Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

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God in Schools (the end is near)

letter-from-godIn traffic today I saw this bumper sticker:

“Dear God, Why do you let bad things happen in schools?” “Dear Son, I’m not allowed in schools.”

I almost crashed into the back of the car when I read this.  This is the kind of unintelligent, undynamic,  and unoriginal thought that has been and continues to ruin this country.

(Yes, I am aware that undynamic is probably not a word, but I like it)

Maybe I’m the idiot here, maybe I’m the dolt, the blockhead, the bonehead, the meathead, the lunk………..well, you get the idea.

I fail to see any logic with that bumper sticker.  I fail to see any logic at all.

I’m guessing that if kids in school prayed more there would be less teachers sending them texts of their cocks, tits and fucking them in detention.  And I mean true “fucking” in the sexual sense, not “fucking” them as in fucking them out of a decent education. Continue reading

Dear Chris Christie (letter from a Duh’Merican)

chris-christie-eating

(Thought I would re-post this given the current debacle he’s in.  I actually heard him say that he found out about everything after he finished “working out.”  Yeah right.)

Are you really going to be running for President in 2016?  Are you really going to be the face of the Republican Party?

Well, I guess you are a fairly accurate representation of the American people.  After all, I think it’s being reported that around 36% of all American adults aged 20 and over are considered obese.

Even after your lap-band surgery, you still appear to be almost morbidly obese.  But there is plenty of time for you to “de-supersize” yourself before you make a bid for the presidency.

I’m not sure what it says about a person who has to have a band surgically implanted around their stomach to curb their voracious appetite.  This apparent lack of self control makes me a bit worried about how you may behave yourself if elected President.

Forget about religion and gay marriage, let’s talk about GMO’s and large sodas.  Yippeeee.

Could you imagine the power you would have?  You could have sexy hookers feed you chicken wings while they dancing naked around your own personal “oral”, I mean oval office. Continue reading

When Life Changes

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.” Kurt Vonnegut

I realized the other night just how much my life has changed in the past few years.
I’ve always been a sports fan and the College Football National Championship was on the other night.

Juan-Pablo-Bachelor-Contestants-PicturesI fully planned on watching the game rather than anything else that night.

But after about five minutes I realized that my wife and three daughters had coaxed me into watching the Bachelor premiere.

So, instead of watching sports, I was suddenly playing a game of “pick which hooker we want to get the rose.”  It was at this point that I realized my life had drastically changed. Continue reading

My New Hero (Charles P. Pierce)

“Idiot America is a strange, disordered place.  Everything is on the wrong shelves.  The truth of something is defined by how many people will attest to it, and facts are defined by those people’s fervency.  Fiction and nonfiction are defined by how well they sell.  The best sellers are one shelf, check by jowl, whether what’s contained in them is true or not.  People wander blindly, following the Gut into dark corners and aisles that lead nowhere, confusing possibilities with threats, jumping at shadows, stumbling around.  They trip over piles of fiction left strewn around the floor of the nonfiction aisles.  They fall down.  They land on other people, and those other people can get hurt.” Charles P. Pierce from the book Idiot America

 

America

I have been searching for a while and finally found my new hero.  His name is Charles P. Pierce.  His book Idiot America is an absolute must read, absolute must read.

He is brilliant, but will never be as popular as Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus.  That is why I fear the battle may have already been lost.

Pierce is not sexy, he is not charismatic, he does not man-scape, he does not fake tan, he is not Hollywood in an way, shape or form.

Sadly, Pierce is just an incredibly gifted writer and communicator who understands the “big picture” of our culture and rips into that culture without regard for offense.

He researches and brings the truth to light.  But sadly, most of Idiot America could care less about the truth.  Idiot America wants TMZ, American Idol and wants to suck the Kardashian tit until the milk is gone.

That’s why China has already won.

Thank you Mr. Pierce for what you do, thank you.  I only hope more people will discover you.

China- Still Winning

reese-witherspoon-cancels-fallon-appearance-after-arrestI argue with people quite often about the current health of American Society.  And when I use the term “health”, I mean the current state of the American people as an educated society.

I poke fun at my country and often say that China is winning.  So today, I went to a website visited daily by millions of Americans just to keep up with current events.

According to TMZ, this is what Americans care about today:

Story 1- Reese Witherspoon’s infamous “you are going to know who I am,” moment.  Ah Reese, so nice to see you putting into practice all that legal knowledge from your Legally Blonde movies.

Apparently, millions of Americans care about a washed-up actress who thinks she’s better than all the sheep who watch her movies.  Your husband was drunk, shut the fuck up and obey the cop.  Newsflash- Georgia cops don’t give a fuck about Hollywood.

Story 2- “Teen Mom Farrah Working Another Pole”  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  Here is a girl who was on television for breeding too early.  When her tiny pinch of fame began to dissipate, she decided to follow in the steps of Kim Kardashian and make a fuck movie.

BRILLIANT.  Hey America, all you have to do for fame is fuck somebody, video tape it and then pretend you had no idea your bleached asshole was on the internet.

Story 3- Only 3 Words Necessary– LINDSAY…..FUCKING….LOHAN.  I didn’t get past the headline, but I assume it has to do with court, drugs, lawyer and rehab.

In the interest of time, I’m going to stop there because the next stories are essentially a regurgitation of the first ones.  Only the names are different.

So America, don’t bitch when China takes over and we are eating fried golden retriever puppy nuggets, taking rickshaws to work at a factory making cheap, plastic toys for Wal Mart.

I warned you.  China is still winning.

Dear Twilight Freaks,

(While reading this, keep in mind that somewhere inside her New Orleans mansion, Anne Rice is pulling her fucking hair out)

Hey Twilight freaks, get a fucking grip.

So, it appears that Kristen Stewart may in fact be a dirty, little whore.

The pictures of her butt snuggling with a married man were not photo shopped and she actually admitted cheating on her vampire boyfriend Robert.

Hold the fucking phone!!!

How could she do such a dastardly thing?  How could she betray such a wonderful vampire????

WHO FUCKING CARES!!!!  Holy shit people, get a fucking life already.

VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL.  I repeat, VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL.

But don’t freak out too much, for all you know Stephanie Meyer may have added this plot twist for the next movie.

I know how difficult it can be for people to separate reality from movies, but the vampire world is a very intricate one.

On page 37 of The Vampires are Probably Real handbook; it states that “reality is truly the creation of the believer.”

So wipe those tears away, clean up that runny nose and text all your friends that there could be a new Vampire Rising.

What could that mean you ask?  Duh, what if Kristen bit that guy she cheated on Robert with?  That means he’s a vampire now.

Holy Shit, now all you freaks have to decide on Team Edward, Team  Jacob or Team Cheater Guy.

Oh dear, I can smell your desperation and it reeks.