Trump & the Boy Scout (a conversation)

boy-scouts-2Minutes before delivering his speech to thousands of boy scouts at the Boy Scout Jamboree, our Dear Leader Trump spoke with a 9 year-old boy scout named Tommy.

The following is a recap of the conversation:

Trump- Hello young hero boy, how are you on this incredible day, this fabulous day, this day that will go down in history as the greatest Boy Scout Jamboree in the history of all jamborees?

Tommy- Hi.  My name is Tommy.  Yesterday, I learned how to tie a tie and I got a badge for it.  See my badge, isn’t it cool?

Trump- Oh Tommy, don’t worry about Hillary and all those emails she deleted.  I’m going to make sure no one ever forgets about that.

Tommy- I have a cousin named Hillary.  She’s 6 years old and likes when I make her smores.  I got a badge for making smores.  See my badge, isn’t it awesome.  My mom and dad won’t let me use email yet.

Trump– What’s that you say Tommy?  You are scared to got to bed at night because you are worried about all the illegal immigrants taking your dad’s job and raping your mom?  Don’t worry about that, I’m going to have the Boy Scouts build a wall around any area where brown people try to get in to our country illegally.

Tommy- I built a small tomato garden with a wall around it in my back yard and got a badge for it.  Check out my badge, isn’t it swell?  Mr. President, what does rape mean???

After the rape comment, Tommy’s parents took him back to the audience quickly.

Then, our Dear Leader walked onto the stage and  began his speech like this:

“You know, I just met with a young Scout Hero Boy backstage.  He told me that he was very scared that Hillary would delete his dad’s job and let a brown-skinned illegal alien rape his mom.  I told the young Scout Hero Boy not to worry.  I have no connections to Russia.  Fake News Media, Fake News Media, Voter fraud.  If anything happens to your parents it will be because Obama was born in Kenya.  What a wonderfully smart boy he is.  He will surely never be captured in war.  Little Tommy Scout Hero Boy is a true American hero.”

(Obviously this is comedy and is not real.  But, I could definitely envision a conversation like this happening.)

 

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A hipster’s letter to white America

(Scene: Jude writes a letter to White America, hoping the Hip Page will print it now since he is an employee) Dear White America, Although I am white, I KNOW what discrimination is. I KNOW what racism is. I feel terrible for all those poor African-American men who have been murdered by the police. I […]

via jude “can’t breathe” an open letter to white america — HipsterStories

Trump meets with Steve Harvey???

Yeah, I’m real fucking confused.  Our president, D Trump, took a meeting with annoyingly mustachioed “comedian” Steve Harvey.  Hold the fucking phone here.

Our Fearless Leader Meets With Steve Harvey

What the what?  What the fuck?  Fuck the what?

According to reporters, the first thing our golden-haired president did was call Ben Carson and put him on speaker.  Well, hell yeah.  It makes sense that he called the only black person he knows to join the conversation.steve-harvey-donald-trump

And then they talked about how to help people in the inner cities.

Yes, you heard that correctly.  President Golden Shower spoke with two incredibly wealthy black dudes who haven’t lived in a ghetto since they were children.  Wow, now that’s progress.

I’m sure that every poor, real ghetto person feels better today.  They probably walked outside and quoted Ice Cube, “Today, I didn’t even have to use my AK.  I got a say it was a good day.”

(Someone should probably tell Dr. Carson who Ice Cube is.)

Probably the best part for me will be when all the pasty, white conservatives will pound their chest and say, “See, Mr. Trump really cares about the black community.  He’s going to make a difference.”

Duh’Merica, you are a dirty, dirty whore.  Go to the clinic and get tested immediately.

4 idiots on the espys (go back to your mansions)

On the ESPY’s the other night, we were enlightened by Lebron James, Carmello Anthony, Chris Paul and Dwayne Wade about racism and cops.  Thanks a whole fucking lot assholes.

Rich Black Dudes Talk About Justice

It cracks me up when millionaire athletes speak about issues they long left behind them once they signed their first contracts.  These are the same athletes who are encouraged to drop any of their ghetto friends and family the moment they make the big time.

2016-espys-lebron-james-dwyane-wade-chris-paul-carmelo-anthony-videoYet here they are, speaking to the public about black men being shot by non-black police.

Now, please keep in mind, these same four people have never spoken to a national audience about stopping any other violence in the communities they once lived in, but only now when a cop is involved.

I view myself as a human and this a human problem.  Black cops kill black people.  White cops kill white people.  Hispanic cops kill Hispanic people.  This happens all the time.  But sadly, these rubes pander to the media’s narrative that the only lives that matter are the black ones who are killed by non-black cops.

People of all colors should be highly offended by this.  But it’s too difficult to actually give a shit about reality.  It’s too difficult to realize that we are all humans.  We are Americans first.  But fuck that, that’s too hard to grasp and doesn’t garner enough clicks and views.

So, as those four athletes talk about making changes and stopping the violence what exactly are they going to do?  They are going to say what’s popular, get in their limos and drive back to their gated community where they live all the other rich people who are not affected by violence.

Four athletes who make money by throwing a ball into a hoop just changed the world.  Actually, they didn’t do shit and what they said doesn’t mean shit.  If you don’t believe me, check back in five years and let me know what they actually did to change anything.

 

 

 

John Travolta & a Redneck Walk Into a Bar…….

(The past few days I noticed that my site views were higher than normal so I check out what was being viewed the most.  I was a little surprised to see that my top three blog posts for the week were about John Travolta, Rednecks and pit bulls.)

So, I decided to write a little story that incorporates all three:

Characters:

Pam the Bartender– she’s about 48 years old, with stringy blonde hair and looks like a meth addict.

John Travolta- playing himself of course

Skeeter the Redneck– a very prideful Southern man who obviously hates gays, blacks and anyone who doesn’t believe in God.  He’s about 6’4” tall and built like a lumberjack, a big goatee and mullet hair.

Hitler the Pit-Bull- Skeeter’s dog who will attack, he has a Confederate Flag collar

Fade In– a somewhat seedy bar in Sanford, Fl (where the Trayvon Martin ordeal took place).  Travolta is already sitting at the bar, smiling creepily and ordering Cosmopolitans as Skeeter walks in with his pit bull Hitler. Continue reading

Hey Parents!!!! (a study in racial insensitivity)

I’m a parent, so I feel qualified to deliver this rant.  Some parents should never have been allowed to breed. I’m going to attempt to offend as many ethnicities as possible.  You are welcome in advance.

Hey White Trash Parents (this also applies to Rednecks),  they are called “socks”, please put them on your children when you leave the house.  Children with dirty, 7-11 feet become adults with dirty, 7-11 feet.

What parenting book did you read that said it was alright to take your children to Wal-Mart with bare feet in a diaper?  Shit, my bad, I actually insinuated that you have read a book.  Silly me.

And look, it’s not alright to keep breastfeeding your 8 year-old just because you ran out of Mountain Dew.

And by the way, make sure you keep your 12 foot python’s cage locked, it’s plenty big enough to gobble up half of your family…… unless of course your pit bull gets them first.

Hey Black Mamma (sorry, but the dad’s are rarely around and that’s not my fault), put your shoe back on stop throwing it at little Tyrone as he runs around the meat market looking for the pickled pigs feet.  Continue reading

Ebonics; A Partly True Story

(I wrote this while I was in college working at the mall in a woman’s clothing store in the mid 90’s. I know, a male working at a woman’s clothing store, very progressive of me at the time.  And by the way, I’m not even remotely racist, so just relax while you read this.  I make fun of all people, regardless of their color.)

While at work the other day, I was reminded of the horrible cultural phenomenon sweeping through the South. A light-skinned African American girl walked gracefully into my store and I noticed she had one of our black, plastic bags curled between her fingers. As I looked closer, I could see that the bag was nearly full. This meant either one of two things; she wanted to return or exchange merchandise.

I approached her, like a good assistant manager should, and asked if I could help her. As she opened her mouth to speak I was nearly blinded by several gold, capped teeth, especially by the left front tooth that was gold with a diamond shaped into the middle.

“Yes, I done bought these jeans a couple week ago and they too tight. Some crazy body must a’ sized these mo fo’s wrong. I fina make a exchangement,” she said with misguided confidence. Continue reading