all cats are probably gay

catprancing down the street, with a constant look of “I’m better than you bitch.”                              

laying on the grass in the front yard, deliberately flipping their tails back and forth inviting you to pet their stomach,                                      

then as you oblige, they scratch you like a mad queen who was just told he was “chunky”                           

they flutter past you, deliberately brushing your leg for attention with their tail high in the air exposing their asshole, an asshole that looks like a banana that’s been split in half                   

I’ve yet to see a cat who appeared masculine in any way, nor have I ever heard a cat meow in a deep voice like the Allstate guy                                                                    (I’m fairly certain that All Cats (Domestic) Are Probably Gay)


God and the Gay Dude

A gay dude walked into a bar and God was sitting at a corner booth looking all cool and shit while stroking his white beard.  The conversation went something like this:

Gay Dude– Hey there, is that really you?  Are you God?

  God– Yes my son, behold, for it is me, the Almighty.

Gay Dude(clapping gingerly) Finally, I’ve been looking for you for like years.  I have a really, really important question for you.

  God– Anything my son, what’s on your mind?

Gay Dude– Well, I’m afraid you don’t love me.

  God– Why would you think that?  I am God, I love everyone.  I created you in my image.

Gay Dude– But I like other dudes.

  God-Well so do I, what’s wrong with that???

Gay Dude– No, I mean I realllllllllllllllly like other dudes.  I like penises.  I like to touch them, lick them and put them in my ass.

  God– Holy Shit, I get it now.  You are a fag, hmmmmm.  Yeah, I don’t really like fags that much.  You know, I’m still pissed about all that Sodom and Gomorrah shit that went down a while back.

Gay Dude– But do you love me?  I was born this way, does that mean you are gay too, since you created me in your image and all???

  God– Look buddy, I love pussy.  We had a security breach in heaven years ago and Beelzebub snuck in and started creating fags just to fuck with me.  I so didn’t create fags.  But now lesbians, I love me some lesbians.  I take full credit for them. (winking)

Gay Dude– This is bullshit.

  God– Get used to it and be thankful, at least you aren’t a black fag.

Extra Mayo

arbys_philly_beef_02When I asked for extra mayo on the side, she stared at me with those banjo eyes.  You know the eyes I mean.

The eyes that seem to be much farther apart than they should be.  Eyes that have watched cousins touch each other in the dark, warm areas only non-relatives should be allowed to touch.

Her quizzical expression reminded me of how a squirrel’s mind must feel when it crosses the road in front of a car safely, then darts back from where he came from. But her expression was far less urgent than the squirrel narrowly escaping death.

“Extra mayo?  You sure about that,” she said with a southern baptist twang.

“Absolutely dear.  Haven’t you ever had mayo on a philly cheese steak?” I answered a bit angrily.

And why did she give a shit about my mayo ordering habits?  After all, this was an Applebees in the deep south and not exactly a bastion for health nuts.  I naturally assumed that mayo was quite popular here. Continue reading

Bacon Jerky = Duck Dynasty Irony

baconLeviticus 11:7-11:8“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he [is] unclean to you.  Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch, they [are] unclean to you.”

Oh shit, what to do now Duck Dynasty?  It’s ok to hate gay people due to Leviticus, but it’s ok to go against the bible and profit from the swine???

Oh, I get it.  Bacon, ribs and pulled-pork tastes good so that’s ok.  But gay people, that’s just some crazy shit you aren’t comfortable with so go ahead and use your bible to justify your hatred.

Hey Duh’Merica, wake the fuck up and realize you are being duped by this rich family of “reality” stars.  Their bank accounts swell under the guise of a god-loving family while they use the bible to support their bigotry.

And all the while, the hypocrisy flies over your head.

Keep praying and don’t think.  Rinse and repeat.



duck dynasty rednecks (duh’merica rises again)

Duck Dynasty stars 660 APThanks a lot Duck Dynasty for bringing Leviticus back.  I’m still amazed that people are shocked that a Christian redneck made some disparaging comments about gay people.

I’m even more amazed that so many people care about some bearded rednecks who wear a lot of camo and make duck shit.

I’m the first person to defend a person’s right of free speech.  But what I think is important is to examine exactly what inspired his comments. 

Without much investigation, I think it’s safe to say that the Duck Father has a problem with homosexuals because of his Christian faith and fervent belief in the book of Leviticus.

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable.  They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:13 (NIV)

Isn’t it about time that people understand that there is some crazy shit in the bible, some especially crazy shit in the old testament?

Here’s another verse from the same book:

“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buys slaves.” Leviticus 25:44 (NIV)

Why is it that so many Christians point to one verse of the bible to justify their bigotry against gay people and then forget about all the other verses concerning  things like slavery, like female submission, etc. Continue reading

As Queer as a Football Bat (American Sports)

I was an athlete for many years and I enjoy the entertainment value of sports.  But, something has always intrigued me about the overt homosexual elements presented within athletics.

In America, sports are more highly regarded than almost every other element of society.  Most of our children grow up wanting to be a professional athlete and most parents are more than willing to help them attempt to make that dream come true.

For the exception of the WNBA, homosexuality and American athletics does not mix.  I was an athlete for years and I can tell you firsthand that being gay in locker room is about as comfortable as eating a cactus sandwich.

Why then is America alright with their superstar, male athletes doing the following things:
1.    Smacking another teammate on the ass after he makes a good play.  (When is this ever considered not-gay?)
2.    A quarterback placing his hands under the center’s anus as he awaits the hiking of the “ball.” (Let’s see here; guys hand touching another guys taint and ball sack, WOW) Continue reading

Thanks a Lot God (for the tornado)


First, I feel absolutely horrible for all the people affected by the tornado in Oklahoma.  No one, especially children, should ever have to suffer like that.  I can’t imagine how terrible that must be and feel lucky for my safety.

What I have difficulty with is how social media sites blow up with messages of “pray for the victims,” or “have faith that God will get you through this horrible time.”  That logic absolutely escapes me.

For those who believe in God, don’t you at least have to believe that your God is an evil and unsympathetic God?  How can you rationalize children being buried alive and killed by a tornado?  What did an innocent child do to deserve that fate?

How is that part of “God’s Plan”?

When I’m confused about religion I often turn to Pat Robertson to explain.  I’m guessing that Pat may think there were a lot of gay people in Oklahoma who needed to be purged from the planet (similar to the earthquake in Haiti).  Shame on those gays for pissing off nature again.

Interestingly enough, Pat backed away from his usual delusion-filled comments and gave a much more comforting answer.

“Why do you build houses where tornadoes are apt to happen,” said Pat Robertson.  Well done Pat.  So basically, all those poor people are just idiots who don’t know where to build a house.

Just when I thought I had heard it all, Pat went on to say that praying would have helped and that “Jesus could have stilled the storm.”


I think someone needs to start a new campaign and it’s titled: PUNCH PAT ROBERTSON IN THE MOUTH UNTIL HE CAN NO LONGER SPEAK

He should not be allowed to walk on our planet.  Oh well, maybe if enough people pray hard enough, Pat could be swallowed by a sink hole and we would never have to hear him speak again.  That would be incredibly ironic.  But then again, what types of morons build houses where there could be a sinkhole.

Duh’Merica wake up, it’s almost too late.