Plastic Parade (a poem)

duck-face-mom-yearA-typical Rolex submariner sits on the dad’s wrist like a beacon of arrival,
his too-tight Ed Hardy tee sticks to his cross fit chest like an extra layer of skin.
those hours in the gym, the broccoli, the grilled chicken, the spinach salads……
Eyes scanning the crowd looking for that 25 year-old who hasn’t yet sunk the botox into her forehead

Wifey to his left, flipping her platinum dyed hair again and again and again
She, looking for someone to make fun of, looking for someone to help her feel better about her collagen duck-faced lips,

her third tit job, her fourth anal bleaching, her fifth affair with a new trainer,Tattoo reads “MILF” along the panty line that only a select 50 or so willing erections get to see.

She, peering at the younger women while licking her lips with the misguided confidence of an American Idol contestant

Continue reading

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The Case FOR Premarital Sex (NSFW)

Sluts, whores and hussies are wonderful for so many reasons whether you like them or not.  Sex is not a bad thing, never has been.

In fact, sex is why we are here today and why we will be here tomorrow.

Why then are so many people concerned with telling others not to have sex?  The notion of not having premarital sex is completely insane to me.

Here’s a scenario for you:

Two young high school sweethearts have been going steady since their sophomore year.  They both made the promise to wait until marriage to have sex, signed the prom letter, wore the promise rings and all that good shit.  They fulfill the promise and finally get married.

On the honeymoon, he carries her over the threshold of the suite and goes straight for the bed.  After several seconds of passionate kissing, the moment is close. Continue reading

My Embarrassing Public Toilet Story (full version)

(This is the full version of my earlier nomination story inspired by howtodateboys)

A few years ago when I was newly dating my girlfriend (she’s my wife now), we went to our downtown area for drinks and dinner.

We went to a newer tapas restaurant and sat at the bar.  I drank a couple Heinekens while my wife had a couple liquor drinks.  We ordered a few of their tapas selections and started eating.

Then, out of nowhere, I felt a pain in my stomach that almost knocked me off my bar stool.  Although there was loud music playing in the bar area, I think everyone in the place could hear the rumble inside my belly.  It was like a mini-gastric-earthquake ripping through my body.

I knew I had to get to a bathroom within about 5 minutes or I was going to basically shit myself.

Now, if you’ve read my blog before you know that I’m not exactly a huge fan of public restrooms and I was doing every mental exercise I could to trick my stomach from unloading.

And I also was still in the somewhat new “dating” phase with my soon to be wife and needed to remain cool and un-sweaty.

But, the fecal gods had an entirely different plan for me that night.  As a couple beads of sweat started trickling down my forehead, I ordered water.  Continue reading

My “Go-Gay” List

I’m not a homosexual.  I’ve never kissed or had any type of sexual experience with a man in my life.

I was an athlete for many years and did take hundreds of showers with other naked men and never once became excited.  I know, that sounds like a lot of naked cock for one man to be around, but trust me, I never looked down.

I love boobs and always have.  I am very comfortable with my sexuality.

But, I can admit when a man is good looking and that brings me to my Go-Gay List.  The following is a list of men I would go-gay for.  Come on guys, don’t tell me you don’t have a list like this.

Bradley Cooper– no brainer here, those beautiful eyes, that quick sarcastic whit.  I would give him the best hangover he’s ever had. Continue reading

The First Honest Dating Profile(NSFW)

(I’m married now and very happy, but there was a time when I was single after divorcing from a 10 year marriage and was roaming around aimlessly in the dating scene.  For me, it was not much fun and I even went on a dating website or two (which was an absolute joke and yes I admit that I did it).

This brings me to what could solve almost every dating issue for single people………..

The Honest Dating Profile (kind of like an alcoholic at his/her first AA meeting):

Hi, my name is Sandy and I’m single.  “Hi Sandy, welcome to the group.”  I’m 32, recently divorced and looking to get out into the dating scene.  Continue reading

TMI: Most Embarrasing Night Involving a Toilet

Thanks to howtodateboys for nominating me and encouraging me to share a terribly embarrassing moment in my life.

(I have some deep-seeded public restroom issues.)

The Scene: My wife and I at a tapas restaurant sitting at the bar.

The Event: I felt a pain in my stomach that almost knocked me off my bar stool.  Although loud music playing in the bar area, I think everyone in the place could hear the rumble inside my belly.

It was like a mini-gastric-earthquake ripping through my body.  I dropped my pants and the second my pasty, white cheeks touched the porcelain seat, EXPLOSION!!!  It was like a giant cow patty.  Final, relief was mine…….. for the moment.

The Problem: I cleaned myself and reached to flush.  HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT………… the toilet would not flush. MAYDAY, MAYDAY………the toilet would not flush.

I pulled the back lid off and started tinkering with the mechanical innards, but nothing worked.  My cow patty was not going anywhere.

Decision time; I washed my hands quickly and carefully cracked the door to see if anyone was waiting in the hallway.  The coast was clear so I walked briskly back to the bar and stood next to my wife at the bat.

“Wow, that sure was a long pee.  Aren’t you going to sit down,” she said.

“Nope, it’s time to go.  We have to leave now,” I said as I put down plenty of cash next to our plates.

As we were walking out the door, I looked back over my shoulder and noticed a few employees gathering in the bathroom where I left my destruction.

My Nominees:

A Spoonful of Suga; Mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins

Flamidwyfe’s Blog

John the Aussie

Commander in Chic

Magic in the Backyard

Emily He

Pigeon Heart

Miss Happiness (a real email)

This message was in my inbox the other day.  I’m thinking maybe I found my soul mate (sarcasm), my girlfriend might get mad though:

Hello
My name is Miss hapiness, i saw your profile today and after going through it, i fill more interested to contact you ,i will like you to please send me an email at my email address via (hapiness.baby@yahoo.com) for me to send you my pics and to tell you more about me. then from here we can move on.I will be waiting for your reply on my email address above.thanks
hapiness .via(hapiness.baby@yahoo.com)

 
Wow, I have so many options here.  She really sounds interested in me, so flattering.  Do you think it would be too presumptuous of me to send her a cock-shot?  I mean it is 2012, but we are just starting a relationship.  I’m hoping that she lives somewhere in Siberia and only needs me to send her money for a plane ticket to get to the U.S. so she can take care of all my manly needs.

I’m not sure what to tell my wife, I mean this could be the one.  What to do?  Dear Abby, I’m confused and don’t know what to do.