Red, White and Boo (a poem)

I see your Katie Perry

And I raise you Beyonce.

What ever happened to real art, like the Fat Boys?

Now, just splendid drivel cascading from the youthful mouth

Texting, sexting, pursed lips and Jersey Shore dreams.

Find China on a map? Fuck You, I’m getting my nails done at 3.

Be careful young ones, the noodles and puppy nuggets are coming to a store near you.

I see your E Hollywood News

And raise you Dancing With the Stars.

Posting every mundane bit of your daily shit for all to see

Facebook, Twitter, MySpace your freaking life away

My eyes, dried and burnt from your “Do you like me?” poll.

Keep your pom poms clean and your cell phone charged.

I see your De-evolution

And go all in with your soul

Shouldn’t be difficult to call my bet

You are another failed demographic, another vapid target market.


Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

kayne (don’t do it Zuckerberg)

(I feel like I need to re-post this in light of Kayne dropping another deuce….. I mean new album.  Hey Mark Zuckerberg, before you give this douche any money, see the below video.)

I have plenty of disdain for Kim Kardashian (Becoming Kim K) and almost as much for her husband Kayne.

Bill Hicks once said, “You do a commercial, you’re off the artistic roll call forever.  End of story.” 

Well, I’m pretty sure if Hicks was alive today and watched Kayne’s video “Bound 2” he would have included Kayne in this category without exception.  A matter of fact, if Hicks were alive to see this video, he probably would have spooned his eyeballs out of their sockets with plastic sporks.

Forget whatever you liked about Kayne before this video.  Forget everything.  He could have cured cancer the day before this video aired and it would not have mattered.  This video is 100% hot garbage.  When I first watched it, I thought it was a Saturday Night Live parody.

Then I realized that Kayne was actually trying to portray this as “artistic.”  Sorry Kayne, but the parody by Seth Rogen and Jame Franco is truly artistic.

Kayne had some talent, but then was derailed by Kim’s ass and titties and everything will go downhill from there.  Sure Kayne, you can call this video art.  And I can call it horribly shitty art.  I win.

I, Duh’Merica, am declaring you officially removed from the artistic roll call.  Nice try asshole.


Hashtagging My Life Away

hashtagWhile on twitter the other day I began to wonder what my life has become.

I’m a fairly large-sized man. I’m 5’11”, 235 pounds, work out a lot and I’m fairly intimidating looking.

My bald head and goatee generally give people the impression that I ride a Harley.

(in reality, I’m terrified of motorcycles and can barely drive a stick shift)

Well, fairly intimidating until I realized how often I “hashtag” things on twitter;  #gay #thebachelor #poetry #honeybooboo #housewivesofbeverlyhills, etc.

I actually had to look down below my belly button to make sure I still had my testicles.

They were there, but they do look much more wrinkled than usual and seem to be hanging lower than I remembered. #oldmanballs #uncomfortablegymshower

I wake up every day and think about how amazing technology is now as compared to when I was growing up. #soundinglikemyparents #discoveringemail

I mean shit, the world is sitting inside my laptop on a continuous loop.  All I have to do is open it and watch the daily parade of mind numbing headlines crawling into my brain. #lazyamerican

I used to laugh at my children with their incessant need for social media and here I am following suit. #instagraming #snapchatting #facebooking #tumbling

I now wonder what my life will be 10 years from now.  I can only fucking imagine. #jetsons #flyingcars #cloningmyself

Hello, my name is Duh’Merican and I have a problem- I’m HASHTAGGING MY LIFE AWAY.  Please help.

Rednecks Don’t Need Spell Check

(I’m not sure why, but this post gets the most views of anything I’ve written.  Apparently, rednecks are polarizing.)

“No one has anythang agenst rednecks” Chris from Independence High


(I used to run a website where I made fun of people who posted stupid shit on Facebook.  This was one of my posts about rednecks.)

One group of people who always help me feel intelligent is “Rednecks.”

I absolutely love the fact that they jack off on their bibles, wear camouflage, hate all non-white people, hate northerners for no reason, use the word nigger, hate gay people, fuck their sisters/cousins/aunts/uncles, go mudding, hunt anything with a pulse and bitch and complain all the time about Hispanics taking their jobs.

Rednecks are the best.  Society always needs a continuous stream of racist, sister fuckers with non-chlorinated gene pools to keep the white race alive.  Sometimes, I am so proud to be white (sarcasm).

Please do not get confused between “Rednecks” and “Country People”.   There are actually many good country folk out there and those are not the people I am speaking about here.

But, for the love of God, Allah, Buddha and Krishna, WHY CAN’T REDNECKS USE SPELL CHECK???  I just do not get it.  The following posts are from Redneck Groups on Facebook.  Just read and enjoy.   And remember, this is real; I could not make this shit up. Continue reading

The Whore Gimmick

I’ve been going through my computer and found something I wrote back when Tiger Woods and Jesse James were fucking every woman on the planet.  I’m posting it because it applies nicely to our current society, just insert any celebrity name and the shoe fits.

I noticed that there are tons of groups on Facebook dedicated to calling Jesse James a dick and bashing Tiger Woods.

Thanks to Tiger and Jesse, we now have a new epidemic sweeping the land that I like to call The Whore Gimmick.”  What is it you ask?  Simple, I will explain.

Not only is America the home of the free land of the brave, but it’s also now the home of where any whore can use her tits and pussy to make a quick buck.

Not that being a whore is some new concept, it’s just finally popular and socially acceptable now.   Thank you TMZ, thank you Entertainment Tonight, thanks to every popular web-blog out there who gives these sluts an avenue for making money.

Personally, if I were Tiger or Jesse, I would sue the whores I fucked who are now making money off their dicks for half of the proceeds they make from going public. Continue reading

Tired Facebook Posts (explaining the obvious)

I have a personal Facebook account to communicate with my friends and families, a world I like to keep separate from my blogging world.

Maybe I’m the only one who notices this, but damn there are some idiotic posts that spread around asking for you to “Like” them.

For example: 

*Cancer is a bad and terrible disease (with a picture of a small child taking chemo).  Click “like” if you like this.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Of course cancer sucks and who in the world wouldn’t agree with that?

*Beating a woman is bad (picture of a young woman with a morbidly black, swollen eye).  Click “like” if you like this.  I’m scared on this one.  If I click “like”, does that mean I like that abusing women is bad or that I like her black eye?  Slippery slope there.

*The Sun is hot.  Click “like” if you like this.

*Priests ass-raping little boys is terrible.  Click “like” if you like this.  Another slippery slope here.  Erase your internet history before liking that one.

Will you eat at Chick Fil A now that the owner has publicly stated that he supports the Bible’s definition of marriage?  If you support that, then you are just a dumb ass.  Hey Bible thumpers, shouldn’t you be refraining from eating fast food?  Wouldn’t want you to become gluttonous.

Hey Facebook idiots, how about let’s stop trying to explain the obvious and start using some common sense.  For the sake of all humanity.