Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

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The A-Hole Bachelor (my version)

bachelorIt’s difficult for me to admit, but I watched the Bachelor last night.  I really just wanted to confirm that the show is a collagen-filled parade of insecure fame hunters.

While confirming the above, I had an incredibly creative vision.

A new show called, The Asshole-Bachelor should be created.  Everything would be exactly the same as the current show except the Asshole-Bachelor would have to be 100% honest at all times.

The Asshole-Bachelor would say things like this:

  • Well fuck no you aren’t getting a rose.  Seriously, did you think that crying about being dumped a while ago was going to get you a flower?  And additionally, your face looks like you’ve been chewing on wrenches.  Fuck off and stop crying.
  • (To the African-American contestant) I’m only giving you this rose because the producers said we had to have a black woman make it until at least week 3.  You are very nice though.  Cheers
  • Whoever figures out how to lick my balls the best, gets to go on the next date.
  • I love my son, now fuck me hard.
  • True love awaits you………….. in the hot tub
  • I haven’t brushed my teeth in three days, so when you start sucking on my tongue and catch a whiff of hot-garbage, that’s just contestant number 2’s pussy you smell
  • I know, I know, isn’t anal bleaching just the best
  • So you didn’t get a rose, who cares.  You can always video yourself fucking a rapper and fame is sure to follow.

I think HBO could have fun with this one. My version would be so much more fun and entertaining.

If my version of the Bachelor shows up one day on some vague cable network, I will be getting a lawyer.

Duh’Merica (a poem for the masses)

selfieDuh’Merica……. in order to escape your own sad realities, you peer into the television and watch the pathetic, invented “realities” of people you wish you could be.  it’s so easy to fall into the couch while letting the mountain dew drip down and wet your cheetoh-stained chin

you wake up every day, go to the job you hate,  work for people you despise, to collect the check that pays for the beer first and rent second.  the buzz keeps everything numb and near the back of your vapid mind

you tweet what you think are clever quips and sit on the edge of the toilet seat waiting for someone to “favorite” the line, oh-to be loved by random internet friends who live in other worlds so far away from yours Continue reading

Go back to bed America (bill hicks quote)

It amazes me how this quote still applies today.  Read it and let it sink in for a minute.

I miss Bill Hicks.  I can only imagine what he would be saying today.

“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”

Bill Hicks

Dear Chris Christie (letter from a Duh’Merican)

chris-christie-eating

(Thought I would re-post this given the current debacle he’s in.  I actually heard him say that he found out about everything after he finished “working out.”  Yeah right.)

Are you really going to be running for President in 2016?  Are you really going to be the face of the Republican Party?

Well, I guess you are a fairly accurate representation of the American people.  After all, I think it’s being reported that around 36% of all American adults aged 20 and over are considered obese.

Even after your lap-band surgery, you still appear to be almost morbidly obese.  But there is plenty of time for you to “de-supersize” yourself before you make a bid for the presidency.

I’m not sure what it says about a person who has to have a band surgically implanted around their stomach to curb their voracious appetite.  This apparent lack of self control makes me a bit worried about how you may behave yourself if elected President.

Forget about religion and gay marriage, let’s talk about GMO’s and large sodas.  Yippeeee.

Could you imagine the power you would have?  You could have sexy hookers feed you chicken wings while they dancing naked around your own personal “oral”, I mean oval office. Continue reading

Bacon Jerky = Duck Dynasty Irony

baconLeviticus 11:7-11:8“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he [is] unclean to you.  Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch, they [are] unclean to you.”

Oh shit, what to do now Duck Dynasty?  It’s ok to hate gay people due to Leviticus, but it’s ok to go against the bible and profit from the swine???

Oh, I get it.  Bacon, ribs and pulled-pork tastes good so that’s ok.  But gay people, that’s just some crazy shit you aren’t comfortable with so go ahead and use your bible to justify your hatred.

Hey Duh’Merica, wake the fuck up and realize you are being duped by this rich family of “reality” stars.  Their bank accounts swell under the guise of a god-loving family while they use the bible to support their bigotry.

And all the while, the hypocrisy flies over your head.

Keep praying and don’t think.  Rinse and repeat.

 

 

RIP Paul Walker, (duh’merica rises again)

paul-walkerDuh’Merica never ceases to amaze me.  When Paul Walker died, I sadly laughed at all the people who were interviewed on television.

By all accounts, Walker seemed like a good guy.  When I say “by all accounts”, I mean whatever I’ve seen on television.  I mean for all I know Walker had a basement full of Filipino lady-boys playing naked Twister on a daily basis.  Hell, I don’t know.

Anyway.  His death, although not exactly tragic in my opinion, brought out the best in Duh’Merica.  People crying about what a great guy he was.  People crying, talking about what a great actor he was.  People crying about what a tragedy his death was.  People crying for a man they never met.

Let me repeat that last line for you: PEOPLE CRYING FOR A MAN THEY NEVER MET.

You see, this is a major problem with our country.  Continue reading