but it cracks my ass up

NOMINATIONS:

Reclusewritings– some very interesting writing here

Trashbaggage’s Blog– always some humorous shit

Mooselicker- he may have similar toilet issues like me

Things Could Be Worse– seems like a cool guy even if he does like Boston sports teams

Wisethisnews– seems a bit clever

Uninspired Revolution– some cool stuff here

The Life of J-Wo– interesting

 

TMI: Most Embarrasing Night Involving a Toilet

Thanks to howtodateboys for nominating me and encouraging me to share a terribly embarrassing moment in my life.

(I have some deep-seeded public restroom issues.)

The Scene: My wife and I at a tapas restaurant sitting at the bar.

The Event: I felt a pain in my stomach that almost knocked me off my bar stool.  Although loud music playing in the bar area, I think everyone in the place could hear the rumble inside my belly.

It was like a mini-gastric-earthquake ripping through my body.  I dropped my pants and the second my pasty, white cheeks touched the porcelain seat, EXPLOSION!!!  It was like a giant cow patty.  Final, relief was mine…….. for the moment.

The Problem: I cleaned myself and reached to flush.  HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT………… the toilet would not flush. MAYDAY, MAYDAY………the toilet would not flush.

I pulled the back lid off and started tinkering with the mechanical innards, but nothing worked.  My cow patty was not going anywhere.

Decision time; I washed my hands quickly and carefully cracked the door to see if anyone was waiting in the hallway.  The coast was clear so I walked briskly back to the bar and stood next to my wife at the bat.

“Wow, that sure was a long pee.  Aren’t you going to sit down,” she said.

“Nope, it’s time to go.  We have to leave now,” I said as I put down plenty of cash next to our plates.

As we were walking out the door, I looked back over my shoulder and noticed a few employees gathering in the bathroom where I left my destruction.

My Nominees:

A Spoonful of Suga; Mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins

Flamidwyfe’s Blog

John the Aussie

Commander in Chic

Magic in the Backyard

Emily He

Pigeon Heart