Plastic Parade (a poem)

duck-face-mom-yearA-typical Rolex submariner sits on the dad’s wrist like a beacon of arrival,
his too-tight Ed Hardy tee sticks to his cross fit chest like an extra layer of skin.
those hours in the gym, the broccoli, the grilled chicken, the spinach salads……
Eyes scanning the crowd looking for that 25 year-old who hasn’t yet sunk the botox into her forehead

Wifey to his left, flipping her platinum dyed hair again and again and again
She, looking for someone to make fun of, looking for someone to help her feel better about her collagen duck-faced lips,

her third tit job, her fourth anal bleaching, her fifth affair with a new trainer,Tattoo reads “MILF” along the panty line that only a select 50 or so willing erections get to see.

She, peering at the younger women while licking her lips with the misguided confidence of an American Idol contestant

Continue reading

Advertisements

Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

Duh’Merica (a poem for the masses)

selfieDuh’Merica……. in order to escape your own sad realities, you peer into the television and watch the pathetic, invented “realities” of people you wish you could be.  it’s so easy to fall into the couch while letting the mountain dew drip down and wet your cheetoh-stained chin

you wake up every day, go to the job you hate,  work for people you despise, to collect the check that pays for the beer first and rent second.  the buzz keeps everything numb and near the back of your vapid mind

you tweet what you think are clever quips and sit on the edge of the toilet seat waiting for someone to “favorite” the line, oh-to be loved by random internet friends who live in other worlds so far away from yours Continue reading

Butt Implants & Instagram

lilwaynenickiminajThe other day my 13 year-old daughter was showing me pictures on her Instagram of a girl who posted several before and after pictures of her new butt implants.

She is 14 years old.  Let me repeat that…………… a 14 year-old with butt implants.  Supposedly.

Now, at face value, I didn’t and don’t believe it.

Having three daughters, I can’t even fathom the thought of a parent giving permission for a 14 year-old to have any kind of cosmetic surgery.  I did a quick search online and I don’t even think it’s legal to have it done at that age.  I didn’t care to spend too much time researching, because I really don’t care.

But all that is beside the point.

A girl this age posting pictures of her fake butt implants on Instagram is such a sad commentary on today’s society.  Social media provides an avenue for people to satiate their constant need for attention, and that is not a good thing. Continue reading

Go back to bed America (bill hicks quote)

It amazes me how this quote still applies today.  Read it and let it sink in for a minute.

I miss Bill Hicks.  I can only imagine what he would be saying today.

“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”

Bill Hicks

When Life Changes

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.” Kurt Vonnegut

I realized the other night just how much my life has changed in the past few years.
I’ve always been a sports fan and the College Football National Championship was on the other night.

Juan-Pablo-Bachelor-Contestants-PicturesI fully planned on watching the game rather than anything else that night.

But after about five minutes I realized that my wife and three daughters had coaxed me into watching the Bachelor premiere.

So, instead of watching sports, I was suddenly playing a game of “pick which hooker we want to get the rose.”  It was at this point that I realized my life had drastically changed. Continue reading