god’s mysterious ways(the devil wins again)

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I’ve grown so tired of hearing the expression “god works in mysterious ways.” (I never capitalize god, just doesn’t feel right)

Hey god, your mysterious ways confuse me:

….kids dying from cancer

….the kardashians, jean shorts, ebonics

….kids starving throughout the entire world

….tyler perry, duck dynasty, rhianna, mtv

….children being sexually abused, women being raped, female circumcision

….the bible, rednecks, confederate flags, prayers

Holy Shit god- Looks like the DEVIL is kicking your ass and the score is about a trillion to zero.

(I have no problem with people believing in god, but if you are going to believe in god, at least believe that he is indeed a cruel fucking god)

 

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Dear Kayne (I’m also bound)

kayneDear Kayne,

Bound- something that limits or restrains (as defined by Merriam Webster’s online dictionary)

When it comes to you, the definition of bound feels incredibly real for me.  When I watched your video, I felt:

bound by the laws of gravity when I wanted to fly as far away from this planet as possible.

bound by the concept of restraint when I wanted to heave my computer screen into the ocean so no one in my home could ever watch that video again.

bound by the limits of fear while I cringed thinking about all the little boys and girls who want to be like you and Kim

bound by the reality that you weren’t the first hip hop dude to fuck Kim on video, that must absolutely kill you

I watched your interview on Ellen and was at first mildly impressed until you went all Kayne and shit and started babbling about how great you were.  I don’t care how many Grammy’s you have.

You know who else won a Grammy?: The Baha Men, Milli Vanilli and Christopher Cross won best album over Pink Floyd’s The Wall in 1981.  Even you would have to admit that the Grammy’s are a bit flawed.

If there is any doubt about your character and inflated view of yourself, here are a couple of quotes that came from your mouth:

“I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.” (from www.brainyquote.com)

“I am God’s vessel.  But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” (from www.brainyquote.com)

I’m pretty sure you just redefined the word “DOUCHE BAG”.  Kayne, you are yet another reason why China will win.

Here’s a link to Kayne’s new masterpiece: THE VIDEO FROM HELL

And here’s the hilarious parody video by James Franco and Seth Rogen: SO BRILLIANT

Miley is a Genius

mileyI’ve been highly critical of Miley Cyrus and her hillbilly father in some of my past posts. In my opinion, my criticisms were well justified and almost beyond argument, but………………..

I do have to say that Miley, or whoever advises her, is a marketing fucking genius.  Only in Duh’Merica can a person with relatively little talent (Miley & Billy Ray), fool the public into buying all of their shit and then buying it all again and again and again.

Miley’s performance on the VMA’s was an absolute donkey punch to the face of all real musicians, yet that’s all Duh’Merica could talk about.

OMG-Mile twerked her bony ass off.  OMG-Miley rubbed Robin Thicke’s junk with a giant foam finger.  OMG- Miley’s tongue.

And guess what?  The new video of a naked Miley dry-humping a wrecking ball dropped shortly after the VMA’s.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, MARKETING GENIUS.

Then she was booked on nearly every morning talk show.  That’s not a surprise, I mean after a while Al Roker telling you the temperature gets a bit old.  Everyone wants to watch Matt Lauer drool like a kid-toucher as he asks Miley “pointed” questions about her ass.

Oh Duh’Merica, when will you learn?  When will you stop caring about all of these “cranks”.  (Thanks to Charles P. Pierce, author of Idiot America, for the inspirational word crank.  By the way, his book is a must read.  Absolutely brilliant.)

I guess I’m guilty too because here I am writing about her.

When will Duh’Merica finally understand what should be important in our lives?  I’m afraid it may be too late.  Thanks Duh’Merica for making Mile a star.  Thanks a fucking lot.

Dear Miley (a letter from Billy Ray)

Billy-Ray-CyrusDear Miley,

Ever since I caught your mom fucking Brett Michaels, things have been a little rough around the house.  I mean shit, imagine watching the love of your life getting banged by a washed up, no talent hack wearing a bandana underneath a cowboy hat.

Oh shit, that’s kind of how you were made.  Anyway……

I saw your new video Wrecking Ball last night and I hate to admit it, but I got kind of hard.  Actually, I was harder than a piece of Texas toast left on the hood of a pickup truck for 3 days in the summer heat.

When I saw you walking towards the camera with my old wife-beeter on, my nuts sizzled like spam in a frying pan after a long night of drinking.  Damn baby, you look so fuckin’ hot.

Baby, I want to be your sledgehammer so bad….. so freakin’ bad my balls hurt.  My balls hurt like that time we went skinny dippin’ last summer during our vacation at the KOA.  Remember I had to run into the community shower and “finish” myself in the corner stall???  It was a blue moon that night. Continue reading

MTV, Miley and Duh’Merica (the end is near)

Miley-Cyrus-performance-at-MTV-VMA-2013-2223057So the internet blew up the other day because of Miley Cyrus and her performance at the VMA awards and I’m left incredibly confused.

I watched her “performance” and I had difficulty finding anything artistic about it.  She can’t sing and she can’t dance.  Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth like a dog who has been wandering the desert for 10 years without water.

She appeared to me to be a lost soul doing everything she could to “shock” people.  And sadly, it worked.

Twitter nearly exploded as millions of thumbs tweeted and typed “OMG’s” about Miley’s ass shaking.  Each time she touched Robin Thicke’s dick with that foam finger, I wondered what good ole’ Billy Ray would have thought.

I think Billy Ray’s heart is definitely aching and breaking right now.  Could you imagine just losing your wife because she fucked Brett Michaels and then watching your daughter attempt to be a porn star on national television? Continue reading

Some Great Lyrics

I love music and I especially enjoy strong lyrics.  Here are some of my favorites:

“Mickey Avalon, dick thick as a baton, the illest mother fucker from here to Vietnam” Waiting to Die by Mickey Avalon

“her body a rocking chair for my soul”  Down to the Well by the Pixies

“in my motorcycle mirror I think about the life I’ve led and how my souls been aching all the holes where I have bled” Nimrod’s Son by the Pixies

“who’s got the weeeeeeed?  I got da weeeeeeed”  Who’s Got the Weed by G Love and the Special Sauce

“the only family that she ever had is her 7 horny brothers and a drunk ass dad” The Wrong Way by Sublime

“she opens her mouth to speak and what comes out’s a mystery, thought about not understood, she’s aching to be” Aching to Be by the Replacements

“she lives with a broken man, a cracked polystyrene man, who just crumbles and burns” Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead

“the lap dance is always better when the stripper is crying” Bloodhound Gang

Feel free to give me some more suggestions.  Cheers

Only in America…..

Only in America… can millions of innocent children starve while our government spends billions bombing dark-skinned people half way around the world.

Only in America… can someone like Kim Kardashian become famous by sucking and fucking a rapper.

Only in America… can people kill other people for Air Jordan shoes.

Only in America… can people be trampled to death trying to get into WalMart to save $20 on a television before Christmas.

Only in America… can people believe in God and not believe in Evolution or the Big Bang.

Only in America… can people be paid millions of dollars to play a sport while teachers hover near the poverty level.

Only in America… can school children text, sext and navigate social media websites, but can’t find China on a map.

Only in America… is TMZ more popular than William Shakespeare.

Only in America… is Rosie O’Donnell allowed to try to be humorous.

Only in America… can the high school quarterback be famous while the Chemistry genius gets ridiculed.

Only in America… can people eat themselves into obesity and get a special handicapped parking pass. Continue reading