Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

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Trompe le Monde (China wins again)

trompeYes, Trompe le Monde is a Pixies album, a quite good one by the way.  It translates to “Fool the World.”  That’s what truly interests me.  I feel like millions of people are constantly being fooled by the following “stars”:

Beyonce– there really is very little talent here.  Case in point, this lyric from Drunk in Love: “Then I fill up the tub halfway then ride it with my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard.”  It’s a sad notion that those lyrics actually make Lil Wayne appear intellectual.  And I’m not even getting into Jay Z, her husband who looks like a retarded dinosaur.

Kayne“I am Warhol.  I am the No. 1 most impactful artist of our generation.  I am Shakespeare in the flesh.”  Nice quote ASSHOLE. Dear Kayne, all you really did was have a couple of good songs, fucked a girl with a big ass (who had previously fucked a lesser rapper, videotaped it and became Duh’Merica famous) and now you prance around inside your insanely misguided, gigantic ego.  You are what’s wrong with entertainment.  If you need more proof, check out that video with him and Kim on a motorcycle.  kayne

Kardashians– I’m not sure where to begin.  The mom was married to a famous lawyer.  Then she married an Olympic star who decided after years of marriage to her that he wanted to slice his penis in half to make a vagina.  One of her daughters fucks rappers and videotapes it.  Another daughter sucked the life out of a troubled NBA player.  Another daughter………….. pointless.  Please end this ever revolving merry-go-around of makeup, valley girl accents and NO TALENT.

Adam Sandler– he had a few funny moments and a couple of funny movies.  Now he just makes shitty movies so he can travel to cool places like Hawaii and Africa.  His inside jokes are so “inside” that it’s impossible to even find a reason to laugh.  He does seem like a guy I would want to get drunk with.  I guess I should applaud him for taken full advantage of Duh’Merica.

Each one of the above is a perfect example of Trompe le Monde.  It’s almost like all the Duh’Mericans united in a pool of their own drippy saliva and decided to be fooled all at once.  Hey Duh’Merica, keep lacing their pockets with money, thanks for keeping the talent-less relevant.  China wins again.

 

 

I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

god’s mysterious ways(the devil wins again)

God-Must-Love-Stupid-People_6160-l

I’ve grown so tired of hearing the expression “god works in mysterious ways.” (I never capitalize god, just doesn’t feel right)

Hey god, your mysterious ways confuse me:

….kids dying from cancer

….the kardashians, jean shorts, ebonics

….kids starving throughout the entire world

….tyler perry, duck dynasty, rhianna, mtv

….children being sexually abused, women being raped, female circumcision

….the bible, rednecks, confederate flags, prayers

Holy Shit god- Looks like the DEVIL is kicking your ass and the score is about a trillion to zero.

(I have no problem with people believing in god, but if you are going to believe in god, at least believe that he is indeed a cruel fucking god)

 

Duh’Merica (the creepy uncle)

Duh’Merica, You have disturbed my pleasant dreams and filled my head with Kardashians, Honey Boo-Boos and extra large french-fry commercials

Duh’Merica, You continue to produce generations of young fools who would rather take pictures of their cocks and tits then read a book about the history they are about to repeat

Duh’Merica, You continue to bomb dark-skinned people far from your shores in the hopes of distracting your masses from what is real……………and the distraction continues to succeed

Duh’Merica, You pound your chest under the false guise of patriotism while removing all hope of an intelligent, rational discussion regarding anything of social importance

Duh’Merica, Your masses continue to believe in a magician in the clouds while always discounting your opposable thumbs

Duh’Merica, You never fail to grip me with the tight fingers of the old, creepy uncle, sitting in the corner at the family reunion making everyone uncomfortable……… and always doing it with a smile.

 

My New Hero (Charles P. Pierce)

“Idiot America is a strange, disordered place.  Everything is on the wrong shelves.  The truth of something is defined by how many people will attest to it, and facts are defined by those people’s fervency.  Fiction and nonfiction are defined by how well they sell.  The best sellers are one shelf, check by jowl, whether what’s contained in them is true or not.  People wander blindly, following the Gut into dark corners and aisles that lead nowhere, confusing possibilities with threats, jumping at shadows, stumbling around.  They trip over piles of fiction left strewn around the floor of the nonfiction aisles.  They fall down.  They land on other people, and those other people can get hurt.” Charles P. Pierce from the book Idiot America

 

America

I have been searching for a while and finally found my new hero.  His name is Charles P. Pierce.  His book Idiot America is an absolute must read, absolute must read.

He is brilliant, but will never be as popular as Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus.  That is why I fear the battle may have already been lost.

Pierce is not sexy, he is not charismatic, he does not man-scape, he does not fake tan, he is not Hollywood in an way, shape or form.

Sadly, Pierce is just an incredibly gifted writer and communicator who understands the “big picture” of our culture and rips into that culture without regard for offense.

He researches and brings the truth to light.  But sadly, most of Idiot America could care less about the truth.  Idiot America wants TMZ, American Idol and wants to suck the Kardashian tit until the milk is gone.

That’s why China has already won.

Thank you Mr. Pierce for what you do, thank you.  I only hope more people will discover you.

Shhhhh……Duh’Merica is sleeping

The pillow is so comfortable; so damn comfortable as you sink into the feathers.  It was a long night of catching up on Honey Boo-Boo episodes, you deserve a rest.

Shhhhh, don’t wake up.  While you count Kardashians jumping over your drool-stained cheeks, America is supplying weapons to a new group of dark-skinned rebels who will one day crash another plane.

The temperature is perfect; so damn perfect with the ceiling fan on full blast.  You pull one leg out from the sheets to remain cool.  After all, the jacuzzi scene on the Bachelor was hot tonight.  All those strangers sucking face.  You would cut your arm off to be the next star.

Shhhhhh, don’t turn over to quickly, you might wake.  While you dream of McRibb sandwiches, America just listened to every one of your phone calls and read all of your text messages because you used the word “B O M B” on Words With Friends.

The birds are starting to chirp as you stretch your arms above your head.  What a good sleep, maybe you should roll back over and get another 30 minutes or another 30 years.  While you decide to hit snooze, America is still trying to convince the world that prayer will make everything better.

Shhhh…. Duh’Merica is sleeping and I’m afraid they will never wake up.