That Bitch on the Bread Aisle (a poem)

It was staring at the whole wheat, organic, high fiber, no trans fat, sodium free, steroid free loaves

It was wearing bright pink sweat pants with the word “JUICY” spread across both ass cheeks, the “UI” sucked into the designer thong cavity, screaming for release.

I couldn’t find the 99cent generic Publix brand hot dog buns,
My eyes strained for the all white bread goodness, its eyes reading labels to disguise an attempt at being healthy.

I wanted to stop staring at it, but I couldn’t, I needed to see the blood from the train wreck, the pieces of bone from the auto crash, the land mine aftermath.

“Excuse me, do you know where the hot dog buns are?” I asked it.

“I don’t eat hot dogs, I wouldn’t know,” it replied without even looking in my direction.

Well shit, my fucking bad, I guess I should’ve known.
It was just a bitch on the bread aisle who wants to be 20 again.

Thanks for the collagen, thanks for the Ughs, thanks for your husband fucking his secretary instead of you.  Thanks for the suburban, thanks for the diamond studded Iphone.

I found the buns and walked out with my soul.

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So Tired of Cougars

I apologize in advance if the following post makes me sound like I’m full of vitriol, hate and confusion about a certain female subculture; but that’s just how I feel:

Forgive me if this is redundant, but I’m damn sick of cougars.  Once or twice a month, the downtown area where I live has a public get together with street vendors, food, bands and other festival like shit.  It attracts a good sized crowd and I truly wanted to beat the hell out of about 99.9% of the people there.

Of all the annoying people, I have to say I was ready and willing to kill all the cougar moms and here’s why:

  • Ugh boots– I live in Florida, totally un-fucking-necessary, we turn our heat on maybe twice a year
  • Fake Tits– come on, isn’t silicon played out by now?  Can’t wait until you are 55, but your tits are 20, AWESOME
  • Too Tight Jeans– stop wearing your 14 year-old daughters jeans for christ sakes, enough already
  • Big Sunglasses– really? Jackie O is dead and her glasses died with her
  • The term “cougar– it’s not cute, or fancy, it really means you are a whore who is tired of her husband fucking his secretaries
  • Your Douche Bag Husbands– holy shit, easy with the diamond studded jeans, Ed Hardy shirts and Rolex watches, you are just breeders to them, put on the earth to raise their sons to become high school quarterbacks
  • Your wine drinking-stop being pussies and drink some liquor, it masks the insecurities better anyway
  • Your Soul– never mind, you don’t have one

Cougars, soccer moms, whatever you want to call them, need to be stopped.  They are destroying our ozone one pair of bad sunglasses at a time.  If women of any age consider themselves a cougar, they might as well just run around with a sign that says, “Fuck Me Please, It Will Make Me Feel Good About Myself.”

Am I the only one who feels this way?

One Million “Stupid” Moms Protesting Gay Comic Book Hero

Just when I thought I had heard it all, I came across this story about moms protesting Marvel and DC Comics because they are going to announce that one of their superheroes is gay.

By the way, this is the same group who tried to protest JC Penny because of hiring Ellen as their spokesperson.  Ellen is probably one of the most generous people on the planet and she happens to be a lesbian, who fucking cares.

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE HERE

Last time I checked, comic books weren’t real.  I repeat, COMIC BOOK HEROES ARE NOT REAL.

This quote from the protesting Mom group says it all:

“Children desire to be just like superheroes. Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. Can you imagine little boys saying, “I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?”

This is ridiculous! Why do adult gay men need comic superheroes as role models? They don’t but do want to indoctrinate impressionable young minds by placing these gay characters on pedestals in a positive light. These companies are heavily influencing our youth by using children’s superheroes to desensitize and brainwash them in thinking that a gay lifestyle choice is normal and desirable. As Christians, we know that homosexuality is a sin (Romans 1:26-27).

Unfortunately, children are now being exposed to homosexuality at an early age. Comic books would be one of the last places a parent would expect their child to be confronted with homosexual topics that are too complicated for them to understand. Children do not know what straight, homosexual, or coming out of the closet even means, but DC Comics and Marvel are using superheroes to confuse them on this topic to raise questions and awareness of an alternative lifestyle choice.” Continue reading

DUH’America: China Won Yesterday

Uh, hello America, did you see what happened yesterday?  Although it wasn’t widely reported, China officially won yesterday.  That’s right, it’s all over.  I witnessed the event firsthand on the Today Show.

Before you scold me, I sometimes enjoy the mindless drivel presented on the Today Show.  I feel it helps me stay in touch with the vacant minds floating throughout the country.

I sometimes become erect when the “used to be fat black dude” talks about the weather, his delivery in front of the green screen is intoxicating.

Anyway, before I get lost in the subtleties of American journalism, let’s get back to China winning.

Kim Kardashian was the featured guest for the Today Show yesterday and boy she didn’t disappoint.  While walking around the square outside the show, I watched as young girls (with their mothers) fawned over her and begged Kim to take a picture with them. Continue reading

Toddlers & Tiara’s (an honest review)

Show me your sassy face,” said one of the mothers to her little princess as she stomped her foot down in beautiful 3 year-old defiance.

I am fascinated by culture, society and the things that people will do to their children.  So naturally, TLC’s hit show Toddlers & Tiaras is the perfect combination of the Perfect Storm meeting the Perfect Train Wreck.

There is so much blood spilling on the screen, I cannot turn away.  The body parts are thrown all over the tracks, picked up by the wind and blown around in an orgy of distaste.

The Children:

The episodes I’ve seen highlight girls between the ages of about 3 to around 8 years old.  I’ve watched young children go through spray tanning, made to wear wigs, having their eyebrows plucked, doused in layers of make-up and that’s only the beginning.  I watched one child tell her mother right before she was to go on stage that she had to “potty“.  Her mother told her that she had a pull-up on and it was alright for her to urinate in her pants.  Mother of the Year, if you asked me. Continue reading