Rednecks Don’t Need Spell Check

(I’m not sure why, but this post gets the most views of anything I’ve written.  Apparently, rednecks are polarizing.)

“No one has anythang agenst rednecks” Chris from Independence High

 

(I used to run a website where I made fun of people who posted stupid shit on Facebook.  This was one of my posts about rednecks.)

One group of people who always help me feel intelligent is “Rednecks.”

I absolutely love the fact that they jack off on their bibles, wear camouflage, hate all non-white people, hate northerners for no reason, use the word nigger, hate gay people, fuck their sisters/cousins/aunts/uncles, go mudding, hunt anything with a pulse and bitch and complain all the time about Hispanics taking their jobs.

Rednecks are the best.  Society always needs a continuous stream of racist, sister fuckers with non-chlorinated gene pools to keep the white race alive.  Sometimes, I am so proud to be white (sarcasm).

Please do not get confused between “Rednecks” and “Country People”.   There are actually many good country folk out there and those are not the people I am speaking about here.

But, for the love of God, Allah, Buddha and Krishna, WHY CAN’T REDNECKS USE SPELL CHECK???  I just do not get it.  The following posts are from Redneck Groups on Facebook.  Just read and enjoy.   And remember, this is real; I could not make this shit up. Continue reading

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As Queer as a Football Bat (American Sports)

I was an athlete for many years and I enjoy the entertainment value of sports.  But, something has always intrigued me about the overt homosexual elements presented within athletics.

In America, sports are more highly regarded than almost every other element of society.  Most of our children grow up wanting to be a professional athlete and most parents are more than willing to help them attempt to make that dream come true.

For the exception of the WNBA, homosexuality and American athletics does not mix.  I was an athlete for years and I can tell you firsthand that being gay in locker room is about as comfortable as eating a cactus sandwich.

Why then is America alright with their superstar, male athletes doing the following things:
1.    Smacking another teammate on the ass after he makes a good play.  (When is this ever considered not-gay?)
2.    A quarterback placing his hands under the center’s anus as he awaits the hiking of the “ball.” (Let’s see here; guys hand touching another guys taint and ball sack, WOW) Continue reading

Random Product Endorsement- GLIDE

I’ve always dreamed of a cool company wanting me to endorse their product.  Well, I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, so I will endorse one for them.

I live in Florida, it’s hot all the time, I have Scotch-Irish skin and I chafe.  That’s right, I’m not afraid to admit it.  Hello, my name is Duh’Merica and my inner thighs around my ball-sac chafes.

So, after years of keeping Gold Bond in business, a good friend of mine introduced me to Body Glide. (By the way, their website fucking rocks)

It was like Moses parting the Red Sea, like unicorns fucking in the summer sky, like a mountain of free Philly cheese-steaks, etc.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that product is incredible.  It’s essentially a deodorant stick and so easy to “glide” on.

Every morning I take a shower, dry off and then glide my ball sac and the areas around it.

I can do my 45 minute cardio without any chafing.  I can go to the beach and no unwanted “sandy” rashes.  I can have hot, sweaty sex with my wife without the fear of having to reach down between my legs to itch and remove my balls from the side of my legs.

I still use Gold Bond, but only as a complimentary powder for those extra sweaty days.

So, hey people who work for Body Glide, call me sometime and send me a free case.

There are tons of men in the world who go through life not realizing that their chafing problems could be so easily cured.

My “Go-Gay” List

I’m not a homosexual.  I’ve never kissed or had any type of sexual experience with a man in my life.

I was an athlete for many years and did take hundreds of showers with other naked men and never once became excited.  I know, that sounds like a lot of naked cock for one man to be around, but trust me, I never looked down.

I love boobs and always have.  I am very comfortable with my sexuality.

But, I can admit when a man is good looking and that brings me to my Go-Gay List.  The following is a list of men I would go-gay for.  Come on guys, don’t tell me you don’t have a list like this.

Bradley Cooper– no brainer here, those beautiful eyes, that quick sarcastic whit.  I would give him the best hangover he’s ever had. Continue reading

Evolution and the Great White Ape

(If you don’t appreciate or understand “tongue-in-cheek”, please turn away now.)

When I was about 13 and watching an episode of “What’s Happening,” my father once said, “If I am to believe in evolution, then I believe I evolved from the great white ape.”

Fortunately, I was a bright young lad at the time and I didn’t let that comment influence my thoughts on science or race relations.

I was able to rely on my own independent thought. Since that day though, I have always been intrigued by evolution and even more intrigued with people who claim it is not real, my father included.

I just can’t understand that there are people who don’t believe in evolution. IT IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT!!!!!!!!! Kind of like GRAVITY, it’s real. Believe it skeptics, evolution is indeed real. Continue reading

Imagine

I was working in Miami the past few days and I witnessed some incredible cultural phenomenon.

The Miami Heat were playing for the NBA championship and everyone, I mean everyone, in Miami had a gigantic hard on…………even the women for this event.

I was eating dinner at my hotel bar and casually watching the game.  A huge crowd gathered as the Heat began to destroy Oklahoma.

I was amazed at how so many people were transfixed on watching a sporting event.

These people were living and breathing every dribble, every shot and every move the Heat made.  There were cheers, boos, laughter almost every minute.

And then I thought to myself, HOLY SHIT, these people are ridiculously excited about dudes throwing a round ball into a basket.  Yep, I’m breaking it down to a base level that everyone should think about.  Continue reading

The Freedom to be Stupid

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein

I am an American and I would like to know what has happened to my country?

It’s wonderful to be free, but unfortunately, freedom often protects those who are complete fucking morons.

Here are some examples:

Case in point 1: Dumb-Ass North Carolina Rednecks

“Build a great big large fence 50 or 100 miles long. Put all the lesbians in there. Fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. Have that fence electrified so they can’t get out. You know what, in a few years, they’ll die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce,” said Charles Worley, pastor at Providence Road Baptist Church in Maiden, N.C.

Why won’t any reporter covering this story just say what should be said?

I want to hear someone on live television say, “Excuse me Pastor Worley, do you realize that you are a gigantic jack-ass and you are spitting in the face of evolution with your archaic beliefs and opinions?  Stop hiding behind your Bible, fucking your sisters, do the world a favor and slit your wrists immediately.” 

But sadly, no one has the balls to say that for fear of pissing someone off.  It’s ok to piss off assholes. Continue reading