Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

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Bacon Jerky = Duck Dynasty Irony

baconLeviticus 11:7-11:8“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he [is] unclean to you.  Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch, they [are] unclean to you.”

Oh shit, what to do now Duck Dynasty?  It’s ok to hate gay people due to Leviticus, but it’s ok to go against the bible and profit from the swine???

Oh, I get it.  Bacon, ribs and pulled-pork tastes good so that’s ok.  But gay people, that’s just some crazy shit you aren’t comfortable with so go ahead and use your bible to justify your hatred.

Hey Duh’Merica, wake the fuck up and realize you are being duped by this rich family of “reality” stars.  Their bank accounts swell under the guise of a god-loving family while they use the bible to support their bigotry.

And all the while, the hypocrisy flies over your head.

Keep praying and don’t think.  Rinse and repeat.

 

 

A Redneck Conversation

(I’m reposting this because rednecks crack me up)

Billy Bob: Hey Skeeter

Skeeter:  Whut??

Billy Bob: We gonna get some fried wolf knuckles for lunch?

Skeeter: Nah, how bouts some fried mayonnaise balls, dipped in some Ranch

Billy Bob:  Hells yeah

Skeeter: Fried mayo balls reminds me of that time I gave my love muscle to that girl with the fine turd cutter.

Billy Bob: You mean that chick down by the lake last summer??

Skeeter: No dumbass, that girl we met at the swap meet down by the dollar store, ‘member I traded her my Dale Jr. jacket for some shotgun shells??

Billy Bob: Oh yeah, I think so

Skeeter: Then we went out back behind the port-o-let and I fucked her mouth real hard.  ‘Member, you were taking pictures and tossing the mayo balls into my mouth while I partied all on her gums?

Billy Bob:  Oh shit!  I ‘member that, you were rocking her teeth like ACDC.  Wasn’t her name Claire?

Skeeter: Yep, Claire.  She had the softest cock gums and her ass was fine like a Dusty Rhodes elbow.

Billy Bob:  But isn’t Claire your sister??

Skeeter:  Shut the fuck up.

When I Become President

(I wrote this a while ago and it’s still relevant)

I surely can’t be the only person who feels that America is 100% lost right now and things are not getting better any time soon. American society has become desensitized to a buffet of crap culture that continues to eat us from the inside out.

For example; we have the Kardashians running around pretty much everywhere, making more money than doctors, scientists and teachers. (I can’t help but think that Bruce Jenner is hiding in the closet videotaping his step-daughters while they change, YouTube gold.)

Every time a celebrity passes gas, we have TMZ there with cameras blazing, ready to document the fart assent into the smog-filled Los Angeles air.

We have politicians fighting on how to solve our debt problem. My mistake, I thought China already owned the United States. I must have missed something.

We have Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj fighting daily over who looks more like a Muppet gone bad project. Continue reading

My Future World

When I was a child I enjoyed watching the Jetsons.  I always dreamed that there would be flying cars like on the show.

To my disappointment,  that hasn’t happened yet and I’m already in my future world.

Then after the Jetsons, I was a fan of the Back to the Future movies.  I’m still waiting for hovering skate boards to be invented.

To my disappointment, that hasn’t happened either and I’m still in my future world.

So, in the interest of reality, I have stopped dreaming of flying cars and hovering skateboards.  I’m tired of being disappointed about what’s not going to be in my future world.

Instead, I now choose to look at my next future world with more realistic expectations.  My childhood imagination has been replaced with a much less grandiose view of what may come my way.

I think our future world will be more like the movie Minority Report.  There will be adverts floating in the air in front of your eyes as you pass by places of business.  Continue reading

The Freedom to be Stupid

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein

I am an American and I would like to know what has happened to my country?

It’s wonderful to be free, but unfortunately, freedom often protects those who are complete fucking morons.

Here are some examples:

Case in point 1: Dumb-Ass North Carolina Rednecks

“Build a great big large fence 50 or 100 miles long. Put all the lesbians in there. Fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. Have that fence electrified so they can’t get out. You know what, in a few years, they’ll die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce,” said Charles Worley, pastor at Providence Road Baptist Church in Maiden, N.C.

Why won’t any reporter covering this story just say what should be said?

I want to hear someone on live television say, “Excuse me Pastor Worley, do you realize that you are a gigantic jack-ass and you are spitting in the face of evolution with your archaic beliefs and opinions?  Stop hiding behind your Bible, fucking your sisters, do the world a favor and slit your wrists immediately.” 

But sadly, no one has the balls to say that for fear of pissing someone off.  It’s ok to piss off assholes. Continue reading

Hey North Carolina,

So how does it feel to be in the spotlight because of a crazy, ass, white-trash preacher who thinks gays should be eliminated from the planet?

No worries, I get it, you have to follow your Bible that says homosexuality is an abomination and punishable by death.

I’m always impressed with people who hold a belief and remain steadfast in those beliefs.  Commitment is a wonderful, godly attribute.

But the hold the phone here, I just read a study that says North Carolina is 14th most obese state in the nation with 29.4% of its adults being considered obese.

OOOPS, it appears hypocrisy has reared its ugly head once again in the deep, deep south.

“He who keeps the law is a discerning son, but a companion of gluttons disgraces his father.” Proverbs 23:2 proclaims, “Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.”

Oh shit, you do realize that comes from the same Bible that condemns gay people, right? Continue reading