Your Dog and My Kids

dog“My dog is smarter than your honor student.”  I’m sure most of you have seen this bumper sticker; of course the type of dog is usually identified.

I’ve raised dogs before and I am currently raising four children.  I can say, without a fucking doubt, that my honor students are smarter than whatever dog you have.

And here’s how I can prove it:

  • Your dog licks its own ass and genitalia on a regular basis and doesn’t brush its teeth.  So, in essence, your dog has ass-crotch breath.
  • Your dog sniffs crotches, a lot
  • Your dog can’t eat without you, my kids can use a microwave and an oven
  • Your dog pisses the floor when it hears thunder, my kids understand that thunder is just a noise
  • You have to cut your dog’s toenails……………enough said

I love dogs as much as the next person, but please relax with the bumper stickers.

Your dog will never be smarter than my honor students.  As a matter of fact, your dog will never be smarter than the below average booger eaters.

Cheers.

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Mad, Dumb-Ass Pit Bull Defender (Hilarious)

Well, a while ago, I wrote a post about Pit Bulls and how I get tired of hearing people defending them.  Pit Bulls, White Trash & Ghetto Fabulous A-Holes

I thought it may get some negative feedback and below are the comments from a Pit Bull lover and my replies:

June: “Your so fucking stupid! Go look up what breeds of dogs have the most attacks per year! I have 3 pit bulls and a 3 yr old and 3 month old baby! U make me sick! I trust my pit bulls! Can’t trust my blue heeler with my children or other animals at all.. now answer this TRUTHFULLY! HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET A PIT BULL?! HAVE YOU BEEN ATTACKED? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BITTEN BY A DOG?! AND WHAT FUCKING BREED WAS IT?!” Continue reading

Pit Bulls, White Trash & Ghetto Fabulous A-holes

(I’m reposting this because it was one of my most popular posts)

I have always loved animals, especially dogs.  I grew up with pet boxers and love them to this day.  Currently, I don’t have any pets because of allergies and laziness; I like to be able to leave my home without worrying about taking care of animals.

I grow increasingly tired of listening to people trying to defend why Pit Bulls are gentle and non-dangerous.  Here are my thoughts:

  • Pit Bulls were originally bred as “catch-dogs” to hunt down wild cattle and wild hogs
  • Their jaws are ridiculously strong
  • Ghetto fabulous assholes have used Pit Bulls as fighting dogs to make money for years (insert Michael Vick jokes here)
  • Drug dealers, of all races, use Pit Bulls to protect their stash houses
  • Rednecks use Pit Bulls to hunt hogs and to make themselves feel tougher
  • White Trash use Pit Bulls to protect their trailers and to accompany their exotic snake collections
  • Men with small dicks have Pit Bulls because they can’t afford Corvettes

You know, Pit Bulls are beautiful dogs, but they will always be incredibly dangerous.  Even if one is raised correctly, they can still be deadly.

There is a reason why you don’t hear about Golden Retrievers mutilating humans; they just don’t have the temperament or jaw strength that a Pit Bull has.

Hey White Trash, thanks for having a Pit Bull near your little daughter, well done asshole. Poor kid.

Here’s the huge difference: if a Retriever bites you it will probably draw some blood and you may need a Band-Aid.  If a Pit Bull bites you, depending upon your age and size, you will need stitches and you may die.

So, as long as America has Dumb Rednecks, Ghetto Fabulous Assholes, White Trash and men with small dicks; Pit Bulls will always be dangerous.

DUH’America

Do not be upset.  Do not shed a tear.  Do not throw your arms to the sky to ask why.  Do not blame the politicians.  Do not blame those around you.

Blame yourself.  Why?  Because it all starts with you.

You may wake up one day to find that China has won. Then our street vendors will be serving fried golden retriever nuggets and we will be getting to work via rickshaws, do not piss your pants.  We deserve it. Continue reading