HEY TOURIST!!!!

(I’ve lived on the West coast of Florida nearly my whole life and I’ve dealt with tourists for most of that time; thus, the inspiration.)

Hey Tourist– Thanks for spending your money in my state and for helping our economy.  Without you, things would be very different here.  But, there are few things that you need some help with.

Hey Tourist (Beaches)- Yes, the beach is beautiful, now pay attention.  Those white/greyish birds flying around trying to steal your snacks are called Sea Gulls.  They are disgusting, they are mean and they are filthy.

In the mornings they spend their time at the local landfills picking through our waste.  Then by early afternoon, they fly to the beach hoping your dumb, tourist ass will feed them.  Remember that when you throw chips to them.  Hope you had a tetanus shot recently.

Sunscreen– Please go to a CVS or Walgreens and buy plenty of sunscreen.  The sun at the beach is very, very hot and your pasty, Northern skin will absolutely sizzle without it.  Continue reading

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Rednecks Don’t Need Spell Check

(I’m not sure why, but this post gets the most views of anything I’ve written.  Apparently, rednecks are polarizing.)

“No one has anythang agenst rednecks” Chris from Independence High

 

(I used to run a website where I made fun of people who posted stupid shit on Facebook.  This was one of my posts about rednecks.)

One group of people who always help me feel intelligent is “Rednecks.”

I absolutely love the fact that they jack off on their bibles, wear camouflage, hate all non-white people, hate northerners for no reason, use the word nigger, hate gay people, fuck their sisters/cousins/aunts/uncles, go mudding, hunt anything with a pulse and bitch and complain all the time about Hispanics taking their jobs.

Rednecks are the best.  Society always needs a continuous stream of racist, sister fuckers with non-chlorinated gene pools to keep the white race alive.  Sometimes, I am so proud to be white (sarcasm).

Please do not get confused between “Rednecks” and “Country People”.   There are actually many good country folk out there and those are not the people I am speaking about here.

But, for the love of God, Allah, Buddha and Krishna, WHY CAN’T REDNECKS USE SPELL CHECK???  I just do not get it.  The following posts are from Redneck Groups on Facebook.  Just read and enjoy.   And remember, this is real; I could not make this shit up. Continue reading

Hey Oprah

Shit, that’s not Oprah….

Hey Oprah– Give it up, nobody gives a shit about you anymore.  You have your own network, wow, very impressive.

Impressive until you actually gave Rosie O’Donnell a show on it.  Thanks though for actually realizing just how shitty O’Donnell is and for cancelling her show.

Hey Oprah– your fat, your skinny, your dieting, your fat again, your skinny again.  Who gives a fuck about what you shove in your mouth?

If I had a sixteenth the money you have, I would eat Philly Cheese steaks for breakfast and chase them with mayonnaise milk shakes.

Just admit it……..you like to eat food, a lot of food.  It’s ok, you are a good American.

Hey Orpah– PLEASE STOP GIVING GIFTS TO RICH MIDDLE-AGED WHITE WOMEN.

Hey Oprah– are you really fucking that guy Stedman who lives in your guest house or is he really just a front for you to hide the fact that you enjoy licking O’Donnell’s snatch every night?

Come on, tell the truth, no one would really be surprised.  I’m guessing that’s the blackmail she used to get a show on your network because she’s about as interesting and funny as rectal cancer.

Hey Oprah– The only way I would watch your show again is if you have Geraldo Rivera on, shave his mustache while playing naked Twister with him, put the stache clippings on an extra large slice of pizza and feed it to Jay Leno while he tries to asphyxiate himself with a Doritos bag.

Hey Oprah– I really don’t hate you.  I just hate the depraved culture that created you.

It’s not your fault and to tell the truth, if I were you, I probably would be doing the same thing.  But I’d be way cooler and controversial.

HEY OLD MAN!!!!!!

(This is inspired by living in Florida almost my whole life and dealing with annoying old people)

HEY OLD MAN……..Please for the love of Krishna, stay in bed long enough for me to get to work before you hit the streets in your 35 foot Cadillac and swerve your way to IHOP.  YOU ARE RETIRED and IHOP is open 24 hours a day.  That means you don’t need to drive the streets while the rest of the coherent drivers under the age of 80 are trying to bring home some bacon.

HEY OLD MAN……..Please don’t think that it’s normal for you to continually fart as you walk through the Wal-Mart aisles looking for Sensodyne.  Just because you can’t hear anything doesn’t mean that the rest of us aren’t inhaling the fumes of the dead cat that crawled up your ass while you were pulling weeds in your garden. Continue reading