Plastic Parade (a poem)

duck-face-mom-yearA-typical Rolex submariner sits on the dad’s wrist like a beacon of arrival,
his too-tight Ed Hardy tee sticks to his cross fit chest like an extra layer of skin.
those hours in the gym, the broccoli, the grilled chicken, the spinach salads……
Eyes scanning the crowd looking for that 25 year-old who hasn’t yet sunk the botox into her forehead

Wifey to his left, flipping her platinum dyed hair again and again and again
She, looking for someone to make fun of, looking for someone to help her feel better about her collagen duck-faced lips,

her third tit job, her fourth anal bleaching, her fifth affair with a new trainer,Tattoo reads “MILF” along the panty line that only a select 50 or so willing erections get to see.

She, peering at the younger women while licking her lips with the misguided confidence of an American Idol contestant

Continue reading

Advertisements

The Hipster Movement

hipsterI always marvel at Hipsters and how their desperate search for individuality usually results in them becoming the exact opposite of what they seek.

People either want to be the Kardashians or David Lynch, everything in between is just a muddled batch of grey.

 

Defending Your Beliefs

UnknownI saw this at the grocery store the other day and yes, it made me think.  I know I should just ignore the Duck family, but I just can’t.  The way people react to them is amazing to me.

I absolutely support the right for every American to believe in whatever they want.  I think that’s one beautiful aspect of being an American.

“You’ve gotta respect everyone’s beliefs.” No, you don’t. That’s what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone’s beliefs, and then you have to reserve the right to go: “That is fucking stupid. Are you kidding me?” I acknowledge that you believe that, that’s great, but I’m not going to respect it. I have an uncle that believes he saw Sasquatch. We do not believe him, nor do we respect him!” Patton Oswalt

But with that freedom also comes the freedom for people to comment on others beliefs.If you hold a belief that is controversial in any way, you should be prepared for others to comment about your belief.

Especially if you are a public figure capitalizing on your image and your beliefs.

Especially if you hold a belief that is rooted in the Old Testament of the Bible.

With the constant pressure of political correctness, we often lose sight of what is real and what is fantasy due to a fear of offending others.

I’m beginning to agree somewhat with Patton Oswalt’s quote above.  What happens when a person’s beliefs are absolutely asinine or wholly unbelievable? Continue reading

Duh’Merica (a poem for the masses)

selfieDuh’Merica……. in order to escape your own sad realities, you peer into the television and watch the pathetic, invented “realities” of people you wish you could be.  it’s so easy to fall into the couch while letting the mountain dew drip down and wet your cheetoh-stained chin

you wake up every day, go to the job you hate,  work for people you despise, to collect the check that pays for the beer first and rent second.  the buzz keeps everything numb and near the back of your vapid mind

you tweet what you think are clever quips and sit on the edge of the toilet seat waiting for someone to “favorite” the line, oh-to be loved by random internet friends who live in other worlds so far away from yours Continue reading

Butt Implants & Instagram

lilwaynenickiminajThe other day my 13 year-old daughter was showing me pictures on her Instagram of a girl who posted several before and after pictures of her new butt implants.

She is 14 years old.  Let me repeat that…………… a 14 year-old with butt implants.  Supposedly.

Now, at face value, I didn’t and don’t believe it.

Having three daughters, I can’t even fathom the thought of a parent giving permission for a 14 year-old to have any kind of cosmetic surgery.  I did a quick search online and I don’t even think it’s legal to have it done at that age.  I didn’t care to spend too much time researching, because I really don’t care.

But all that is beside the point.

A girl this age posting pictures of her fake butt implants on Instagram is such a sad commentary on today’s society.  Social media provides an avenue for people to satiate their constant need for attention, and that is not a good thing. Continue reading

Go back to bed America (bill hicks quote)

It amazes me how this quote still applies today.  Read it and let it sink in for a minute.

I miss Bill Hicks.  I can only imagine what he would be saying today.

“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”

Bill Hicks

Your Dog and My Kids

dog“My dog is smarter than your honor student.”  I’m sure most of you have seen this bumper sticker; of course the type of dog is usually identified.

I’ve raised dogs before and I am currently raising four children.  I can say, without a fucking doubt, that my honor students are smarter than whatever dog you have.

And here’s how I can prove it:

  • Your dog licks its own ass and genitalia on a regular basis and doesn’t brush its teeth.  So, in essence, your dog has ass-crotch breath.
  • Your dog sniffs crotches, a lot
  • Your dog can’t eat without you, my kids can use a microwave and an oven
  • Your dog pisses the floor when it hears thunder, my kids understand that thunder is just a noise
  • You have to cut your dog’s toenails……………enough said

I love dogs as much as the next person, but please relax with the bumper stickers.

Your dog will never be smarter than my honor students.  As a matter of fact, your dog will never be smarter than the below average booger eaters.

Cheers.