Bradentucky Seafood Festival; the land of white trash

“Deprived of meaningful work, men and women lose their reason for existence; they go stark, raving mad.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

A man wearing only one flip flop, sits slumped over on a bench resting the side of his head on a oak tree about 20 feet from the main stage.  He is wearing a black shirt with a red confederate flag on the front that says, “You’ve got your X, we’ve got ours.”

There are other men in only slightly better condition standing behind him drinking Budweiser from cans and  smoking pot from a one-hitter that slides into a belt buckle.  Behind them, a normal looking mom and dad with three young sons eat fried foods on extra-large toothpicks.

The weather is beautiful.  It’s about 80 degrees, sunny with no clouds and very little humidity.  The kind of weather that keeps the tourists around until the snow melts in their northern hometowns.  The kind of weather that keeps the tourists clogging my streets while I try not to succumb to massive road rage.

“If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me,” is the Lynyrd Skynrd song being played by the band.  About 25 to 30 people attempt to dance to the country anthem, but really just sway back and forth spilling beer on their feet without a care.  A rough, biker looking couple wades through the crowd with a pet python wrapped around both of their necks.  Little children run up to pet it, while others run away and grab their mother’s legs. Continue reading

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So Tired of Cougars

I apologize in advance if the following post makes me sound like I’m full of vitriol, hate and confusion about a certain female subculture; but that’s just how I feel:

Forgive me if this is redundant, but I’m damn sick of cougars.  Once or twice a month, the downtown area where I live has a public get together with street vendors, food, bands and other festival like shit.  It attracts a good sized crowd and I truly wanted to beat the hell out of about 99.9% of the people there.

Of all the annoying people, I have to say I was ready and willing to kill all the cougar moms and here’s why:

  • Ugh boots– I live in Florida, totally un-fucking-necessary, we turn our heat on maybe twice a year
  • Fake Tits– come on, isn’t silicon played out by now?  Can’t wait until you are 55, but your tits are 20, AWESOME
  • Too Tight Jeans– stop wearing your 14 year-old daughters jeans for christ sakes, enough already
  • Big Sunglasses– really? Jackie O is dead and her glasses died with her
  • The term “cougar– it’s not cute, or fancy, it really means you are a whore who is tired of her husband fucking his secretaries
  • Your Douche Bag Husbands– holy shit, easy with the diamond studded jeans, Ed Hardy shirts and Rolex watches, you are just breeders to them, put on the earth to raise their sons to become high school quarterbacks
  • Your wine drinking-stop being pussies and drink some liquor, it masks the insecurities better anyway
  • Your Soul– never mind, you don’t have one

Cougars, soccer moms, whatever you want to call them, need to be stopped.  They are destroying our ozone one pair of bad sunglasses at a time.  If women of any age consider themselves a cougar, they might as well just run around with a sign that says, “Fuck Me Please, It Will Make Me Feel Good About Myself.”

Am I the only one who feels this way?