all cats are probably gay

catprancing down the street, with a constant look of “I’m better than you bitch.”                              

laying on the grass in the front yard, deliberately flipping their tails back and forth inviting you to pet their stomach,                                      

then as you oblige, they scratch you like a mad queen who was just told he was “chunky”                           

they flutter past you, deliberately brushing your leg for attention with their tail high in the air exposing their asshole, an asshole that looks like a banana that’s been split in half                   

I’ve yet to see a cat who appeared masculine in any way, nor have I ever heard a cat meow in a deep voice like the Allstate guy                                                                    (I’m fairly certain that All Cats (Domestic) Are Probably Gay)

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Brilliance in Journalism

I was working in Miami the other day and while getting dressed in my hotel, I turned on the Today Show.

I know, I should have spanked myself heartily and immediately gone to the library, but I truly wanted to see a train wreck and some blood and guts.

Thankfully, the Today Show delivered with its normal lack of journalistic integrity.  The lead stories were about a 39 pound cat and Rosie O’Donnell.

Notice, I didn’t say that Rosie tried to eat the cat, (how punnirific, and yes I just coined that word) just that they were both lead stories.

So the obese cat segment was truly riveting.  Today Show anchor Ann Curry, asked the woman holding the cat a very pointed question: I’m paraphrasing here, “So how in the world does a cat get that big.”

Wow, heads up Pulitzer Prize committee, I think we have a finalist.  The woman answered that the cat was fed too much and fed unhealthy food.

Hey America, don’t be shocked when China and their Rickshaw Express takes over.  While Americans are morbidly fascinated with an obese cat, the Chinese would deep-fry the same cat and feed half their population.

HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT.

Sadly, I pictured the cat as an accurate symbol of the average American and Ann Curry as just another grossly overpaid media figure who placates her bosses so that she can drive multiple Mercedes.

That’s all for now.