Your Dog and My Kids

dog“My dog is smarter than your honor student.”  I’m sure most of you have seen this bumper sticker; of course the type of dog is usually identified.

I’ve raised dogs before and I am currently raising four children.  I can say, without a fucking doubt, that my honor students are smarter than whatever dog you have.

And here’s how I can prove it:

  • Your dog licks its own ass and genitalia on a regular basis and doesn’t brush its teeth.  So, in essence, your dog has ass-crotch breath.
  • Your dog sniffs crotches, a lot
  • Your dog can’t eat without you, my kids can use a microwave and an oven
  • Your dog pisses the floor when it hears thunder, my kids understand that thunder is just a noise
  • You have to cut your dog’s toenails……………enough said

I love dogs as much as the next person, but please relax with the bumper stickers.

Your dog will never be smarter than my honor students.  As a matter of fact, your dog will never be smarter than the below average booger eaters.

Cheers.

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The Selfie Generation

selfieI feel lucky to have been a teenager in the 90’s when social media was actually having to converse face to face with people.  I have teen-aged daughters and I’m watching this FacebookInstaChatSnapGram live from the front row.

And I have to say I feel sympathy for them.  My wife and I do an excellent job of monitoring their social media and we remain steadfast in being proactive with their lives.  But damn, this shit is amazing.

I can only imagine how my life would have been different if I had today’s technology while I was in high school:

*Every time I drank a beer, smoked some weed or said something shitty about someone, it would be right out on front street. 

*It was so much easier to be able to just talk behind peoples’ backs without fear of being recorded. 

*It was so much easier to pass out drunk without having to worry about becoming the next Vine video of a drunk asshole with dicks drawn on his cheeks in permanent marker. 

*It was so much easier to egg someone’s house and root their yard up without fear of it being taped by Verizon home security cameras. 

*It was so much easier to tell my parents I was going to my friend Tom’s house even though I was meeting a girl for sex and not have to worry about an app on my cell phone telling them exactly where I was. 

*It was so much easier to apply for a job and not worry that the prospective employer already knew everything about me that I was trying to hide.

I think what saddens me the most is that as we become more technologically advanced we seem to become lazier, less intelligent and desensitized to everything that damages us.

Maybe I will post that last thought on Facebook and see how many “likes” I can get.

In Africa….(Parenting 101)

(Raising children is no easy task.  When my children whine and complain about insignificant shit, I generally will try to help them achieve perspective by reminding them of what kids in other countries don’t have.  I didn’t pick Africa for any special reason, it just always seems that poor Africans are more publicized than poor people in other countries.  I mean no disrespect to the fine people of Africa and it sounds better than saying, “Kids in Bosnia….”.)

When my children complain about what’s for dinner, cleaning their rooms, what we are doing during the weekend or what we are going to do on vacation, I may say the following:

  • Well, you should feel lucky; kids in Africa have never even seen pizza.  Their idea of pizza is a dung beetle covered in Sahara sand, washed down with a few drops of their own urine.
  • Well, you should feel lucky, kids in Africa take their showers in a waterfall jumping over crocodiles and rhinos that are trying to eat them.
  • Well, you should feel lucky, kids in Africa don’t even have a room to clean.  Instead, they get to clean the empty hyena carcasses left over from the hunt to make jackets for them to stay warm at night.
  • Well, you should feel lucky, kids in Africa don’t even have Ipods and have no idea who Justin Beiber is.  (My bad, the kids in Africa win that one.)
  • Well, you should feel lucky, kids in Africa don’t even have toilets to flush, instead they dig a hole in the ground underneath a briar patch and hope a rival tribe doesn’t kidnap them and force them into becoming a child soldier.

True story, one day my oldest daughter said, “There is a girl in my class who is from Africa and she has an Iphone, takes normal showers and loves pizza.”

HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT, I thought to myself, my gig is up.  I’ve never claimed to be the best parent, but I always try to teach my children some valid life perspective.  If you have better ideas please let me know.

Toddlers & Tiara’s (an honest review)

Show me your sassy face,” said one of the mothers to her little princess as she stomped her foot down in beautiful 3 year-old defiance.

I am fascinated by culture, society and the things that people will do to their children.  So naturally, TLC’s hit show Toddlers & Tiaras is the perfect combination of the Perfect Storm meeting the Perfect Train Wreck.

There is so much blood spilling on the screen, I cannot turn away.  The body parts are thrown all over the tracks, picked up by the wind and blown around in an orgy of distaste.

The Children:

The episodes I’ve seen highlight girls between the ages of about 3 to around 8 years old.  I’ve watched young children go through spray tanning, made to wear wigs, having their eyebrows plucked, doused in layers of make-up and that’s only the beginning.  I watched one child tell her mother right before she was to go on stage that she had to “potty“.  Her mother told her that she had a pull-up on and it was alright for her to urinate in her pants.  Mother of the Year, if you asked me. Continue reading