If I Were Handicapped……

If I were handicapped I would at least try to have fun with it.  (I mean no disrespect to those who are handicapped.)
Here are a few things I would do:

**I would go to the mall, roll up into the middle of the food court and jump out of my chair screaming loudly while flailing my arms like a helicopter.

When someone approached me to help, I would rudely turn them away and tell them that I was waiting for the nice Asian girl handing out samples for the Panda Express to come over and help me.  She has a nice smile and always gives away food.

**I would go to the grocery store and roll up to the fresh vegetables.  I would take out my colostomy bag, set it on top of the tomatoes and loosen the hose from the bag.

Then I would roll away, without returning it into the back of my wheelchair, and let it fall to the tiled floor with a loud splat.  HA, jokes on you vegetable cleaner employee.

**I would go to Disney World just so I could skip everyone in line and get on the ride without waiting. Continue reading

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Dear Prospective Employer (The Best Cover Letter Ever)

(I was bored one day, wrote this and emailed to several businesses.  Oddly enough, no responses)

To:  Whoever Needs A Break From Monotony

This may very well be the first cover letter you have ever read that will not be full of self gratuitous stories telling you why you should hire me.  Instead, I will present you with an unequivocally honesty depiction of who I am as a person and some of my experiences in the workforce that have shaped my personality.

My early work experience began in the world of retail clothing when I was a college student.  For nearly five years I crept from a stock boy to the relatively important position of assistant store manager.  Throughout that time I learned the following:

  • Most people generally suck and are devoid of all rational thought, especially when placed in a mall
  • White women with babies in strollers will steal clothing more than minority races will
  • Some customers will ask for a “refundment” or “exchangement” and be totally serious
  • Dressing rooms can sometimes be viewed as a restroom by angry customers

My more recent work experience for the last 7 years has been in the field of worker’s compensation while working for various payroll companies.  During this time I have learned the following: Continue reading

Kreativ Blogger Award

A special thanks to Onlyspartanwomen for nominating me via Disfuctional Unit, I truly appreciate it and especially like how you described me:

TheSandyTongue-This blog is not for everyone.  It’s pretty raunchy.  He uses a lot of profanity.  He is not politically correct.  He’s an atheist (I think).  Every once in a while he feels compelled to do a product endorsement for some toiletry he puts on his crotch.  So who, do you ask, is the Sandy Tongue for? 

Mainly anyone who’s a sucker for people who are unapologetically compelled to speak their truth, not for shock value, but because they are sincerely expressing their uncensored opinion with the expectation that there are at least a few grown ups in the world who understand you don’t have to separate your friends and enemies along the lines of those who always share your viewpoint and those who don’t. 

I definitely do not always agree with the opinion spoken by the The Sandy Tongue (although often I do), but I appreciate the different points of view he brings to the table.  Most of the time he’s pretty funny.  Sometimes he’s downright hysterical.

Seven things that people may not know about me: Continue reading

So Hard to Be RICH

I travel to the Miami area quite a bit for work and I’m always amazed at some of the things I see.  The wealth in the Miami area is astounding and trust me, there is no recession over there.

I was at the Aventura Mall and some things I observed inspired this post.

This wasn’t your average mall.  This was a mall where half the parking lot was reserved for valet and I’ve never seen so many $100K vehicles in one small area.
It was truly mind blowing.  There were Bentleys, Rolls, Masserattis that made Mercedes look like a Yugo.

And There She Stood: I was walking into the mall when I saw her standing waiting on the valet attendant.  She was the A-Typical, rich Miami bitch.

From the top to the bottom:

*Platinum bleached blonde hair that looks like it will crack like peanut brittle if touched, every inch of her face over-sculpted with plastic surgery to the point that she may swallow her head with the next attempt at a smile,

*Fake DD tits that are at least 20 years older than the A cups she used to have,

*Louis Vitton bag the size of a midget hanging from her arm,

So, So Hard: It’s amazing how hard it is to be rich.  So much surgery, so much money wasted on designer clothes, so much attention paid to making sure everyone else knows you have money, so much effort to be just like everyone else.

Of course, there are plenty of rich people in the world who don’t act like this, but they don’t intrigue me like the “plastic monsters” who trip over their spiked heels on their way to the salon.

Wake up America, your greed is disgusting and only makes look like little piggies.