I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

Rednecks Don’t Need Spell Check

(I’m not sure why, but this post gets the most views of anything I’ve written.  Apparently, rednecks are polarizing.)

“No one has anythang agenst rednecks” Chris from Independence High

 

(I used to run a website where I made fun of people who posted stupid shit on Facebook.  This was one of my posts about rednecks.)

One group of people who always help me feel intelligent is “Rednecks.”

I absolutely love the fact that they jack off on their bibles, wear camouflage, hate all non-white people, hate northerners for no reason, use the word nigger, hate gay people, fuck their sisters/cousins/aunts/uncles, go mudding, hunt anything with a pulse and bitch and complain all the time about Hispanics taking their jobs.

Rednecks are the best.  Society always needs a continuous stream of racist, sister fuckers with non-chlorinated gene pools to keep the white race alive.  Sometimes, I am so proud to be white (sarcasm).

Please do not get confused between “Rednecks” and “Country People”.   There are actually many good country folk out there and those are not the people I am speaking about here.

But, for the love of God, Allah, Buddha and Krishna, WHY CAN’T REDNECKS USE SPELL CHECK???  I just do not get it.  The following posts are from Redneck Groups on Facebook.  Just read and enjoy.   And remember, this is real; I could not make this shit up. Continue reading

A Hipster Being Searched by a TSA Agent

(WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE CONSIDERED RACIALLY INSENSITIVE AND POLITICALLY INCORRECT, BUT THAT’S WHAT I DO BEST.  And by the way, if you’ve ever been to the Atlanta airport, this could be very close to the truth.)

Here’s what happens when a hipster has a layover in the Atlanta Hartsfield International airport on his way to the Wakarusa Music Festival in Ozark, Arizona for some ironic concert fun.

Characters: Jude the Hipster and Lakeesha the TSA Agent

Lakeesha- (appearing disinterested and extremely bothered to actually be at work) Excuuuuuse me Mr. Hairy face with the stupid-ass hat on, step over hear please.  You have been selected for a random search.  My name is Lakeesha and I am a special search agent for the Transportation Security Administration.

Jude- (speaking like he’s ingested a handful of shrooms)  Whoa, I heard about this when I was drinking green tea the other day.  Very trippy, please be gentle, it took me forever to get my hat to sit just right on my head.

Lakeesha- (already getting angry) Green tea????  What in the hell is green tea?

You dumb-ass white folks always trying to drink shit that you think make you healthy.  (laughing) Green tea, HA.  How about some Welch’s Grape, cracker?  That’ll put some hair on yo chest.

How about you take that gay-ass hat off so I can make sure you ain’t got no bombs hidden in your wannabe Bob Marley hair. Continue reading

HEY OLD MAN!!!!!!

(This is inspired by living in Florida almost my whole life and dealing with annoying old people)

HEY OLD MAN……..Please for the love of Krishna, stay in bed long enough for me to get to work before you hit the streets in your 35 foot Cadillac and swerve your way to IHOP.  YOU ARE RETIRED and IHOP is open 24 hours a day.  That means you don’t need to drive the streets while the rest of the coherent drivers under the age of 80 are trying to bring home some bacon.

HEY OLD MAN……..Please don’t think that it’s normal for you to continually fart as you walk through the Wal-Mart aisles looking for Sensodyne.  Just because you can’t hear anything doesn’t mean that the rest of us aren’t inhaling the fumes of the dead cat that crawled up your ass while you were pulling weeds in your garden. Continue reading

Brilliance in Journalism

I was working in Miami the other day and while getting dressed in my hotel, I turned on the Today Show.

I know, I should have spanked myself heartily and immediately gone to the library, but I truly wanted to see a train wreck and some blood and guts.

Thankfully, the Today Show delivered with its normal lack of journalistic integrity.  The lead stories were about a 39 pound cat and Rosie O’Donnell.

Notice, I didn’t say that Rosie tried to eat the cat, (how punnirific, and yes I just coined that word) just that they were both lead stories.

So the obese cat segment was truly riveting.  Today Show anchor Ann Curry, asked the woman holding the cat a very pointed question: I’m paraphrasing here, “So how in the world does a cat get that big.”

Wow, heads up Pulitzer Prize committee, I think we have a finalist.  The woman answered that the cat was fed too much and fed unhealthy food.

Hey America, don’t be shocked when China and their Rickshaw Express takes over.  While Americans are morbidly fascinated with an obese cat, the Chinese would deep-fry the same cat and feed half their population.

HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT.

Sadly, I pictured the cat as an accurate symbol of the average American and Ann Curry as just another grossly overpaid media figure who placates her bosses so that she can drive multiple Mercedes.

That’s all for now.

DUH’America: China Won Yesterday

Uh, hello America, did you see what happened yesterday?  Although it wasn’t widely reported, China officially won yesterday.  That’s right, it’s all over.  I witnessed the event firsthand on the Today Show.

Before you scold me, I sometimes enjoy the mindless drivel presented on the Today Show.  I feel it helps me stay in touch with the vacant minds floating throughout the country.

I sometimes become erect when the “used to be fat black dude” talks about the weather, his delivery in front of the green screen is intoxicating.

Anyway, before I get lost in the subtleties of American journalism, let’s get back to China winning.

Kim Kardashian was the featured guest for the Today Show yesterday and boy she didn’t disappoint.  While walking around the square outside the show, I watched as young girls (with their mothers) fawned over her and begged Kim to take a picture with them. Continue reading