Politicians (dropping your cell phone in the toilet)

phone

(I originally wrote this before the election, still seems relevant and accurate)

As I watch the current politicians all jockeying to fuck Duh’Merica in the ass with no lube, I can’t help but think of something disgusting to compare them to.

They all remind me of a different version of dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

Trump- The phone sinks all the way to the bottom, bouncing off the floater turds, crashing through the loose stool, breaking the bowl because he knows he can buy a new one.

HillaryClintonHillary– The phone does two circles around the bowl; you try to grab it and miss, it circles the bowl again and you still can’t grab it.  Then you realize the phone is actually in a second, private toilet in another room with it’s own private, non-government sanctioned bathroom.

Bernie– The phone yells back at you from under the excrement and it makes you feel horrible for even owning a cell phone.  You fish it out, cut it into several pieces and mail the pieces to those who can’t afford their own cell phone.

Cruz- the phone drops right into the middle of your shit and turns around until all sides are covered.  You fish it out, wash it off judiciously, but it never quite comes clean and leaves a horribly smelly film for the rest of eternity.

Carson- right after it drops into the bowl, you pray as hard as you can and it miraculously jumps out of the toilet, hits you in the forehead and forces you to finally “see the light.”

Rubio- it never actually sinks, just floats around like a raft, dodging the turds like his ancestors dodging sharks in the Florida Straits on their way to America.  (yeah, I know that’s pretty bad)

Million Hipster March-a new Trump protest

After Jude’s terrible week dealing with being berated by President Trump, Clemmy finally reached out to him. She texted- “Jude, I think I have all of our problems solved, sending u an email now, dearest Clemmy.” Jude finally had a light at the end of the tunnel. He opened the email on his phone immediately: […]

via Million Hipster March (screw Trump) — HipsterStories

Trump replies to a hipster

Dear Hipster Schmuck, Believe it or not, I did read your letter. Well, I had someone read it to me. And I have a few things to tell you. Thanks for not voting for me. I didn’t need your sorry, smelly Hipster vote. You are exactly what’s wrong with this country. You are a perfect […]

via Trump replies to a hipster — HipsterStories

A hipster’s letter to Kayne

(Jude writes a mini-column and submits it to his editor at the Hip Page) Dear Kayne, You have really done it now Kayne. When you “fake” interrupted Beck’s acceptance speech at the Grammy’s, you did something that you probably didn’t realize. You stepped, I mean, hurdled over the Hipster Line. Beck has been a stalwart […]

via Jude’s letter to Kayne — HipsterStories

Why American Sniper didn’t win

Dear Hip Pages, (in response to Why American Sniper Didn’t Win) I was recently saddened to see that you have let a hipster infiltrate your movie review department. I thought a news organization was supposed to present both sides of a story?? How can you let a smelly, bearded, never bathing Hipster comment on movies […]

via Billy Emo Strikes Again — HipsterStories

a real Hipster love story….

hipster-tash_3046941bIf you want a break from the idiocy that is Duh’Merica, go visit my other blog.  It’s a terrific Hipster love story.

It’s the story of Jude the Hipster, his love Clemmy and his arch nemesis Billy Fucking Emo.

Hipster love is stinky, vintage, ironic and absolutely fucking hilarious.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, it’s probably going to be picked up by Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Prime very soon.  (Author’s note: yes, the above statement is extraordinary wishful thinking, but hey, it could happen.)

Here are a couple of my favorite bits, I promise you will laugh:

Face in the Pillows- Hipster Sex

Jude the Hipster’s Letter to Kayne

The Swim Off- Jude battles Billy Emo

 

Ben Carson- WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

carson

Come on Trump, are you fucking kidding me? This appointment is baffling to me.

Please help me understand how a retired Neurosurgeon is qualified to run the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Shot in the dark here, I’m going to attempt to get inside the brain of Trump:

“Well, Benny boy is incredibly smart (he’s BLACK), he’s super accomplished (he’s BLACK), and he cares about community (he’s BLACK and probably either knows or is related to a lot of black people in the ghetto.)  He will absolutely do a wonderful job.” From inside the mind of our President-Elect

Good lord, we have four years of this shit?  I thought China had already beaten us, but now I know that they have lapped us twice.  Thanks a lot Duh’Merica, I guess we will be eating Golden Retriever and low mien sooner than I expected.