Random Product Endorsement- GLIDE

I’ve always dreamed of a cool company wanting me to endorse their product.  Well, I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, so I will endorse one for them.

I live in Florida, it’s hot all the time, I have Scotch-Irish skin and I chafe.  That’s right, I’m not afraid to admit it.  Hello, my name is Duh’Merica and my inner thighs around my ball-sac chafes.

So, after years of keeping Gold Bond in business, a good friend of mine introduced me to Body Glide. (By the way, their website fucking rocks)

It was like Moses parting the Red Sea, like unicorns fucking in the summer sky, like a mountain of free Philly cheese-steaks, etc.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that product is incredible.  It’s essentially a deodorant stick and so easy to “glide” on.

Every morning I take a shower, dry off and then glide my ball sac and the areas around it.

I can do my 45 minute cardio without any chafing.  I can go to the beach and no unwanted “sandy” rashes.  I can have hot, sweaty sex with my wife without the fear of having to reach down between my legs to itch and remove my balls from the side of my legs.

I still use Gold Bond, but only as a complimentary powder for those extra sweaty days.

So, hey people who work for Body Glide, call me sometime and send me a free case.

There are tons of men in the world who go through life not realizing that their chafing problems could be so easily cured.

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Blog Awards and Deez Nutz

At first, I didn’t always appreciate being nominated for blog awards from other bloggers.

But that’s because I can be a intolerable, selfish asshole sometimes.

I now realize nominations are a great way to get to know other bloggers and share their talents.

Thanks MrMary, for nominating and always supporting me, I truly appreciate it.

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Describe 7 things about yourself
  • Nominate as many other bloggers as you want

Seven things about me:

  1. I have a terrible fear of public toilets
  2. If possible, I would resurrect Bill Hicks from the dead because I desperately want to hear his opinions about the current state of America
  3. I think 99% of politicians are absolutely full of shit and people who don’t realize that fact should be banned from talking
  4. I honestly worry that China will one day take over America and we will be eating fried golden retriever nuggets and getting to work via rickshaws
  5. I truly believe that the Kardashians are one of the worst influences for today’s children
  6. I am a truly sincere, caring person, even if some of my posts may not reflect that.
  7. I like to call my friends and ask them a question where their response to me is, “Who”.  Then I say “DEEZ NUTZ!!!!!”  I know it’s juvenile, but it cracks my ass up

NOMINATIONS:

Reclusewritings– some very interesting writing here

Trashbaggage’s Blog– always some humorous shit

Mooselicker- he may have similar toilet issues like me

Things Could Be Worse– seems like a cool guy even if he does like Boston sports teams

Wisethisnews– seems a bit clever

Uninspired Revolution– some cool stuff here

The Life of J-Wo– interesting

 

Kreativ Blogger Award

A special thanks to Onlyspartanwomen for nominating me via Disfuctional Unit, I truly appreciate it and especially like how you described me:

TheSandyTongue-This blog is not for everyone.  It’s pretty raunchy.  He uses a lot of profanity.  He is not politically correct.  He’s an atheist (I think).  Every once in a while he feels compelled to do a product endorsement for some toiletry he puts on his crotch.  So who, do you ask, is the Sandy Tongue for? 

Mainly anyone who’s a sucker for people who are unapologetically compelled to speak their truth, not for shock value, but because they are sincerely expressing their uncensored opinion with the expectation that there are at least a few grown ups in the world who understand you don’t have to separate your friends and enemies along the lines of those who always share your viewpoint and those who don’t. 

I definitely do not always agree with the opinion spoken by the The Sandy Tongue (although often I do), but I appreciate the different points of view he brings to the table.  Most of the time he’s pretty funny.  Sometimes he’s downright hysterical.

Seven things that people may not know about me: Continue reading

DUH’America: China Won Yesterday

Uh, hello America, did you see what happened yesterday?  Although it wasn’t widely reported, China officially won yesterday.  That’s right, it’s all over.  I witnessed the event firsthand on the Today Show.

Before you scold me, I sometimes enjoy the mindless drivel presented on the Today Show.  I feel it helps me stay in touch with the vacant minds floating throughout the country.

I sometimes become erect when the “used to be fat black dude” talks about the weather, his delivery in front of the green screen is intoxicating.

Anyway, before I get lost in the subtleties of American journalism, let’s get back to China winning.

Kim Kardashian was the featured guest for the Today Show yesterday and boy she didn’t disappoint.  While walking around the square outside the show, I watched as young girls (with their mothers) fawned over her and begged Kim to take a picture with them. Continue reading

Lazy, Selfish Blogger

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Hello, my name is Bixby and I’m addicted to being a lazy, selfish blogger.

I feel I owe the WordPress blogging community a bit of an apology.  Don’t worry, I’m not in a 12 step program, I just fell a little bad.

Confession time; I’m a lazy, selfish blogger.  I love to write and post my stories on here and I love it even more when people enjoy what I write, comment and follow me.  It kind of makes me feel like the pretty girl said yes to me when I asked her to the dance.

But then, just as I should be replying to comments and reading the blogs of those who follow me, a sudden urge of “holy shit, I can’t move from the couch to get to my desktop to log in sets in with a vengeance.”  It pisses me off because I truly enjoy reading many of your blogs, I really do.   I owe a special apology to MRMARYMUTHAFUCKINGPOPPINS (A Spoonful of Suga) who took me under his brilliant blogging wing.  Forgive me, my brother.

Please forgive my addiction to couches, Mountain Dew, Cheetohs and TMZ.  Forgive me for sometimes being a typical, sedentary American who becomes lost in flashy gadgets and the bright lights of television.  I’m only human.

But, I pledge to you that I will begin to reverse the horrible virus that has infected me.  I will try to do better.  In my defense, I did start a new job a couple months ago and I’ve been working my ass off.  And I am a father, a husband and those responsibilities will always come first.

But damn, I wish I could write everyday and someone would pay me for it.  I think I’m fucking hilarious, but I’ve found my humor doesn’t always translate to the masses.

Thanks for listening.

Tagging, my first attempt

Alright, so I’ve been tagged by a few people, which I greatly appreciate.  I apologize for taking so long to reply, but I’ve had to travel a lot for work lately and have kids to feed.  So here goes my first attempt at this.  If I left someone out who has tagged me, I do apologize, I’m not very organized and get lost on the internet frequently.  I mean no disrespect.

Some of my favorite blogs:

http://aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com/ : wonderful, insightful, incredible life perspective, extraordinarily creative, inspirational

http://pigeonheartponderings.wordpress.com/  : all around cool as hell, extremely intelligent, quirky, kick ass advice

http://howtodateboys.wordpress.com/ : unique story teller and amazing commentator of dating “boys”, quite funny

http://retrorambling.wordpress.com/: TidiousTed, very cool retro blog posts

http://retrorambling.wordpress.com/:  Some quick, cool posts

1. What’s the best thing that happened to you in the last 36 hours? I ate some Southwest Egg Rolls at Chilis.  They are magical.

2. What are your pet peeves?  Old people who pass gas in public, old people who get in my way, old people who smell.  Pretty much most old people.  I live in Florida, it’s gets very fucking annoying dodging the elderly every day. Continue reading