HEY TOURIST!!!!

(I’ve lived on the West coast of Florida nearly my whole life and I’ve dealt with tourists for most of that time; thus, the inspiration.)

Hey Tourist– Thanks for spending your money in my state and for helping our economy.  Without you, things would be very different here.  But, there are few things that you need some help with.

Hey Tourist (Beaches)- Yes, the beach is beautiful, now pay attention.  Those white/greyish birds flying around trying to steal your snacks are called Sea Gulls.  They are disgusting, they are mean and they are filthy.

In the mornings they spend their time at the local landfills picking through our waste.  Then by early afternoon, they fly to the beach hoping your dumb, tourist ass will feed them.  Remember that when you throw chips to them.  Hope you had a tetanus shot recently.

Sunscreen– Please go to a CVS or Walgreens and buy plenty of sunscreen.  The sun at the beach is very, very hot and your pasty, Northern skin will absolutely sizzle without it.  Continue reading

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HEY OLD MAN!!!!!!

(This is inspired by living in Florida almost my whole life and dealing with annoying old people)

HEY OLD MAN……..Please for the love of Krishna, stay in bed long enough for me to get to work before you hit the streets in your 35 foot Cadillac and swerve your way to IHOP.  YOU ARE RETIRED and IHOP is open 24 hours a day.  That means you don’t need to drive the streets while the rest of the coherent drivers under the age of 80 are trying to bring home some bacon.

HEY OLD MAN……..Please don’t think that it’s normal for you to continually fart as you walk through the Wal-Mart aisles looking for Sensodyne.  Just because you can’t hear anything doesn’t mean that the rest of us aren’t inhaling the fumes of the dead cat that crawled up your ass while you were pulling weeds in your garden. Continue reading