I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

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duck dynasty rednecks (duh’merica rises again)

Duck Dynasty stars 660 APThanks a lot Duck Dynasty for bringing Leviticus back.  I’m still amazed that people are shocked that a Christian redneck made some disparaging comments about gay people.

I’m even more amazed that so many people care about some bearded rednecks who wear a lot of camo and make duck shit.

I’m the first person to defend a person’s right of free speech.  But what I think is important is to examine exactly what inspired his comments. 

Without much investigation, I think it’s safe to say that the Duck Father has a problem with homosexuals because of his Christian faith and fervent belief in the book of Leviticus.

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable.  They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:13 (NIV)

Isn’t it about time that people understand that there is some crazy shit in the bible, some especially crazy shit in the old testament?

Here’s another verse from the same book:

“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buys slaves.” Leviticus 25:44 (NIV)

Why is it that so many Christians point to one verse of the bible to justify their bigotry against gay people and then forget about all the other verses concerning  things like slavery, like female submission, etc. Continue reading

Dear Twilight Freaks,

(While reading this, keep in mind that somewhere inside her New Orleans mansion, Anne Rice is pulling her fucking hair out)

Hey Twilight freaks, get a fucking grip.

So, it appears that Kristen Stewart may in fact be a dirty, little whore.

The pictures of her butt snuggling with a married man were not photo shopped and she actually admitted cheating on her vampire boyfriend Robert.

Hold the fucking phone!!!

How could she do such a dastardly thing?  How could she betray such a wonderful vampire????

WHO FUCKING CARES!!!!  Holy shit people, get a fucking life already.

VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL.  I repeat, VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL.

But don’t freak out too much, for all you know Stephanie Meyer may have added this plot twist for the next movie.

I know how difficult it can be for people to separate reality from movies, but the vampire world is a very intricate one.

On page 37 of The Vampires are Probably Real handbook; it states that “reality is truly the creation of the believer.”

So wipe those tears away, clean up that runny nose and text all your friends that there could be a new Vampire Rising.

What could that mean you ask?  Duh, what if Kristen bit that guy she cheated on Robert with?  That means he’s a vampire now.

Holy Shit, now all you freaks have to decide on Team Edward, Team  Jacob or Team Cheater Guy.

Oh dear, I can smell your desperation and it reeks.

Fifty Shades of Lame

Well, DUH’America did it again.  Brevard County in Melbourne, Fl banned the ridiculously popular Shades of Grey book from its libraries.

Yep, that’s right, apparently Brevard County is waging a war against all the pathetic, attention lacking, pre-menopausal, middle-aged women in their county.  How can any county government wage a public war against women like this?

I feel absolutely terrible that these poor, desperately in need of self-esteem women can’t check out a book that helps them diddle themselves. Continue reading

I’d Rather be Cummin’ than Strokin’

I saw this slogan on a truck when I was in traffic a while ago. Again, I’m always left mystified with the ever-evolving intellect of the redneck.

While I didn’t get a good look at the two gentlemen inside the truck I have the following suspicions:

    • They probably hunt and kill deer
    • They are probably amazed at their thumbs
    • They love diesel fuel
    • Their wives are constantly breeding
    • They don’t like Blacks or Mexicans (unless the Mexicans are serving them food)

The American Redneck is a curious creature and one that I always rely on for a good laugh. I can only imagine what the conversation is like inside that truck cab. I bet it went something like this:

Driver
“Hey Skeeter.”
Passenger“Whut?”
Driver“We gonna get some fried wolf knuckles for lunch?”
Passenger“Nah, I want some fried mayonnaise balls dipped in Ranch.”
Driver“HELLS YEAH.”

Mr. Redneck, I would rather be cummin than stroking too. Thanks for being there for me man.I needed a laugh.

And everyone is worried about the economy; it’s the inbreeding that really matters