Church Signs & Oral Sex

“They stand best, who kneel most.” 

 

stupid-church-signI saw this on a sign in front of a church the other day while traveling for work.

I’m guessing that this particular church was going for a quote about praying, hence the kneeling reference. 

But, my immediate thoughts revolved around oral sex and more specifically, blowjobs.

If the quote is indeed to be homage to people who pray, I’m having trouble grasping the logic behind it.  So, the more someone kneels on the ground praying, the better they stand? 

I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think frequent kneeling is conducive to good posture.  So by my logic, those who kneel too much will probably not be able to stand very well at all.

I’m very afraid that “Frequent Kneelers” may end up with horribly bad posture and terrible back problems.  How could a church promote such actions that would be a detriment to the health of their worshipers? Continue reading

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People ‘Round Here

religious-fanaticI recently commented on a blog post about god’s will and received a very pointed reply comment from a believer.

You can visit the blog post here if you would like: Not So Polite Dinner Conversation-A Christian commenter comes slinking back, and a question; why believe one and not the others?    

I enjoyed the post whether it was a true story or an invented one.  I like how it was presented and the discussion it created.  I had to stop commenting because I didn’t want to troll.

The comments reminded me about my time in college.  I attended a small, private Baptist college in North West Georgia.

Growing up in Florida, my college life was a huge culture shock for me.  But I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.  It helped me grow as a person and see life from several different perspectives.

I attended school during the late 1990’s, but it felt more like the 1940’s.  The town was extremely religious and very, very white.

The people in my college town were mostly Southern Baptist and very close-minded.  Although the town had two colleges, a large segment of the population was largely uneducated and very simple-minded.

While out in public, it was not uncommon to hear people throwing around racial epithets like “nigger,” “spic,” “wetback,” etc in normal conversations. It was also not uncommon to watch people in public berate those who may have appeared homosexual.  This was very normal and accepted there. Continue reading

Rednecks Don’t Need Spell Check

(I’m not sure why, but this post gets the most views of anything I’ve written.  Apparently, rednecks are polarizing.)

“No one has anythang agenst rednecks” Chris from Independence High

 

(I used to run a website where I made fun of people who posted stupid shit on Facebook.  This was one of my posts about rednecks.)

One group of people who always help me feel intelligent is “Rednecks.”

I absolutely love the fact that they jack off on their bibles, wear camouflage, hate all non-white people, hate northerners for no reason, use the word nigger, hate gay people, fuck their sisters/cousins/aunts/uncles, go mudding, hunt anything with a pulse and bitch and complain all the time about Hispanics taking their jobs.

Rednecks are the best.  Society always needs a continuous stream of racist, sister fuckers with non-chlorinated gene pools to keep the white race alive.  Sometimes, I am so proud to be white (sarcasm).

Please do not get confused between “Rednecks” and “Country People”.   There are actually many good country folk out there and those are not the people I am speaking about here.

But, for the love of God, Allah, Buddha and Krishna, WHY CAN’T REDNECKS USE SPELL CHECK???  I just do not get it.  The following posts are from Redneck Groups on Facebook.  Just read and enjoy.   And remember, this is real; I could not make this shit up. Continue reading

God Doesn’t Make Sense

goddevilA friend of mine on my personal Facebook account recently posted something about his friend dying from lung cancer.  The man never smoked and never lived with anyone who smoked.

He then wrote, “I don’t buy into the penthouse religion theory.  I personally don’t believe shit like this would happen if there was a higher being.  I am more of a ride the swell in and see what beach I end up on kind of guy.”

Being an atheist, I understand this line of thinking and I can totally relate to him. Continue reading

Laughing at an Atheist

atheist-logic-101The other day at about 4:30 in the afternoon, I was sitting on my couch catching up with Dexter on my DVR.  My doorbell rang, which was odd for this time of day.

Most of my friends come to my garage door and my doorbell is usually silent.  I expected either and an alarm or yard fertilizer salesman.

But to my surprise I opened the door to find two attractive women dressed nicely and smiling at me.

“Hello.  We are sorry to bother you, but we are from the new Baptist church down the road and wanted to introduce ourselves,” one of them said.

Then, before I could reply, the other woman said, “What church do you attend?”

Wow, they really got right to the point.  Southern Baptists rarely have any shame whatsoever, especially when they are recruiting or drinking Mountain Dew and eating deep-fried foods.  At this point, I wished I had an open can of beer in my hand and was a black dude.

“Well, my wife doesn’t go to church and I’m an atheist,” I replied politely. Continue reading

Hey Baptist

(Author’s note; I’m rather enjoying writing in this style, kind of like a letter to people who piss me off.  It makes me feel like someone is actually listening.  I graduated from a small, private Baptist college in Rome, Georgia, hence the inspiration.  It was the most racist, backwoods, redneck filled city I’ve ever lived in.)

Hey Baptist– Stop telling me not to drink beer while you fill your obese face with only deep-fried foods while washing it down with gallons of sweet tea and Mountain Dew.

A vegetable is no longer a vegetable once you bread it with flour, deep fry it and dip it in Ranch Dressing.

Hey Baptist– Stop telling me that I’m going to hell for having premarital sex while you secretly Google search “Filipino Lady-Boys Ball-Gag Naked Twister”.

I know that your wife is constantly busy folding your laundry, buttering your toast, ironing your suspenders and picking up your Twinkie wrappers and probably is too tired to let you go balls deep inside her each night. Continue reading

Easter Sunday (An Atheist in a Baptist Church)

Being an atheist, I’m not exactly fond of churches or going to church.  But, I set aside my personal beliefs and comforts this past Sunday to attend a Southern Baptist church with my wife, stepchildren and her father.  He’s 84 years old and it means a lot to him.  You see, I’m a nice atheist.

Church is No Place for Germaphobes:  Sure, I’ve been to church before, but it had been several years.  I had totally forgotten how much “touching” goes on in church (no, not a Catholic priest joke).

Before I could even find an empty pew, I was touched by at least six strangers.  Several creepily long hand shakes and foreplay-like pats on the back escorted me in.  I even watched one elderly man use a handkerchief to blow his nose right before greeting me with his slick palm.

Thoughts of Avian Flu and Ebola steadily circled in my brain.  If terrorists were a little smarter, they could easily spread some devastating flu strain throughout America just by going to one church service.

Uneducated Congregation: This church is in a poor area of town and the congregation reflects that.  This was a Metro PCS church, no IPhones were present.

It was easy to see that many of them have little more than a high school education and intelligence is a prayer that God hasn’t exactly answered for them yet.  They hinged on every word delivered by the pastor and echoed his statements with “Amens” and “Alleluias.”  Continue reading