Most Overrated Bands

Like most people, I love music.  I understand that everyone has different tastes, but there are several bands that I think absolutely suck giant donkey balls who are incredibly famous.  I just don’t get it.  Please, somebody help me.

Here’s my list of overrated bands, in no particular order:

Aerosmith– An androgynous lead singer and one of their most famous songs is called “Love in an Elevator”.  Come on people, that’s just ridiculous.  And ladies, Steven Tyler is not hot by any stretch of the imagination.  Did you notice him ogling pre-teens as an American Idol judge?  Pure rock star there.

Bruce Springsteen“Born in the U.S.A.”, no shit Bruce, as if we couldn’t tell.  I refuse to listen to his music until he stops chewing on marbles.  Please, someone enlighten me as to what language he speaks.  Is it English, is it blue-collar Jersey, is it some form of white Ebonics? The best thing Bruce did was get his guitarist a lead role on the Sopranos.

The Smiths– no offense to homosexuals, but this band is as queer as a football bat.  The hair, the pageantry, the flitting around the microphone like it’s a luscious cock, need I say more?

The Rolling Stones– Yes, I went there.  Talk about a grotesques group of over-achievers, WOW.  Mick Jagger looks like a horribly miscalculated Muppett creation and Keith Richards looks like a cigarette that has been shoved up a homeless guys ass, dipped in Scotch and smoked yet again.  No band can stay together for 150 years and be considered great.

Oasis– What-the-fuck-ever.  Here’s the story morning glory.  You are a band of petulant, whiny, uni-brow wearing Brits who are dying to be Radiohead.  Please stay away from Glastonbury and do not attempt a comeback.  “Champagne Super Nova in the Sky?”  Exactly, I rest my case.

Thanks for listening to another one of my rants.  I appreciate it.

In case you were wondering, a few of my favorite bands are; The Pixies, Radiohead, G-Love and the Special Sauce, Sublime, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Mickey Avalon and Yellowman.  Hopefully they aren’t on your overrated list.

I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

John Travolta and the Creepy Van

(I wrote this years ago before any of this “gay” rumor shit was in the news.  And by the way, who gives a fuck if Travolta likes to give rim jobs to hot, male masseurs?)

Am I the only person around who thinks John Travolta is just a bit too creepy and might be that guy you see driving a weird, old van in your neighborhood right after school lets out?

I’m not even talking about the whole Scientology aspect either.  His smile is just a little bit “off” for me.

When I see him on television doing an interview he kind of looks like that guy who drives the old, decrepit van with the tinted bubble window on the back offering kids in your neighborhood candy.

You know the van I’m talking about, the one with the airbrushed wizard mural on the side.  It was the type of van your mother told you to stay away from.

The van that was always circling the elementary school playground, the van with the mini air conditioner unit in the back window speeding away from playgrounds like a convict was driving.

Then, on the rare occasion that the van actually parked somewhere, the guy getting out had bad, green prison tattoos and that crazy Travolta-like smile.

That smile that someone only has when they have one hand down their pants and are alone on their couch watching a neighbor sunbathing.   That smile. Continue reading

Adventures at WalMart (a true story)

A while ago, I had to exchange a television at WalMart because the one I bought there a few days ago did not have a remote.  This should have been a truly easy task to accomplish; but idiocy, poor breeding and patriotism stood directly in my path.

Act I. The Beginning of the Transaction: I walked in with the television and my receipt and made my way to the customer service counter.

The employee was a young girl probably 19 or so with bad hair, but she was nice.  She took my receipt, stared at the “return/exchange” policy board behind her and told me that I had to exchange it for something that cost the exact same amount or something that costs more.

She explained that she couldn’t give me a refund in any way, shape or form.

“Whatever,” I thought to myself, I just wanted the exact same television, but this time with the remote it’s supposed to come with.

Act II. The Service Poodle:  I found the exact same television and made my way back to customer service to finalize the exchange.  Continue reading

time is a flat circle (what if?)

“””
–>

“Time is a flat circle.  And the curse of all life is that we repeat our same mistakes again and again, playing the roles of mythical archetypes, the fool, the hunter, walking ghosts seeking a solace that only comes with the brief respite of the grave.” True Detective

trueYes, I’m addicted to True Detective.  Each episode brings forth a new quote that absolutely mesmerizes me.

Especially the one above. Thing about that one for a minute, let it sink in.

Think about life.  Think about your life.  Think about the world we live in.

What if?  What if?  What if?  What if?

Being Isaach De Bankole (a tribute to the Limits of Control)

Are you interested in science by any chance? I’m interested in molecules.  The Sufi say, each one of us is a planet spinning in ecstasy.  But I say, Each one of us is a set of shifting molecules, spinning in ecstasy.  In the near future, worn out things will be made new again by reconfiguring the molecules.  A pair of shoes, a tire.  Molecular detection will also allow the determination of an object’s physical history; this matchbook for example, its collection of molecules could indicate everywhere it’s ever been.  They could do it with your clothes or even your skin for that matter.  The universe has no center and no edges.  Molecules, from the Limits of Control

It would never work.  I could never be the character Lone Man who Isaach De Bankole portrays in the Jim Jarmusch movie The Limits of Control.

He’s so calm, so centered and so focused on the mission at hand.  People speak to him and he often stares back as if nothing has been said.

He ritually performs Tai Chi to keep his center.  He’s so fucking disciplined.

I mean when Paz De La Huerta is lying naked on his bed, begging him to enjoy her, he simply denies her.

“Do you like sex,” she says.

He simply replies, “Yes,” and refrains.

No sudden moves, no inkling that he even has a dick.  He doesn’t even take his suit off as she sleeps naked, lying next to him .

Then the beautiful Paz adorns a clear raincoat with her naked brilliance beneath.

“Do you like my raincoat,” she says. Continue reading

Jude the Hipster Buys Condoms

Well, I enjoy poking fun at hipsters so I decided to start a series of hipster posts about Jude the Hipster and his adventures in every day life.

In this episode, Jude the Hipster buys some condoms.

Characters:

Jude– the Hipster, no description necessary

Sara– the Drug Store Clerk, about 22 years old and very, very average looking.

Fade In:  A typical Walgreens drug store in a slightly urban, but not too urban area.  Jude, wearing corduroys, a super tight shirt that says OBAMA ROCKS and a sporty purple fedora, walks into the store and heads directly to the pharmacy in the back to buy some condoms, but he has several questions for Sara the clerk.

Jude- (with confidence) Hi there.  I was wondering if could answer a couple questions for me about your prophylactic products.

Sara- (a little embarrassed) Sure, I guess.  I will do the best I can.

Jude- (stroking his ironic mustache) Great.  Well, I like to hang out downtown and I drink a lot of craft beer.

Just last night I tried a wonderful Belgian IPA that tasted like hops that only Bavarian Monks could produce.  Anyway, I digress.

Drinking a lot, coupled with my fancy mustache, I always tend to, you know, attract the ladies.  Do you get my drift???

Sara- (feeling uncomfortable)  I guess, what exactly is your question? Continue reading