(I originally wrote this before the election, still seems relevant and accurate)
As I watch the current politicians all jockeying to fuck Duh’Merica in the ass with no lube, I can’t help but think of something disgusting to compare them to.
They all remind me of a different version of dropping my cell phone in the toilet.
Trump- The phone sinks all the way to the bottom, bouncing off the floater turds, crashing through the loose stool, breaking the bowl because he knows he can buy a new one.
Hillary– The phone does two circles around the bowl; you try to grab it and miss, it circles the bowl again and you still can’t grab it. Then you realize the phone is actually in a second, private toilet in another room with it’s own private, non-government sanctioned bathroom.
Bernie– The phone yells back at you from under the excrement and it makes you feel horrible for even owning a cell phone. You fish it out, cut it into several pieces and mail the pieces to those who can’t afford their own cell phone.
Cruz- the phone drops right into the middle of your shit and turns around until all sides are covered. You fish it out, wash it off judiciously, but it never quite comes clean and leaves a horribly smelly film for the rest of eternity.
Carson- right after it drops into the bowl, you pray as hard as you can and it miraculously jumps out of the toilet, hits you in the forehead and forces you to finally “see the light.”
Rubio- it never actually sinks, just floats around like a raft, dodging the turds like his ancestors dodging sharks in the Florida Straits on their way to America. (yeah, I know that’s pretty bad)