Dear Chris Christie (letter from a Duh’Merican)

chris-christie-eating

(Thought I would re-post this given the current debacle he’s in.  I actually heard him say that he found out about everything after he finished “working out.”  Yeah right.)

Are you really going to be running for President in 2016?  Are you really going to be the face of the Republican Party?

Well, I guess you are a fairly accurate representation of the American people.  After all, I think it’s being reported that around 36% of all American adults aged 20 and over are considered obese.

Even after your lap-band surgery, you still appear to be almost morbidly obese.  But there is plenty of time for you to “de-supersize” yourself before you make a bid for the presidency.

I’m not sure what it says about a person who has to have a band surgically implanted around their stomach to curb their voracious appetite.  This apparent lack of self control makes me a bit worried about how you may behave yourself if elected President.

Forget about religion and gay marriage, let’s talk about GMO’s and large sodas.  Yippeeee.

Could you imagine the power you would have?  You could have sexy hookers feed you chicken wings while they dancing naked around your own personal “oral”, I mean oval office. Continue reading

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duck dynasty rednecks (duh’merica rises again)

Duck Dynasty stars 660 APThanks a lot Duck Dynasty for bringing Leviticus back.  I’m still amazed that people are shocked that a Christian redneck made some disparaging comments about gay people.

I’m even more amazed that so many people care about some bearded rednecks who wear a lot of camo and make duck shit.

I’m the first person to defend a person’s right of free speech.  But what I think is important is to examine exactly what inspired his comments. 

Without much investigation, I think it’s safe to say that the Duck Father has a problem with homosexuals because of his Christian faith and fervent belief in the book of Leviticus.

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable.  They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:13 (NIV)

Isn’t it about time that people understand that there is some crazy shit in the bible, some especially crazy shit in the old testament?

Here’s another verse from the same book:

“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buys slaves.” Leviticus 25:44 (NIV)

Why is it that so many Christians point to one verse of the bible to justify their bigotry against gay people and then forget about all the other verses concerning  things like slavery, like female submission, etc. Continue reading

DUH’America CONCUSSED

So, more than 1800 former NFL players are suing the NFL now because they claim that the NFL hid facts about concussion dangers from them.

HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT.

Let’s take a closer look at this.  Football players who put helmets on and try to demolish every player on the other team are claiming that they didn’t realize concussions were bad for them

DANGER???:  Wow, so you mean to tell me that running full speed and crashing head first into another guy running full speed is bad for your head?????  I had no idea.

I hate to bring this up, but doesn’t this logic sound eerily familiar to the woman who sued McDonald’s because she claimed that she didn’t realize the hot coffee she ordered could burn her.

That calls for another, HOLY FUCKING, SHIT.

MALE EGO: I think what cracks me up the most about these football players is that every single one of them knew that playing football was damn dangerous.

That’s one of the main reasons men like the sport.  I played football and knew plenty of people who played and not one of them who quit football for any reason.  Men are young, dumb and full of EGO and cum.

It’s not manly to quite because you “could” get injured.  Give me a fucking break NFL players.

LAWYERS: Our litigious society needs to slow its roll, this is getting ridiculous.

Next thing you know someone is going to sue PepsiCo for becoming addicted to Mountain Dew.  HOLY SHIT, I think that’s me, I need to call 1-800-AMBULANCE CHASER and get paid.

I’m left wondering when all the ex-professional boxer lawsuits are going to hit.  I mean, who knew that being clocked in the head 300 times a night could be bad for you????  Those poor guys (sarcasm).

THE ANSWER: How about this DUH’America; take responsibility for your own actions.  If you partake in a job, in a sport, or any other activity that is dangerous, be prepared for any of the possible consequences that may occur.

Wow, that sounds almost profoundly logical and simple; exactly why it will never happen.  I put my head in my hands and wonder why people in this country are so FUCKING STUPID.

DUH’America; the majority of you are concussed and you don’t even realize it yet.  BLAH