Smokin’ Sea Cows (the other white meat)

Ever eaten a Manatee??? Bradentucky Man has.

BRADENTUCKY MAN

Snooty, aquarium 2004My daddy always said, “Hey boy, anything tastes good if you smoke it long enough.”  Damn, my daddy was smart.

Like most red-blooded Americans, I love me some barbecue.  Ribs, chicken, pulled pork………… delicious.

But I ain’t the average guy.  I’m BradentuckyMan and I’m resourceful.  I been fishin’ the waters around Bradentucky since before I could walk.  I always notice the Manatees are everywhere.

If you don’t know what a Manatee is, google “sea cow.”
They kind a look like some type a weird dinosaur.  They eat a lot of vegetation and fart a lot.

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Dog the Bounty Hunter in Bradentucky

Sweet Mullet and Boob sandwich

BRADENTUCKY MAN

dogHOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT…………………. this is going to be huge. Dog the Bounty Hunter is again coming to Bradentucky.

Dog and his oddly gigantic breasted wife Beth will be speaking at the Source church in east Bradenton.

Can I get a big “HELL YEAH” from the congregation?????  These two are the perfect couple to bring their road preachin’ to Bradentucky.

I mean shit, they look like they could be lifelong Oneco residents.  Dog’s mullet, his wife-beater shirts and all that damn leather, perfect.  And Beth can seriously rock those dream catcher earrings.

They would fit in like redneck camouflage on Coquina Beach.  Don’t even try to tell me you can’t see Dog rockin’ a cut-off jean short bathing suit. 

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Bradentucky Seafood Festival; the land of white trash

“Deprived of meaningful work, men and women lose their reason for existence; they go stark, raving mad.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

A man wearing only one flip flop, sits slumped over on a bench resting the side of his head on a oak tree about 20 feet from the main stage.  He is wearing a black shirt with a red confederate flag on the front that says, “You’ve got your X, we’ve got ours.”

There are other men in only slightly better condition standing behind him drinking Budweiser from cans and  smoking pot from a one-hitter that slides into a belt buckle.  Behind them, a normal looking mom and dad with three young sons eat fried foods on extra-large toothpicks.

The weather is beautiful.  It’s about 80 degrees, sunny with no clouds and very little humidity.  The kind of weather that keeps the tourists around until the snow melts in their northern hometowns.  The kind of weather that keeps the tourists clogging my streets while I try not to succumb to massive road rage.

“If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me,” is the Lynyrd Skynrd song being played by the band.  About 25 to 30 people attempt to dance to the country anthem, but really just sway back and forth spilling beer on their feet without a care.  A rough, biker looking couple wades through the crowd with a pet python wrapped around both of their necks.  Little children run up to pet it, while others run away and grab their mother’s legs. Continue reading