When I Become President

(I wrote this a while ago and it’s still relevant)

I surely can’t be the only person who feels that America is 100% lost right now and things are not getting better any time soon. American society has become desensitized to a buffet of crap culture that continues to eat us from the inside out.

For example; we have the Kardashians running around pretty much everywhere, making more money than doctors, scientists and teachers. (I can’t help but think that Bruce Jenner is hiding in the closet videotaping his step-daughters while they change, YouTube gold.)

Every time a celebrity passes gas, we have TMZ there with cameras blazing, ready to document the fart assent into the smog-filled Los Angeles air.

We have politicians fighting on how to solve our debt problem. My mistake, I thought China already owned the United States. I must have missed something.

We have Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj fighting daily over who looks more like a Muppet gone bad project. Continue reading

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Dear Republican Party

Dear Republican Party,

Well, another election has passed with the exact same losing result.

You have officially become that little white trash kid with the annoying rat-tail.  You cut the rat-tail off, but it grows back every four years with the same tired agenda.

Those opposable thumbs you keep staring at are a true sign of the evolution that you can’t seem to embrace.

I know, I know, evolution isn’t real and that guy with the white beard created us in his own image.

So, I guess that means your god is a fat, white, pasty dude who continues to spit in the face of women, minorities and gay people.

I know, I know, homosexuality is a sin according to the book of Leviticus.   Continue reading

Why the Election Doesn’t Matter (Dear Mouthbreathers)

(The election doesn’t really matter because the mouthbreathers have already won)

Dear Mouthbreathers,

Thanks so much for voting on election day, the rest of us who read books truly appreciate it. (sarcasm)  I do worry though that you may be confused with the ballot. 

After all, it’s a bit more difficult to understand than the Waffle House picture menus you are used to.  Remember, you can’t vote for “covered” or “smothered”, because the major candidates are already consumed with both and you don’t have to choose.

Mouthbreathers for Obama: Thanks for casting your vote solely because his skin is a somewhat darker than the white candidate.  You do realize that he’s a half-white, correct?

You do realize that Obama is Harvard educated and has never even attempted to walk in your ghetto scarred shoes, correct?  You do realize that he’s about as close to ghetto as you are as close to knowing where Harvard is, correct?

Thanks again for casting your vote because you thought he was going to pay your gas bill.

Mouthbreathers for Romney: Wow, you dumb-ass, bible thumping crackers make me want to peel my pale skin from my bones and throw out all my Mountain Dew.

NEWSFLASH- He’s a fucking Mormon.  That’s right, magical-fucking-underwear.  Wow, well done religious right.  Continue reading

President Obama Should……..

Obama should hold a press conference and declare to the world that he is HALF-WHITE!!!! That’s right, declare to the world that he is half-white.

After all, things aren’t looking to great right now for him in regards to the upcoming election.

  • His health care plan = JOKE
  • Unemployment = TERRIBLE
  • National Debt = ASTRONOMICAL
  • Approval rating = DISMAL

BLOOD IN THE WATER: Obama has been dripping blood into the water for months now and the Republicans are circling like starving sharks, like a pack of famished wolves. The only thing really helping Obama right now is that the Republicans continue to throw out a stack of idiotic, snake oil salesmen to run against him. Continue reading