Hurricane Irma- it’s nature dumb assess

I’m a native Floridian and just experienced Hurricane Irma firsthand.  I was very fortunate; no damage at my home and I was lucky enough not to lose power.   Hell,  I didn’t even lose my satellite television signal.

I am continually amazed at all of the fucking moronic posts on social media regarding the hurricane.  So much damn praying, so much bitching, so much illogical reasoning.

Take a look at this picture that was shared multiple times:

irmaheartPeople actually rejoiced that this split-second satellite image appears to show a heart.

Here’s a quote from someone on one of my social media feeds, “Powerful Hurricanes continue to unleash devastating winds and rain … But the strongest force in Nature is LOVE ❤️

Holy fuck, I’m sure this person sends tons of money to some asshole televangelist.

I can’t believe that people post shit like this.  Love has nothing to do with natural disasters.  Absolutely nothing.

And neither does praying.  If praying was real and actually affected real life, then what about the poor people who were destroyed by this hurricane?  I guess they didn’t pray hard enough.

It’s a natural disaster, nothing can stop it and nothing can change it.  They’ve been happening since the beginning of time and will continue to happen until the Earth is fucking gone.

People have become so fucking stupid it blows my mind.

And now there are tons of people in Florida who don’t have power and you should hear all of them bitching at once about not having air conditioning.  It’s fucking nauseating.

A random, malnourished 7 year-old boy in Africa was asked how he felt about all the people in Florida who didn’t have working air conditioners:

“What the hell is an air conditioner?  And what is electricity?  Excuse me, I have to chase down that hyena over there and collect his urine so I can have something to drink this week,” said the boy.

 

Advertisements

Trump’s new Pledge of Allegiance

“I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the disjointed States of Tump’Merica.  And to the Republic, for which it stands, One Nation, under Russia, with liberty for the privileged and justice for those with white skin.”

pencetrumpOur Dear Leader has proposed the above changes to the Pledge of Allegiance.  The Republican Congress should have no problem passing it.

Sadly though, it was reported that Mike Pence was furious because he wanted to have the word “God” added 150 times regardless of making any sense. (this is not actual news, this is hyperbole, comedy, etc.)

As ridiculous as this sounds, I wouldn’t surprised if some version of this happened one day.  Because this is the current state of Duh’Merica.

We are spinning wildly in a society without logic, without reason and without intelligent thought.  Anger and emotions have taken center stage.  Logic is just an afterthought.

We are Duh’Merica and we deserve this.

(By the way, I am a white man, I’ve never supported Hillary and I’m no bleeding heart.)

 

 

god, guns & ranch dressing (the redneck price)

redneck(I wrote this a while ago, but feel it still applies)

I’m American and most of the time I feel lucky to be free.  But that freedom comes with a huge price……….. a huge, redneck price.  And it can be broken down concisely into three categories:

GOD– Holy shit does America love god.  No matter what you do, it’s nearly impossible to escape this “magician in the sky.”  “Keep Christ in Christmas,” has become the most popular tattoo in the south.  (p.s. body mutilation does not apply to rednecks)

GUNS– Dear Rednecks, shut up, no one is going to take your guns away.  Hell, it just wouldn’t be fair if you couldn’t buy a machine gun to defend your double-wide trailer.  Forget the guns, you should really be worrying about your pet pythons and venomous snake collection.

RANCH DRESSING– Pizza, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers, pasta, spam, pork rinds, left over Golden Corral, snickers bars………… just a few of the many foods Rednecks like to dip in Ranch Dressing before chasing it down with a 2 liter of Mountain Dew.  You know Ranch Dressing is a serious problem when you can buy a case of it at the local tanning salon.

In conclusion; forget the above three items.  You (rednecks) are correct, Obama was born in Kenya and he has ruined this country.  It has nothing to do with your inbreeding (see the Avery family of Making a Murderer), or your belief that Earth is only a few thousand years old.  Praise god, load your guns and please continue to play Ranch Dressing Pong while telling that story about your alien abduction.

Cheers, Duh’Merica

(P.S.S. China wins again)

STOP F***ing praying

prayerPlease, I implore you….. please stop praying.  If you haven’t noticed, it aint fucking working.

“God works in mysterious ways.” 

Wow, he certainly does. So far his mysterious ways should lead any coherent person to ask God the following:

“Just what the fuck are you waiting on.  I mean shit, we’ve been praying our asses off and you just seem to be napping.  Oh, I’m sorry father, I have faith in you.  I shouldn’t question your omniscient graceful hand.”

With each new mass killing of innocent people; the prayers ramp up, the social media profile pictures change and people everywhere blabber about change.

But guess what?  Nothing…… fucking……changes.  Your prayers are only useful for helping you feel better about yourself.  Prayer does nothing tangible.  It never has and it never will.

As long as people continue to be less educated, less informed and angry, none of this shit will change.

But don’t worry, Tim Tebow and Scott Baio will be speaking at the Republican National Convention……….. all of our troubles will be solved.

Tebow prays and guy still dies

tebow

Duh’Merica has struck again and with ridiculous precision.  So, the all American, white christian, ex-crappy NFL quarterback Tim Tebow did something amazing the other day.

Something so amazing that the Duh’Merican media collectively shit and jizzed in their pants simultaneously.

What did he do you ask????  Well, a man on his flight suffered a heart attack and Timmy (Baby Jesus), gathered several people on the plane and prayed.  Yes, he led a prayer session.

The media went absolutely apeshit while millions of Duh’Mericans nodded their heads in appreciative unison.

“Tim Tebow is the greatest man since Jesus himself.  He prayed on a plane with some strangers.  I still can’t believe no NFL team will sign him,” said Clyde from Missouri.

Tim Tebow Leads Passengers in Prayer as Man on Flight Suffers Heart Attack

Now you are probably wondering exactly what happened to the poor heart attack man.  Well, he was resuscitated by a man on the flight other than Timmy Prayer boy, but you will have to look at the bottom of every story to find that nugget.

Maybe the media should have a least given a shout out to the guy who actually did something tangible…… like trying to save a life with CPR.

Sadly, the heart attack man later died at the hospital.  So really, Timmy Terrible NFL Quarterback actually didn’t do shit.  Apparently he didn’t pray hard enough, because his God decided it was time for the heart attack man to leave Earth.

And even more sadly, the Duh’Merican media lost their collective heads because a white dude prayed with some people on a plane.

What a fucking joke.  Maybe one day Duh’Mericans will be able to stop drooling over a bad NFL quarterback who still hasn’t ejaculated yet.  Maybe all the backed up semen in his body interfered with the prayer getting through to God.

Cheers

 

 

stop praying for Orlando, please

orlando-tributes-9The shooting in Orlando was an absolute tragedy.

The poor child who was attacked by the alligator and died, also an absolute tragedy.

The singer who was shot and killed signing autographs, that’s another absolute tragedy.

But, for the love of all things rational, please stop praying for these victims.  If you didn’t notice, god was caught napping again.  Apparently he didn’t give a shit about these victims.

“Hey god, where the fuck were you on that one?  I mean you had 3 different tragedies to stop and totally failed.  Well done god.”

So why are you praying?  Because it makes you fell better about yourself?  Because you like to be part of drama?  Because you have nothing else worth while to contribute?

When you change your social media profile picture to an LGBT flag, do you know what that does?  Absolutely fucking nothing.  Absolutely fucking nothing.

Oh yeah and I almost forgot, for all you assholes who posted the story about Chic Fil-A working on Sunday and delivering food to people at the blood drives, fucking spare me.  Their owners still believe that all gay people will burn in eternal hell.

“Here’s your chicken sandwich, sorry you are still going to hell because Leviticus says so.”

I always love when people turn tragedies into right vs. left (sarcasm).

Again, your prayers mean absolutely nothing.  Instead of wasting time praying to your god who doesn’t care, go give blood or volunteer somewhere.  Feed a hungry kid or find something productive to do.  Put your cell phones down and make a real difference.

Well done Duh’Merica, you’ve done it again.

(Personal note: I feel terrible for all the victims and can’t imagine what their families are going through.  It pisses me off how people and the media turn all these events into political rhetoric and how quickly the victims are forgotten.)

 

Jesus Went to Supercuts

photo-15So, a nice old Jehovah woman rang my doorbell today and handed me the above pamphlet.  She was not pushy at all, but rather just invited me to come get all my questions answered about Jesus. She didn’t even give me any Watchtower hand-outs, I was shocked. I thanked her and closed the door.

Of course most people find Jehovah Witnesses incredibly annoying and I generally find myself feeling that way too.  But after looking at this beautiful depiction of Jesus, I began to think about Jehovahs in a different light. Continue reading