Red, White and Boo (a poem)

I see your Katie Perry

And I raise you Beyonce.

What ever happened to real art, like the Fat Boys?

Now, just splendid drivel cascading from the youthful mouth

Texting, sexting, pursed lips and Jersey Shore dreams.

Find China on a map? Fuck You, I’m getting my nails done at 3.

Be careful young ones, the noodles and puppy nuggets are coming to a store near you.

I see your E Hollywood News

And raise you Dancing With the Stars.

Posting every mundane bit of your daily shit for all to see

Facebook, Twitter, MySpace your freaking life away

My eyes, dried and burnt from your “Do you like me?” poll.

Keep your pom poms clean and your cell phone charged.

I see your De-evolution

And go all in with your soul

Shouldn’t be difficult to call my bet

You are another failed demographic, another vapid target market.


Scientology (levels of crazy)

CRUISEAfter recently watching the HBO documentary Going Clear I was baffled, yet conflicted. I am a champion of free speech, freedom of religion and for people to believe what they want to believe.

But damn, watching this documentary was painful. I always try to approach any documentary with an open mind, because generally, a documentary presents one side of a story.

That being said, if only 10% of this doc is true, then everyone should be terrified. Very, very terrified. The “auditing”, the “bridge”, the Galactic Overlord Xenu and evil spirits taking over your body………HOLY SHIT.

In many respects though, Scientology is not much different than any other religion. In my opinion, most religions are based on beliefs that are incredibly ridiculous.

Most of the stories in the Christian bible are difficult to grasp or comprehend on any level. So I guess it just comes down to levels of crazy.

A guy in the clouds snapping his fingers and creating Earth=Batshit Crazy. Scientology and Xenu=Triple Batshit Crazy. I can’t even write anymore because every time I think about it my mouth hits the floor.

I truly can’t believe that so many people can be so fucking stupid to believe this shit. Baffling. But hey, it’s worth a watch. It’s interesting, disturbing and will make you hate Tom Cruise and John Travolta more than you probably already do.

Go back to bed America (bill hicks quote)

It amazes me how this quote still applies today.  Read it and let it sink in for a minute.

I miss Bill Hicks.  I can only imagine what he would be saying today.

“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”

Bill Hicks

RIP Paul Walker, (duh’merica rises again)

paul-walkerDuh’Merica never ceases to amaze me.  When Paul Walker died, I sadly laughed at all the people who were interviewed on television.

By all accounts, Walker seemed like a good guy.  When I say “by all accounts”, I mean whatever I’ve seen on television.  I mean for all I know Walker had a basement full of Filipino lady-boys playing naked Twister on a daily basis.  Hell, I don’t know.

Anyway.  His death, although not exactly tragic in my opinion, brought out the best in Duh’Merica.  People crying about what a great guy he was.  People crying, talking about what a great actor he was.  People crying about what a tragedy his death was.  People crying for a man they never met.

Let me repeat that last line for you: PEOPLE CRYING FOR A MAN THEY NEVER MET.

You see, this is a major problem with our country.  Continue reading

China- Still Winning

reese-witherspoon-cancels-fallon-appearance-after-arrestI argue with people quite often about the current health of American Society.  And when I use the term “health”, I mean the current state of the American people as an educated society.

I poke fun at my country and often say that China is winning.  So today, I went to a website visited daily by millions of Americans just to keep up with current events.

According to TMZ, this is what Americans care about today:

Story 1- Reese Witherspoon’s infamous “you are going to know who I am,” moment.  Ah Reese, so nice to see you putting into practice all that legal knowledge from your Legally Blonde movies.

Apparently, millions of Americans care about a washed-up actress who thinks she’s better than all the sheep who watch her movies.  Your husband was drunk, shut the fuck up and obey the cop.  Newsflash- Georgia cops don’t give a fuck about Hollywood.

Story 2- “Teen Mom Farrah Working Another Pole”  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  Here is a girl who was on television for breeding too early.  When her tiny pinch of fame began to dissipate, she decided to follow in the steps of Kim Kardashian and make a fuck movie.

BRILLIANT.  Hey America, all you have to do for fame is fuck somebody, video tape it and then pretend you had no idea your bleached asshole was on the internet.

Story 3- Only 3 Words Necessary– LINDSAY…..FUCKING….LOHAN.  I didn’t get past the headline, but I assume it has to do with court, drugs, lawyer and rehab.

In the interest of time, I’m going to stop there because the next stories are essentially a regurgitation of the first ones.  Only the names are different.

So America, don’t bitch when China takes over and we are eating fried golden retriever puppy nuggets, taking rickshaws to work at a factory making cheap, plastic toys for Wal Mart.

I warned you.  China is still winning.

Dear Twilight Freaks,

(While reading this, keep in mind that somewhere inside her New Orleans mansion, Anne Rice is pulling her fucking hair out)

Hey Twilight freaks, get a fucking grip.

So, it appears that Kristen Stewart may in fact be a dirty, little whore.

The pictures of her butt snuggling with a married man were not photo shopped and she actually admitted cheating on her vampire boyfriend Robert.

Hold the fucking phone!!!

How could she do such a dastardly thing?  How could she betray such a wonderful vampire????

WHO FUCKING CARES!!!!  Holy shit people, get a fucking life already.


But don’t freak out too much, for all you know Stephanie Meyer may have added this plot twist for the next movie.

I know how difficult it can be for people to separate reality from movies, but the vampire world is a very intricate one.

On page 37 of The Vampires are Probably Real handbook; it states that “reality is truly the creation of the believer.”

So wipe those tears away, clean up that runny nose and text all your friends that there could be a new Vampire Rising.

What could that mean you ask?  Duh, what if Kristen bit that guy she cheated on Robert with?  That means he’s a vampire now.

Holy Shit, now all you freaks have to decide on Team Edward, Team  Jacob or Team Cheater Guy.

Oh dear, I can smell your desperation and it reeks.

DUH’America II (The Kardashian Effect)

“Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye?” Bill Hicks

(I know this happened a while ago, but I fucking hate the Kardashians, so here it is again)

I saw that someone threw flour on Kim Kardashian at some bull-shit red carpet event recently and now she’s going to press charges.  First, before we think about this horrible (sarcasm) event let‘s think about just exactly who Kim K is.

Her dad was a lawyer, he died.  Her next dad was on a Wheaties box and if he has one more plastic surgery his mouth will surely swallow his entire head.

She’s physically attractive, has a big ass, fucked a rapper, filmed it and put it online.  SHEBANG, FAMOUS. 

Let that sink in for a minute.  That’s right, DUH’America, you are responsible for creating the Kardashians.

She fucked a rapper and videotaped it= FAMOUS

She has a nice, big ass= FAMOUS Continue reading