What America is Reading (we are fucked)

COMBINED PRINT & E-BOOK FICTION   http://www.nytimes.com/best-sellers-books/overview.html

  1. A MEMORY OF LIGHT, by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson
  2. HOPELESS, by Colleen Hoover
  3. GONE GIRL, by Gillian Flynn
  4. SAFE HAVEN, by Nicholas Sparks
  5. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, by E. L. James

I often have very little hope for current humanity, so I decided to check out the New York Times best sellers list to see what Americans are reading.  I chose Combined Print & E-Book Fiction because I thought that would give me a solid understanding of what Americans are reading.

The only intriguing element about this book list is the very real prospect of Nicholas Sparks and E.L. James doing a porno together.  I can’t be the only person who wants to see Nick shove his “notebook” deep inside E.L.’s nether regions.

Take a good look at that list above.  Yep, America is FUCKED.  Don’t get mad when China takes over and we are all eating deep-fried Golden Retriever nuggets and our taxis have been replaced with rickshaws.

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Fifty Shades of…….I Gave Up

Look, for my wife, I was trying to read Fifty Shades of Grey.  I couldn’t get past page 50.  She implored me to at least make it to the sex parts, but I just couldn’t do it.

I’m a man, I get off on actually seeing the tits and pussy, not imagining it.

I only used my imagination when I first hit puberty and the Sears catalog was all I had at my disposal to jerk off to.  Thankfully, those days are long gone.

I honestly tried, but within those first 50 pages, I think there were at least 30 references to Grey’s “long index finger.”

So, I’m guessing he either has a gigantic dong or the author is playing some sadistic trick.  Either way, I couldn’t stick around to find out.

For me it was boring and smelled suspiciously of a Lifetime Channel movie of the week.

To my wife; I still love you, but I just couldn’t do it.

To all the other women out there like my wife who enjoy the book; have fun with that.  I too can’t wait until some movie producer hijacks the Twilight cast to act out this steamy, fuck-fest for everyone to see on the big screen.  Now that I will watch.

Anyway, I just started reading God’s Lunatics by Michael Largo and it appears to be fascinating.

Just my two cents for the day.

cheers

Fifty Shades of Lame

Well, DUH’America did it again.  Brevard County in Melbourne, Fl banned the ridiculously popular Shades of Grey book from its libraries.

Yep, that’s right, apparently Brevard County is waging a war against all the pathetic, attention lacking, pre-menopausal, middle-aged women in their county.  How can any county government wage a public war against women like this?

I feel absolutely terrible that these poor, desperately in need of self-esteem women can’t check out a book that helps them diddle themselves. Continue reading

Don’t You Hate it When…….

I don’t remember much from elementary school, but I remember my school’s librarian Mr. Watts.  His name even smells of old books.

I liked him and once a week he would gather each class together and let us tell stories by starting with the phrase, “Don’t you hate it when……”  I still think about that to this day, which brings me to some thoughts:

Don’t you hate it when… you turn on the television and a Kardashian is trying to speak, but the words all come out like mindless drivel??

Don’t you hate it when… people use the phrase “In this economy.”??? Suck it up America, despite all our perceived financial ills; most of the people living outside of our country have truly bad lives.  We are fucking spoiled.

Don’t you hate it when… that douche bag at the bar wearing the too-tight Ed Hardy shirt keeps playing Lynryd Skynrd on the jukebox???

Don’t you hate it when… Rush Limbaugh opens his mouth and no one close to him has an over-sized dick to shove in it??? Continue reading

Self-Interview with The Sandy Tongue

Self-Interview with The Sandy Tongue

(I’ve always wanted to be interviewed by some important publication like Vanity Fair or Playboy, but I fear it may never happen.  So, I figured I would interview myself.  I will be conducting the interview of myself as if I had written an acclaimed novel that later became a blockbuster movie, kind of like The Notebook.)

Interviewer Notes: Scheduling a meeting with The Sandy Tongue was indeed a difficult task, but finally, he agreed to meet me at Vol De Nuit in Soho.

It’s a Belgian beer bar, dimly light and mysterious, much like the Tongue.  He was wearing a non-ironic shirt, non-ironic pants and smelled of a normal scent.  He was drinking a Chimay White.

Interviewer: So, unless under a rock, everyone knows that you have become a tremendous success.  To what do you tribute this success?

Tongue: I’m confused when you say, “have become a tremendous success.”  I’ve always been successful, but now people just notice me more because they see my name on the cover of a book and scrolling across the bottom of a movie screen.

Interviewer: Well, that’s not exactly what I expected you to say. Continue reading

I Approve this Message

“When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.” Anais Nin

(So tired of the political adverts already, so nauseating)

I’m the Sandy Tongue and I approve this message…

Hey Duh’America, guess what???  Romney and Obama don’t represent you and you are kidding yourselves if you think otherwise.

Well, maybe they do represent you if you went to Harvard, never worked a real job and can’t figure out what color you are.  And maybe they do represent you if you have never had to drive your own car or never had to clean your own house.

Hey Duh’America, don’t you get it by now???  All politicians are full of shit and really only care about lining their own pockets with money.

Go ahead, continue thinking that one party is better than the other, that one party is to blame for all societal ills, continue thinking that way.

Continue listening to Fox News, continue “keeping” up with the Kardashians, continue to wonder with bachelor gets the last rose.

Continue believing in a God that is so ridiculous to believe in and bowing to fairytale religions.

Continue sleepwalking through your life like the mindless sheep you have become.

America is the biggest marketing experiment on the planet and the experiment has failed miserably.  The only problem is that the majority of Americans don’t realize it.

Why is that?  Because it’s too easy sit on the couch, watch “reality” television and try to keep up with your neighbors.

Hey Duh’America, put down the remote and read a book once in a while.  But not Fifty Shades of Lame, try a book that actually teaches you something.

I’m the Sandy Tongue, and I approve this message.

Flush it all Away

“Something kinda sad about the way that things have come to be. Desensitized to everything.  What became of subtlety?” Stinkfist by Tool

It always cracks me up that a song about “fisting” is so widely played on the radio. HA

But seriously, when I turn on the television, listen to the news or read a newspaper it just seems like the same old shit.  Someone raped, someone robbed, some politician stealing money, some fuckstick suing someone for serving them hot coffee that burned them.

(this is the picture that came up when I searched the term “fuckstick” on Google images)

But the sad part is that I have become desensitized to all this nonsense.  None of this shit affects me anymore.  All the bullshit has become status quo.  When I hear a story about some guy raping a 12 year-old while making the mother watch, I think to myself, “yep, sounds normal to me.”  Just another day in America. Continue reading