Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

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Duck Shit Out of Control

DUCK-DYNASTY-FLAGThis duck shit has gotten way out of control.  This was confirmed for me when I scrolled across the “breaking” news headlines on a major news website where Duck Dynasty was second only behind the Russian bombing.

What the hell Duh’Merica?
Then I looked on my personal Facebook page and a friend of mine wrote in regards to the bearded duck redneck, “Although I do not agree with what he said, I believe in his freedom to say it without censure.  It is, after all, what our troops are fighting for.”

I was satisfied with the first part of that quote, but the second part is absolute propaganda bull shit.

I guess people really believe that our troops are still fighting for our freedom.  Freedom from what?  We are already free, have been for quite a while now.

It still amazes me that so many Duh’Mericans still believe that we are freedom fighting in the middle east. Continue reading

Shhhhh……Duh’Merica is sleeping

The pillow is so comfortable; so damn comfortable as you sink into the feathers.  It was a long night of catching up on Honey Boo-Boo episodes, you deserve a rest.

Shhhhh, don’t wake up.  While you count Kardashians jumping over your drool-stained cheeks, America is supplying weapons to a new group of dark-skinned rebels who will one day crash another plane.

The temperature is perfect; so damn perfect with the ceiling fan on full blast.  You pull one leg out from the sheets to remain cool.  After all, the jacuzzi scene on the Bachelor was hot tonight.  All those strangers sucking face.  You would cut your arm off to be the next star.

Shhhhhh, don’t turn over to quickly, you might wake.  While you dream of McRibb sandwiches, America just listened to every one of your phone calls and read all of your text messages because you used the word “B O M B” on Words With Friends.

The birds are starting to chirp as you stretch your arms above your head.  What a good sleep, maybe you should roll back over and get another 30 minutes or another 30 years.  While you decide to hit snooze, America is still trying to convince the world that prayer will make everything better.

Shhhh…. Duh’Merica is sleeping and I’m afraid they will never wake up.

 

A Hipster Being Searched by a TSA Agent

(WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE CONSIDERED RACIALLY INSENSITIVE AND POLITICALLY INCORRECT, BUT THAT’S WHAT I DO BEST.  And by the way, if you’ve ever been to the Atlanta airport, this could be very close to the truth.)

Here’s what happens when a hipster has a layover in the Atlanta Hartsfield International airport on his way to the Wakarusa Music Festival in Ozark, Arizona for some ironic concert fun.

Characters: Jude the Hipster and Lakeesha the TSA Agent

Lakeesha- (appearing disinterested and extremely bothered to actually be at work) Excuuuuuse me Mr. Hairy face with the stupid-ass hat on, step over hear please.  You have been selected for a random search.  My name is Lakeesha and I am a special search agent for the Transportation Security Administration.

Jude- (speaking like he’s ingested a handful of shrooms)  Whoa, I heard about this when I was drinking green tea the other day.  Very trippy, please be gentle, it took me forever to get my hat to sit just right on my head.

Lakeesha- (already getting angry) Green tea????  What in the hell is green tea?

You dumb-ass white folks always trying to drink shit that you think make you healthy.  (laughing) Green tea, HA.  How about some Welch’s Grape, cracker?  That’ll put some hair on yo chest.

How about you take that gay-ass hat off so I can make sure you ain’t got no bombs hidden in your wannabe Bob Marley hair. Continue reading

Golden Corral, Chocolate Fountains and the End of the World

(keep in mind, I am not a spokesperson for Golden Corral nor am I affiliated with the company in any way)

The hotly debated topic of “when the world will end” has recently taken a drastic turn to cause immediate concern.  Forget the Mayans, forget Nostradamus, forget your Bibles, forget that crazy preacher Harold Camping and everything they predict about the end of world.

The Chocolate Fountain

You don’t need ancient calendars or scripture to predict the end of the world.  All you have to do is visit your local Golden Corral.   Golden Corral?  What am I talking about, you might ask?

Well, unless you live under a rock, you have probably seen the advertisements that Golden Corral has added a spectacular chocolate fountain to their buffet dessert selection.  I know, go ahead and pinch yourself, a chocolate-freakin-fountain, it’s all too real.  But, before you pee your pants, let’s take a step back into the real world and think about this for a minute. Continue reading

Dear Pussies

I’m tired of the whining, I’m tired of the bitching and complaining.  America has turned into a nation of big, giant, dripping wet pussies.

(I mean no disrespect to women or their vaginas with this post.  I quite like vaginas; it just so happens that the word “pussy” is used universally to describe people as wimps.  I didn’t create that.)

On Patriotism: Stop moaning every time I say I’m against war, that doesn’t mean I’m unpatriotic, it just means I have a differing opinion than those who enjoy bombing the hell out of dark-skinned people half way across the world.

Hey, they killed about 3,000 of us at the Twin Towers; I think we are more than even now.

How much longer do we need to prove our dick-size?

And don’t patronize me with your American Flag displays.  Nothing screams “Patriot” more than your old ass truck with a confederate flag waving from the tailgate.  AMERICA, FUCK YEAH.

On American Idol Contestants: Hey parents, if your kid sings like a wounded dog, please have the courage to tell them that they suck.

When you hide the truth from your kids in an effort not to hurt their feelings, you are only setting them up for embarrassment and failure.

It’s better for you, their parents, to tell them that they suck instead of encouraging them to display their ill-fated vocals in front of a panel of judges and millions of Americans on television.

“But mommy and daddy, you said I was the best singer in the county.  Why did everyone laugh at me?”  See, just tell them they suck and none of that will happen.  Continue reading

The Freedom to be Stupid

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein

I am an American and I would like to know what has happened to my country?

It’s wonderful to be free, but unfortunately, freedom often protects those who are complete fucking morons.

Here are some examples:

Case in point 1: Dumb-Ass North Carolina Rednecks

“Build a great big large fence 50 or 100 miles long. Put all the lesbians in there. Fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. Have that fence electrified so they can’t get out. You know what, in a few years, they’ll die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce,” said Charles Worley, pastor at Providence Road Baptist Church in Maiden, N.C.

Why won’t any reporter covering this story just say what should be said?

I want to hear someone on live television say, “Excuse me Pastor Worley, do you realize that you are a gigantic jack-ass and you are spitting in the face of evolution with your archaic beliefs and opinions?  Stop hiding behind your Bible, fucking your sisters, do the world a favor and slit your wrists immediately.” 

But sadly, no one has the balls to say that for fear of pissing someone off.  It’s ok to piss off assholes. Continue reading