Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

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As Queer as a Football Bat (American Sports)

I was an athlete for many years and I enjoy the entertainment value of sports.  But, something has always intrigued me about the overt homosexual elements presented within athletics.

In America, sports are more highly regarded than almost every other element of society.  Most of our children grow up wanting to be a professional athlete and most parents are more than willing to help them attempt to make that dream come true.

For the exception of the WNBA, homosexuality and American athletics does not mix.  I was an athlete for years and I can tell you firsthand that being gay in locker room is about as comfortable as eating a cactus sandwich.

Why then is America alright with their superstar, male athletes doing the following things:
1.    Smacking another teammate on the ass after he makes a good play.  (When is this ever considered not-gay?)
2.    A quarterback placing his hands under the center’s anus as he awaits the hiking of the “ball.” (Let’s see here; guys hand touching another guys taint and ball sack, WOW) Continue reading

Pit Bulls, White Trash & Ghetto Fabulous A-holes

(I’m reposting this because it was one of my most popular posts)

I have always loved animals, especially dogs.  I grew up with pet boxers and love them to this day.  Currently, I don’t have any pets because of allergies and laziness; I like to be able to leave my home without worrying about taking care of animals.

I grow increasingly tired of listening to people trying to defend why Pit Bulls are gentle and non-dangerous.  Here are my thoughts:

  • Pit Bulls were originally bred as “catch-dogs” to hunt down wild cattle and wild hogs
  • Their jaws are ridiculously strong
  • Ghetto fabulous assholes have used Pit Bulls as fighting dogs to make money for years (insert Michael Vick jokes here)
  • Drug dealers, of all races, use Pit Bulls to protect their stash houses
  • Rednecks use Pit Bulls to hunt hogs and to make themselves feel tougher
  • White Trash use Pit Bulls to protect their trailers and to accompany their exotic snake collections
  • Men with small dicks have Pit Bulls because they can’t afford Corvettes

You know, Pit Bulls are beautiful dogs, but they will always be incredibly dangerous.  Even if one is raised correctly, they can still be deadly.

There is a reason why you don’t hear about Golden Retrievers mutilating humans; they just don’t have the temperament or jaw strength that a Pit Bull has.

Hey White Trash, thanks for having a Pit Bull near your little daughter, well done asshole. Poor kid.

Here’s the huge difference: if a Retriever bites you it will probably draw some blood and you may need a Band-Aid.  If a Pit Bull bites you, depending upon your age and size, you will need stitches and you may die.

So, as long as America has Dumb Rednecks, Ghetto Fabulous Assholes, White Trash and men with small dicks; Pit Bulls will always be dangerous.