Your Dog and My Kids

dog“My dog is smarter than your honor student.”  I’m sure most of you have seen this bumper sticker; of course the type of dog is usually identified.

I’ve raised dogs before and I am currently raising four children.  I can say, without a fucking doubt, that my honor students are smarter than whatever dog you have.

And here’s how I can prove it:

  • Your dog licks its own ass and genitalia on a regular basis and doesn’t brush its teeth.  So, in essence, your dog has ass-crotch breath.
  • Your dog sniffs crotches, a lot
  • Your dog can’t eat without you, my kids can use a microwave and an oven
  • Your dog pisses the floor when it hears thunder, my kids understand that thunder is just a noise
  • You have to cut your dog’s toenails……………enough said

I love dogs as much as the next person, but please relax with the bumper stickers.

Your dog will never be smarter than my honor students.  As a matter of fact, your dog will never be smarter than the below average booger eaters.

Cheers.

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Dear Pussies

I’m tired of the whining, I’m tired of the bitching and complaining.  America has turned into a nation of big, giant, dripping wet pussies.

(I mean no disrespect to women or their vaginas with this post.  I quite like vaginas; it just so happens that the word “pussy” is used universally to describe people as wimps.  I didn’t create that.)

On Patriotism: Stop moaning every time I say I’m against war, that doesn’t mean I’m unpatriotic, it just means I have a differing opinion than those who enjoy bombing the hell out of dark-skinned people half way across the world.

Hey, they killed about 3,000 of us at the Twin Towers; I think we are more than even now.

How much longer do we need to prove our dick-size?

And don’t patronize me with your American Flag displays.  Nothing screams “Patriot” more than your old ass truck with a confederate flag waving from the tailgate.  AMERICA, FUCK YEAH.

On American Idol Contestants: Hey parents, if your kid sings like a wounded dog, please have the courage to tell them that they suck.

When you hide the truth from your kids in an effort not to hurt their feelings, you are only setting them up for embarrassment and failure.

It’s better for you, their parents, to tell them that they suck instead of encouraging them to display their ill-fated vocals in front of a panel of judges and millions of Americans on television.

“But mommy and daddy, you said I was the best singer in the county.  Why did everyone laugh at me?”  See, just tell them they suck and none of that will happen.  Continue reading