Plastic Parade (a poem)

duck-face-mom-yearA-typical Rolex submariner sits on the dad’s wrist like a beacon of arrival,
his too-tight Ed Hardy tee sticks to his cross fit chest like an extra layer of skin.
those hours in the gym, the broccoli, the grilled chicken, the spinach salads……
Eyes scanning the crowd looking for that 25 year-old who hasn’t yet sunk the botox into her forehead

Wifey to his left, flipping her platinum dyed hair again and again and again
She, looking for someone to make fun of, looking for someone to help her feel better about her collagen duck-faced lips,

her third tit job, her fourth anal bleaching, her fifth affair with a new trainer,Tattoo reads “MILF” along the panty line that only a select 50 or so willing erections get to see.

She, peering at the younger women while licking her lips with the misguided confidence of an American Idol contestant

Continue reading

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Douche Bag Gym

(I used to work out in a local gym and that is where the inspiration came from for this post.)

Hey 20 year-old bench press guy… thanks so much for grunting so loud that everyone in the place thought you were passing several golf ball sized kidney stones.

We were all wondering if you would get that last rep.  And by the way, when you are laying on the bench, make sure you put your dick to the side instead of it standing straight up like a mini-sprinkler.  Unless of course that’s your best pick up move.

Hey “I’m a Cougar Hear Me Roar” Mom… doing lunges across the middle of the gym.

I know, your husband is most likely fucking his much younger, much hotter than you secretary and it’s time for you tone up that ass.

And what’s the deal with the fully done “it must be ladies night” makeup and perfume you are wearing.  Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Lame

Well, DUH’America did it again.  Brevard County in Melbourne, Fl banned the ridiculously popular Shades of Grey book from its libraries.

Yep, that’s right, apparently Brevard County is waging a war against all the pathetic, attention lacking, pre-menopausal, middle-aged women in their county.  How can any county government wage a public war against women like this?

I feel absolutely terrible that these poor, desperately in need of self-esteem women can’t check out a book that helps them diddle themselves. Continue reading

So Tired of Cougars

I apologize in advance if the following post makes me sound like I’m full of vitriol, hate and confusion about a certain female subculture; but that’s just how I feel:

Forgive me if this is redundant, but I’m damn sick of cougars.  Once or twice a month, the downtown area where I live has a public get together with street vendors, food, bands and other festival like shit.  It attracts a good sized crowd and I truly wanted to beat the hell out of about 99.9% of the people there.

Of all the annoying people, I have to say I was ready and willing to kill all the cougar moms and here’s why:

  • Ugh boots– I live in Florida, totally un-fucking-necessary, we turn our heat on maybe twice a year
  • Fake Tits– come on, isn’t silicon played out by now?  Can’t wait until you are 55, but your tits are 20, AWESOME
  • Too Tight Jeans– stop wearing your 14 year-old daughters jeans for christ sakes, enough already
  • Big Sunglasses– really? Jackie O is dead and her glasses died with her
  • The term “cougar– it’s not cute, or fancy, it really means you are a whore who is tired of her husband fucking his secretaries
  • Your Douche Bag Husbands– holy shit, easy with the diamond studded jeans, Ed Hardy shirts and Rolex watches, you are just breeders to them, put on the earth to raise their sons to become high school quarterbacks
  • Your wine drinking-stop being pussies and drink some liquor, it masks the insecurities better anyway
  • Your Soul– never mind, you don’t have one

Cougars, soccer moms, whatever you want to call them, need to be stopped.  They are destroying our ozone one pair of bad sunglasses at a time.  If women of any age consider themselves a cougar, they might as well just run around with a sign that says, “Fuck Me Please, It Will Make Me Feel Good About Myself.”

Am I the only one who feels this way?

One Million “Stupid” Moms Protesting Gay Comic Book Hero

Just when I thought I had heard it all, I came across this story about moms protesting Marvel and DC Comics because they are going to announce that one of their superheroes is gay.

By the way, this is the same group who tried to protest JC Penny because of hiring Ellen as their spokesperson.  Ellen is probably one of the most generous people on the planet and she happens to be a lesbian, who fucking cares.

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE HERE

Last time I checked, comic books weren’t real.  I repeat, COMIC BOOK HEROES ARE NOT REAL.

This quote from the protesting Mom group says it all:

“Children desire to be just like superheroes. Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. Can you imagine little boys saying, “I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?”

This is ridiculous! Why do adult gay men need comic superheroes as role models? They don’t but do want to indoctrinate impressionable young minds by placing these gay characters on pedestals in a positive light. These companies are heavily influencing our youth by using children’s superheroes to desensitize and brainwash them in thinking that a gay lifestyle choice is normal and desirable. As Christians, we know that homosexuality is a sin (Romans 1:26-27).

Unfortunately, children are now being exposed to homosexuality at an early age. Comic books would be one of the last places a parent would expect their child to be confronted with homosexual topics that are too complicated for them to understand. Children do not know what straight, homosexual, or coming out of the closet even means, but DC Comics and Marvel are using superheroes to confuse them on this topic to raise questions and awareness of an alternative lifestyle choice.” Continue reading

So Hard to Be RICH

I travel to the Miami area quite a bit for work and I’m always amazed at some of the things I see.  The wealth in the Miami area is astounding and trust me, there is no recession over there.

I was at the Aventura Mall and some things I observed inspired this post.

This wasn’t your average mall.  This was a mall where half the parking lot was reserved for valet and I’ve never seen so many $100K vehicles in one small area.
It was truly mind blowing.  There were Bentleys, Rolls, Masserattis that made Mercedes look like a Yugo.

And There She Stood: I was walking into the mall when I saw her standing waiting on the valet attendant.  She was the A-Typical, rich Miami bitch.

From the top to the bottom:

*Platinum bleached blonde hair that looks like it will crack like peanut brittle if touched, every inch of her face over-sculpted with plastic surgery to the point that she may swallow her head with the next attempt at a smile,

*Fake DD tits that are at least 20 years older than the A cups she used to have,

*Louis Vitton bag the size of a midget hanging from her arm,

So, So Hard: It’s amazing how hard it is to be rich.  So much surgery, so much money wasted on designer clothes, so much attention paid to making sure everyone else knows you have money, so much effort to be just like everyone else.

Of course, there are plenty of rich people in the world who don’t act like this, but they don’t intrigue me like the “plastic monsters” who trip over their spiked heels on their way to the salon.

Wake up America, your greed is disgusting and only makes look like little piggies.