Contestant #3 (an ode to the Bachelor)

xjuan-pablo-and-clare.jpg.pagespeed.ic.LMjjvTHnq8

(I’m re-posting this because my favorite train wreck is starting again on Monday)

OMG, who will he pick this time????

After sucking on 10 different sets of collagen-filled lips, love is floating around the hot tub like un-caged semen unfazed by chlorine.

“I can really see myself with you.  I’ve never felt a connection like this,” says contestant number 8 as she slips her bikini top back, adjusts her thong and exits the hot tub.

The Bachelor looks toward the sky and thanks the good lord for his fortune, but before he can finish the prayer, contestant number 3 sneaks up behind him, wrapping her lips around his ear.

His dick still hard from number 8, number 3 was now straddling him as the bubbles started to foam and lap against his chiseled pecks

“You know, I want to show you a trick,” she whispered into his ear.

She turned around, dropped her head into the water and into his lap. She began sucking his member.  His body began to quiver.  Just when he thought he could take no more, her ass jumped from the water and began to “twerk” relentlessly in his face.  Her precious lady bits were only inches from his face.

He started to slide his tongue into her meat pouch, but a sudden thought of fear rambled around his head.

“Oh no, my sweet little daughter will watch this one day.  What will she think about her daddy licking number 3’s lady bits in the hot tub.”

Then he quickly remembered how heavily edited the “reality” show is.  He inserted his tongue deep inside number 3’s love canal, gave her a rose and asked for a cigarette.

Manufactured love is a beautiful concept and a concept the Bachelor will never forget.

Advertisements

When Life Changes

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.” Kurt Vonnegut

I realized the other night just how much my life has changed in the past few years.
I’ve always been a sports fan and the College Football National Championship was on the other night.

Juan-Pablo-Bachelor-Contestants-PicturesI fully planned on watching the game rather than anything else that night.

But after about five minutes I realized that my wife and three daughters had coaxed me into watching the Bachelor premiere.

So, instead of watching sports, I was suddenly playing a game of “pick which hooker we want to get the rose.”  It was at this point that I realized my life had drastically changed. Continue reading