Plastic Parade (a poem)

duck-face-mom-yearA-typical Rolex submariner sits on the dad’s wrist like a beacon of arrival,
his too-tight Ed Hardy tee sticks to his cross fit chest like an extra layer of skin.
those hours in the gym, the broccoli, the grilled chicken, the spinach salads……
Eyes scanning the crowd looking for that 25 year-old who hasn’t yet sunk the botox into her forehead

Wifey to his left, flipping her platinum dyed hair again and again and again
She, looking for someone to make fun of, looking for someone to help her feel better about her collagen duck-faced lips,

her third tit job, her fourth anal bleaching, her fifth affair with a new trainer,Tattoo reads “MILF” along the panty line that only a select 50 or so willing erections get to see.

She, peering at the younger women while licking her lips with the misguided confidence of an American Idol contestant

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Scared

A while ago I was at a hotel in Jacksonville, Fl for my job, a job I fucking hate. I work so I can pay child support in order to do the right thing. I do love my kids, but 60% of my income isn’t quite fair. The circumstances are long, drawn out, complicated and all the shit nobody really wants to hear about.

BALLS

I do wish I could grow bigger balls, big fucking donkey balls and scream “fuck the world, fuck you job, fuck you bosses,” just a guttural fuck off to everyone and everything that pisses me off. Continue reading

The Worst Sex-Ed Story Ever

(I’m reposting this because of the good response to my male hygiene post, enjoy.)

When I was about 12 years old, I discovered one of my dad’s Playboy magazines in his bathroom.  Two days later this is what transpired:

My dad was 6′ 1″ and weighed about 350 pounds.  It was close to dark and I was outside playing basketball in my driveway.

My dad walked outside and he was wearing a black Adidas jogging suit, (much like what Run DMC used to wear).

He asked me to “go for a jog.”  My dad was gigantic and obese, so I knew something was up.

At the end of our driveway, we started jogging.  We made it to the second house down my street and my dad said, “Son, what do you know about sex?”

I remember being mortified and said, “You put your dick in a girl’s pussy and then you have a baby.” 

My dad said, “Yep, that’s it.  If you have any questions, just let me know and don’t get a girl pregnant.”

I shit you not, that’s a true story and exactly how the conversation went.

Needless to say, but I’ve never had much of a vocal relationship with my dad, especially about anything important.

Fortunately though, Hustler, Penthouse and Juggs magazines were always there for me.

French Class (I will be taking Spanish next year)

First Day of Class

When I was a freshman in high school my French teacher told me that she had heard from someone that I could be smart if only I tried harder. At first I was not too sure how to absorb that statement. Sure it was somewhat of a cruel thing to say to a high school freshman, but maybe she had a good reason for delivering this statement to me in front of my entire class.

She didn’t even bother to tell me this with the professionalism I expected from an overweight, boring French teacher. She delivered the line with a smugness that could only be replicated by true, obnoxious euro-trash. (Stereotyping people of all nationalities was a popular thing for me at that time in my life.)

I would have preferred maybe some informal meeting before or after class, but she decided to exhibit her power and embarrass me in front of the class. I now was left wondering who this mysterious “someone” was who had informed my French teacher of my intellectual potential only two weeks into the semester. Continue reading

Butt Implants & Instagram

lilwaynenickiminajThe other day my 13 year-old daughter was showing me pictures on her Instagram of a girl who posted several before and after pictures of her new butt implants.

She is 14 years old.  Let me repeat that…………… a 14 year-old with butt implants.  Supposedly.

Now, at face value, I didn’t and don’t believe it.

Having three daughters, I can’t even fathom the thought of a parent giving permission for a 14 year-old to have any kind of cosmetic surgery.  I did a quick search online and I don’t even think it’s legal to have it done at that age.  I didn’t care to spend too much time researching, because I really don’t care.

But all that is beside the point.

A girl this age posting pictures of her fake butt implants on Instagram is such a sad commentary on today’s society.  Social media provides an avenue for people to satiate their constant need for attention, and that is not a good thing. Continue reading

The Thing About Socks

colorful_socks_in_a_laundry_basketI have this ongoing argument with my wife and many of my friends regarding the cleanliness of socks. 

I do a lot of the laundry in my household.  Not because of any predetermined chore arrangements, just because my work schedule allows me more time at home.

That being said, I have a wife and four children who I do laundry for.

Inevitably, I end up turning a lot of clothes right side out because my children can never seem to grasp that concept.

So one day as I was turning yet another pair of dirty socks right side out, I was struck with what I consider one of my more brilliant thoughts.

How in the hell can socks truly get clean unless you wash them while they are inside out?  Let that sink in for a moment.  Let that to continue to sink in for a few more moments.  Visualize it and embrace the genius that I just unleashed.

Surely I will be receiving an email from Myth Busters shortly after posting this.  I can’t wait for them to feature my theory.

P.S. – I am unwilling to apply my theory to underwear.  I don’t even like touching my own dirty underwear, let alone my wife’s or kids.  That’s just nasty.

When Life Changes

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.” Kurt Vonnegut

I realized the other night just how much my life has changed in the past few years.
I’ve always been a sports fan and the College Football National Championship was on the other night.

Juan-Pablo-Bachelor-Contestants-PicturesI fully planned on watching the game rather than anything else that night.

But after about five minutes I realized that my wife and three daughters had coaxed me into watching the Bachelor premiere.

So, instead of watching sports, I was suddenly playing a game of “pick which hooker we want to get the rose.”  It was at this point that I realized my life had drastically changed. Continue reading