The Best Dream Ever

It starts with me walking down a poorly lit hallway with several doors on each side, some cracked open and some closed.  I want to look in each door, but something is making me nervous to look.  But I look anyway.

The first door is numbered 666 and I open it.  There is a huge bed in the middle of the room and I see Rush Limbaugh dressed like a catholic school girl and he has black mascara dripping down his bulbous cheeks like he’s been crying.  He looks at me with his God-Fearing eyes and points to the corner.

In the corner there are two Filipino adult midgets tied together with ball-gags in their mouths, smiling and sitting on top of a very worn out Twister board.

Then out of the closet, Justin Beiber runs out dressed in a lederhosen t-back carrying a crystal magic wand.  He flips his hair, points the wand at Rush and says, “Lady-Boy Alive.”  Immediately Rush grows HHH titties and starts giggling like he’s on laughing gas.

He gets down on all fours on the edge of the bed and Justin mounts him and starts riding him like a donkey.  Rush squeals and Justin just keeps flipping his hair.  Then Usher appears with a video camera and starts taping the whole thing and tells me he’s going to put it on You Tube.

I’m starting to feel a little weird about everything so I try to help the Filipino midgets get untied.

They start blowing me kisses, so I run out of the room and slam the door shut.  At the end of the hallway I see my 5th grade teacher standing next to a urinal and she says, “I told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything.”  I wake up and realized I pissed myself, again.

Rednecks Don’t Need Spell Check

(I’m not sure why, but this post gets the most views of anything I’ve written.  Apparently, rednecks are polarizing.)

“No one has anythang agenst rednecks” Chris from Independence High

 

(I used to run a website where I made fun of people who posted stupid shit on Facebook.  This was one of my posts about rednecks.)

One group of people who always help me feel intelligent is “Rednecks.”

I absolutely love the fact that they jack off on their bibles, wear camouflage, hate all non-white people, hate northerners for no reason, use the word nigger, hate gay people, fuck their sisters/cousins/aunts/uncles, go mudding, hunt anything with a pulse and bitch and complain all the time about Hispanics taking their jobs.

Rednecks are the best.  Society always needs a continuous stream of racist, sister fuckers with non-chlorinated gene pools to keep the white race alive.  Sometimes, I am so proud to be white (sarcasm).

Please do not get confused between “Rednecks” and “Country People”.   There are actually many good country folk out there and those are not the people I am speaking about here.

But, for the love of God, Allah, Buddha and Krishna, WHY CAN’T REDNECKS USE SPELL CHECK???  I just do not get it.  The following posts are from Redneck Groups on Facebook.  Just read and enjoy.   And remember, this is real; I could not make this shit up. Continue reading

duck dynasty rednecks (duh’merica rises again)

Duck Dynasty stars 660 APThanks a lot Duck Dynasty for bringing Leviticus back.  I’m still amazed that people are shocked that a Christian redneck made some disparaging comments about gay people.

I’m even more amazed that so many people care about some bearded rednecks who wear a lot of camo and make duck shit.

I’m the first person to defend a person’s right of free speech.  But what I think is important is to examine exactly what inspired his comments. 

Without much investigation, I think it’s safe to say that the Duck Father has a problem with homosexuals because of his Christian faith and fervent belief in the book of Leviticus.

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable.  They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:13 (NIV)

Isn’t it about time that people understand that there is some crazy shit in the bible, some especially crazy shit in the old testament?

Here’s another verse from the same book:

“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buys slaves.” Leviticus 25:44 (NIV)

Why is it that so many Christians point to one verse of the bible to justify their bigotry against gay people and then forget about all the other verses concerning  things like slavery, like female submission, etc. Continue reading

My Strange Pirate Dream

(I’m re-posting this because I’m hoping someone who reads it may be able to help me decipher exactly what it means.)

I was strapped into a huge, throne-like, rotating chair in the middle of a massive pirate ship.

As the chair rotated I could see that Angelina Jolie was wearing a fruit basket hat and was steering the ship while Johnny Depp was licking her balls.

That’s right, Angelina had balls.  And not little balls, they were big, hulking cow balls.

I yelled “Why, why… poor Brad.”  Depp stopped licking her balls, smiled eerily and said in an annoying pirate voice, “Vive la France.”

As the chair rotated away from the ball licking, I noticed that there was a playpen balancing precariously on a plank that extended about ten feet from the edge of the ship over the sea.

There appeared to be about 10 kids in it and they were all striped like Zebras.  There was a flag in the middle of the playpen with a banner at the top that said, “Adopt a kid and get free booty.

I began to cry a bit and a couple of tears dripped down my cheeks.  As if those first scenes weren’t bad enough, my chair continued to rotate, I saw that Usher was manning one of the cannons at the front of the ship and had a parrot on his shoulder.  Continue reading

Toilet Etiquette

(I’m reposting this because it’s one of my favorites and I think I’ve lost some viewers since I changed the name of my blog)

One of the most important things in our everyday lives is going to the bathroom. Amazingly, this is something that most people neglect and take for granted. So, I wrote this post to help inform others on how to go to the bathroom effectively. (this applies to men and women)

When To Go Tinkle?
Well, normally you will feel a tickling sensation or pressure in your bladder area.

This can range from a subtle nudging feeling to a downright burning, “OMG, it’s time to go” feeling. The OMG feeling is usually present while drinking at bars. Continue reading

Hey Baptist

(Author’s note; I’m rather enjoying writing in this style, kind of like a letter to people who piss me off.  It makes me feel like someone is actually listening.  I graduated from a small, private Baptist college in Rome, Georgia, hence the inspiration.  It was the most racist, backwoods, redneck filled city I’ve ever lived in.)

Hey Baptist– Stop telling me not to drink beer while you fill your obese face with only deep-fried foods while washing it down with gallons of sweet tea and Mountain Dew.

A vegetable is no longer a vegetable once you bread it with flour, deep fry it and dip it in Ranch Dressing.

Hey Baptist– Stop telling me that I’m going to hell for having premarital sex while you secretly Google search “Filipino Lady-Boys Ball-Gag Naked Twister”.

I know that your wife is constantly busy folding your laundry, buttering your toast, ironing your suspenders and picking up your Twinkie wrappers and probably is too tired to let you go balls deep inside her each night. Continue reading

The Whore Gimmick

I’ve been going through my computer and found something I wrote back when Tiger Woods and Jesse James were fucking every woman on the planet.  I’m posting it because it applies nicely to our current society, just insert any celebrity name and the shoe fits.

I noticed that there are tons of groups on Facebook dedicated to calling Jesse James a dick and bashing Tiger Woods.

Thanks to Tiger and Jesse, we now have a new epidemic sweeping the land that I like to call The Whore Gimmick.”  What is it you ask?  Simple, I will explain.

Not only is America the home of the free land of the brave, but it’s also now the home of where any whore can use her tits and pussy to make a quick buck.

Not that being a whore is some new concept, it’s just finally popular and socially acceptable now.   Thank you TMZ, thank you Entertainment Tonight, thanks to every popular web-blog out there who gives these sluts an avenue for making money.

Personally, if I were Tiger or Jesse, I would sue the whores I fucked who are now making money off their dicks for half of the proceeds they make from going public. Continue reading