I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

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The Plague of Misguided Confidence

“With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.”
Dalai Lama (Head of the Dge-lugs-pa order of Tibetan Buddhists, 1989 Nobel Peace Prize, b.1935)

There is a troubling plague that has been running rampant throughout America for years now and it’s truly driving me insane.

Ebola?  Smallpox? Aids? Avian Flu? Swine Flu?   Nope, the plague is called; MISGUIDED CONFIDENCE.

Since you asked, the Plague of Misguided Confidence is really very simple to explain.  It’s a plague that was started and continues to be perpetuated by PARENTS.

It happens when parents are too scared to tell their children when they suck at something.

For example, all those kids on the first couple episodes of American Idol who can’t sing, but think they can= MISGUIDED CONFIDENCE.

For example, all those pageant kids who aren’t cute and have shitty attitudes= MISGUIDED CONFIDENCE.

Worst American Idol Auditions

Life is a zero-sum game, which means that there are winners and losers.  It’s better to be honest and realistic with your children than to support them with misguided confidence.  Continue reading

The Dick Clark Obsession

Well, Dick Clark died the other day.  I don’t think anyone was surprised, especially if you watched him painfully try to speak on the New Year’s countdown this past year.

Don’t you think it was bit egotistical of him to attempt to count when he could barely speak?  It was terrible to watch.

It truly was that car wreck on the side of the road that you rubberneck to see the bloody body parts strewn across the road.

Like 99% of you, I didn’t know Dick Clark.  He could have been a wonderful man or a terrible man, I really don’t know.

Clark hosted American Bandstand for years and was most recently know for hosting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.

Sorry, but he hosted a couple of really shitty music shows.  Have you ever listened to the New Year’s countdown?  Holy shit, it was absolutely hideous.

Do you know who else also died the other day???  A teacher in Wisconsin, a police officer in California, a charity worker in Texas, a close friend of mine lost her battle with lung cancer, etc.  Do you get my point?

Why does America give a fuck about Dick Clark dying?  What did he contribute to our society besides spawning the grotesquely overpaid Ryan Seacrest?

America’s obsession with Hollywood makes me want to vomit in my mouth, swallow it, vomit again, put it on a sandwich and feed it to the masses who make this bullshit possible.

Clark was just another man who died the other day.  He should be treated no differently than anyone else who died that day.  Continue reading