HEY TOURIST!!!!

(I’ve lived on the West coast of Florida nearly my whole life and I’ve dealt with tourists for most of that time; thus, the inspiration.)

Hey Tourist– Thanks for spending your money in my state and for helping our economy.  Without you, things would be very different here.  But, there are few things that you need some help with.

Hey Tourist (Beaches)- Yes, the beach is beautiful, now pay attention.  Those white/greyish birds flying around trying to steal your snacks are called Sea Gulls.  They are disgusting, they are mean and they are filthy.

In the mornings they spend their time at the local landfills picking through our waste.  Then by early afternoon, they fly to the beach hoping your dumb, tourist ass will feed them.  Remember that when you throw chips to them.  Hope you had a tetanus shot recently.

Sunscreen– Please go to a CVS or Walgreens and buy plenty of sunscreen.  The sun at the beach is very, very hot and your pasty, Northern skin will absolutely sizzle without it.  Continue reading

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Random Product Endorsement- GLIDE

I’ve always dreamed of a cool company wanting me to endorse their product.  Well, I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, so I will endorse one for them.

I live in Florida, it’s hot all the time, I have Scotch-Irish skin and I chafe.  That’s right, I’m not afraid to admit it.  Hello, my name is Duh’Merica and my inner thighs around my ball-sac chafes.

So, after years of keeping Gold Bond in business, a good friend of mine introduced me to Body Glide. (By the way, their website fucking rocks)

It was like Moses parting the Red Sea, like unicorns fucking in the summer sky, like a mountain of free Philly cheese-steaks, etc.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that product is incredible.  It’s essentially a deodorant stick and so easy to “glide” on.

Every morning I take a shower, dry off and then glide my ball sac and the areas around it.

I can do my 45 minute cardio without any chafing.  I can go to the beach and no unwanted “sandy” rashes.  I can have hot, sweaty sex with my wife without the fear of having to reach down between my legs to itch and remove my balls from the side of my legs.

I still use Gold Bond, but only as a complimentary powder for those extra sweaty days.

So, hey people who work for Body Glide, call me sometime and send me a free case.

There are tons of men in the world who go through life not realizing that their chafing problems could be so easily cured.

HEY OLD MAN!!!!!!

(This is inspired by living in Florida almost my whole life and dealing with annoying old people)

HEY OLD MAN……..Please for the love of Krishna, stay in bed long enough for me to get to work before you hit the streets in your 35 foot Cadillac and swerve your way to IHOP.  YOU ARE RETIRED and IHOP is open 24 hours a day.  That means you don’t need to drive the streets while the rest of the coherent drivers under the age of 80 are trying to bring home some bacon.

HEY OLD MAN……..Please don’t think that it’s normal for you to continually fart as you walk through the Wal-Mart aisles looking for Sensodyne.  Just because you can’t hear anything doesn’t mean that the rest of us aren’t inhaling the fumes of the dead cat that crawled up your ass while you were pulling weeds in your garden. Continue reading

The Happy, Feel-Good Post

Throughout my blogging life, I have been accused on multiple occasions of being negative and hateful.  I prefer to think of myself as “realistic” and many of the realities I write about are negative.

Sure, I choose to focus on things that aren’t always pleasant, but that’s real fucking life to me.  I think a major problem plaguing our society is people’s inability to see what is actually real.

I think too many people turn their cheeks on the uncomfortable aspects of life in order to pursue an unrealistic Lifetime Movie life.

Anyway, I digress.

Here are some things make me happy: