When I Become President

(I wrote this a while ago and it’s still relevant)

I surely can’t be the only person who feels that America is 100% lost right now and things are not getting better any time soon. American society has become desensitized to a buffet of crap culture that continues to eat us from the inside out.

For example; we have the Kardashians running around pretty much everywhere, making more money than doctors, scientists and teachers. (I can’t help but think that Bruce Jenner is hiding in the closet videotaping his step-daughters while they change, YouTube gold.)

Every time a celebrity passes gas, we have TMZ there with cameras blazing, ready to document the fart assent into the smog-filled Los Angeles air.

We have politicians fighting on how to solve our debt problem. My mistake, I thought China already owned the United States. I must have missed something.

We have Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj fighting daily over who looks more like a Muppet gone bad project. Continue reading

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Dear Republican Party

Dear Republican Party,

Well, another election has passed with the exact same losing result.

You have officially become that little white trash kid with the annoying rat-tail.  You cut the rat-tail off, but it grows back every four years with the same tired agenda.

Those opposable thumbs you keep staring at are a true sign of the evolution that you can’t seem to embrace.

I know, I know, evolution isn’t real and that guy with the white beard created us in his own image.

So, I guess that means your god is a fat, white, pasty dude who continues to spit in the face of women, minorities and gay people.

I know, I know, homosexuality is a sin according to the book of Leviticus.   Continue reading

Why the Election Doesn’t Matter (Dear Mouthbreathers)

(The election doesn’t really matter because the mouthbreathers have already won)

Dear Mouthbreathers,

Thanks so much for voting on election day, the rest of us who read books truly appreciate it. (sarcasm)  I do worry though that you may be confused with the ballot. 

After all, it’s a bit more difficult to understand than the Waffle House picture menus you are used to.  Remember, you can’t vote for “covered” or “smothered”, because the major candidates are already consumed with both and you don’t have to choose.

Mouthbreathers for Obama: Thanks for casting your vote solely because his skin is a somewhat darker than the white candidate.  You do realize that he’s a half-white, correct?

You do realize that Obama is Harvard educated and has never even attempted to walk in your ghetto scarred shoes, correct?  You do realize that he’s about as close to ghetto as you are as close to knowing where Harvard is, correct?

Thanks again for casting your vote because you thought he was going to pay your gas bill.

Mouthbreathers for Romney: Wow, you dumb-ass, bible thumping crackers make me want to peel my pale skin from my bones and throw out all my Mountain Dew.

NEWSFLASH- He’s a fucking Mormon.  That’s right, magical-fucking-underwear.  Wow, well done religious right.  Continue reading

I Approve this Message

“When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.” Anais Nin

(So tired of the political adverts already, so nauseating)

I’m the Sandy Tongue and I approve this message…

Hey Duh’America, guess what???  Romney and Obama don’t represent you and you are kidding yourselves if you think otherwise.

Well, maybe they do represent you if you went to Harvard, never worked a real job and can’t figure out what color you are.  And maybe they do represent you if you have never had to drive your own car or never had to clean your own house.

Hey Duh’America, don’t you get it by now???  All politicians are full of shit and really only care about lining their own pockets with money.

Go ahead, continue thinking that one party is better than the other, that one party is to blame for all societal ills, continue thinking that way.

Continue listening to Fox News, continue “keeping” up with the Kardashians, continue to wonder with bachelor gets the last rose.

Continue believing in a God that is so ridiculous to believe in and bowing to fairytale religions.

Continue sleepwalking through your life like the mindless sheep you have become.

America is the biggest marketing experiment on the planet and the experiment has failed miserably.  The only problem is that the majority of Americans don’t realize it.

Why is that?  Because it’s too easy sit on the couch, watch “reality” television and try to keep up with your neighbors.

Hey Duh’America, put down the remote and read a book once in a while.  But not Fifty Shades of Lame, try a book that actually teaches you something.

I’m the Sandy Tongue, and I approve this message.

The Campaign Adverts you Won’t Hear About…………..

I’m sure I’m not the only who is already nauseated by the Obama and Romney political campaign adverts currently invading our television space. 

It kills me that most people can’t identify that it’s all total BULL SHIT, but then again, the Kardashians are famous so I guess I understand.

If I were a millionaire, I would run adverts like this, just for the fun of it:

FOR OBAMA: In 1994, Mitt Romney was seen scalping children and using the dead skin as the salty ingredient to complete his famous clam chowder recipe.

Later that year, Romney ordered 5,000 DD bras from Victoria’s Secret, filled his bathtub with them, rolled around naked in the tub while singing “We Are the World.”

Do you really trust a man who scalps little children for his clam chowder and frolics naked with bras????  Continue reading