God in Schools (the end is near)

letter-from-godIn traffic today I saw this bumper sticker:

“Dear God, Why do you let bad things happen in schools?” “Dear Son, I’m not allowed in schools.”

I almost crashed into the back of the car when I read this.  This is the kind of unintelligent, undynamic,  and unoriginal thought that has been and continues to ruin this country.

(Yes, I am aware that undynamic is probably not a word, but I like it)

Maybe I’m the idiot here, maybe I’m the dolt, the blockhead, the bonehead, the meathead, the lunk………..well, you get the idea.

I fail to see any logic with that bumper sticker.  I fail to see any logic at all.

I’m guessing that if kids in school prayed more there would be less teachers sending them texts of their cocks, tits and fucking them in detention.  And I mean true “fucking” in the sexual sense, not “fucking” them as in fucking them out of a decent education. Continue reading

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John Travolta and the Creepy Van

(I wrote this years ago before any of this “gay” rumor shit was in the news.  And by the way, who gives a fuck if Travolta likes to give rim jobs to hot, male masseurs?)

Am I the only person around who thinks John Travolta is just a bit too creepy and might be that guy you see driving a weird, old van in your neighborhood right after school lets out?

I’m not even talking about the whole Scientology aspect either.  His smile is just a little bit “off” for me.

When I see him on television doing an interview he kind of looks like that guy who drives the old, decrepit van with the tinted bubble window on the back offering kids in your neighborhood candy.

You know the van I’m talking about, the one with the airbrushed wizard mural on the side.  It was the type of van your mother told you to stay away from.

The van that was always circling the elementary school playground, the van with the mini air conditioner unit in the back window speeding away from playgrounds like a convict was driving.

Then, on the rare occasion that the van actually parked somewhere, the guy getting out had bad, green prison tattoos and that crazy Travolta-like smile.

That smile that someone only has when they have one hand down their pants and are alone on their couch watching a neighbor sunbathing.   That smile. Continue reading

Because Male Hygiene is Important

(I’m re-posting this for my new friends who may have missed it, enjoy)

Medicated Powder.   I don’t know about you, but I am always cognizant of maintaining my male hygiene.

It’s something my father taught me when I was child.  “Son, there is nothing worse than a guy with a stinky crotch,” he used to tell me.

When I was about 12 years old, while most fathers were teaching their young boys about sex education, my father took me to Walgreens to introduce me to my first medicated powder.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.

We walked into the store and headed directly to the back where all the powders were kept next to the Vaseline, lubricants and condoms. (back then, condoms weren’t locked up)

The pharmacist asked my father if we needed any help.  “No thanks buddy, just buying my son some crotch powder.  He’s about that age now,” he said with a proud smile.  I looked straight down and wanted to jump off a bridge.

I didn’t want anyone to think that I had a smelly crotch.  I was praying that I didn’t see anyone from my school in the store.  It was one thing to be the shy kid or the new kid at school; but the kid with the smelly crotch, that would surely lead to me becoming a serial killer one day. Continue reading

Poor Mr. Spickles

(I wrote this after watching a special about Tourette’s Syndrome.  The background of my story is that a family decides to move to a new city and siblings Bo and Nancy are pissed.  Bo was worried about being able to make new friends so he decided to fake a syndrome in order to get attention.  His older sister Nancy agreed to help him with the ruse and come in to the class and read the letter about her brother.  Written from Bo’s perspective.)

Mr. Spickles before the incident

Hello, my name is Nancy and my brother Bo has Tourette’s Syndrome.  He is a very nice boy, but he curses and twitches all the time and sometimes it can be very embarrassing. 

One time, my mother took us to the Hamburger Shack to get dinner one night.  We were standing in line and in front of us was a family of midgets. 

They were going about their business not bothering anyone when Bo yelled out, “Don’t get the large size fries, stupid little pint-sized, knee knocking, ball-licking freaks.” 

My mother turned abnormally red, apologized to the midget family and explained that Bo was retarded.  I will never forget that day. Continue reading

The Selfie Generation

selfieI feel lucky to have been a teenager in the 90’s when social media was actually having to converse face to face with people.  I have teen-aged daughters and I’m watching this FacebookInstaChatSnapGram live from the front row.

And I have to say I feel sympathy for them.  My wife and I do an excellent job of monitoring their social media and we remain steadfast in being proactive with their lives.  But damn, this shit is amazing.

I can only imagine how my life would have been different if I had today’s technology while I was in high school:

*Every time I drank a beer, smoked some weed or said something shitty about someone, it would be right out on front street. 

*It was so much easier to be able to just talk behind peoples’ backs without fear of being recorded. 

*It was so much easier to pass out drunk without having to worry about becoming the next Vine video of a drunk asshole with dicks drawn on his cheeks in permanent marker. 

*It was so much easier to egg someone’s house and root their yard up without fear of it being taped by Verizon home security cameras. 

*It was so much easier to tell my parents I was going to my friend Tom’s house even though I was meeting a girl for sex and not have to worry about an app on my cell phone telling them exactly where I was. 

*It was so much easier to apply for a job and not worry that the prospective employer already knew everything about me that I was trying to hide.

I think what saddens me the most is that as we become more technologically advanced we seem to become lazier, less intelligent and desensitized to everything that damages us.

Maybe I will post that last thought on Facebook and see how many “likes” I can get.

If I Were Handicapped……

If I were handicapped I would at least try to have fun with it.  (I mean no disrespect to those who are handicapped.)
Here are a few things I would do:

**I would go to the mall, roll up into the middle of the food court and jump out of my chair screaming loudly while flailing my arms like a helicopter.

When someone approached me to help, I would rudely turn them away and tell them that I was waiting for the nice Asian girl handing out samples for the Panda Express to come over and help me.  She has a nice smile and always gives away food.

**I would go to the grocery store and roll up to the fresh vegetables.  I would take out my colostomy bag, set it on top of the tomatoes and loosen the hose from the bag.

Then I would roll away, without returning it into the back of my wheelchair, and let it fall to the tiled floor with a loud splat.  HA, jokes on you vegetable cleaner employee.

**I would go to Disney World just so I could skip everyone in line and get on the ride without waiting. Continue reading

The Whore Gimmick

I’ve been going through my computer and found something I wrote back when Tiger Woods and Jesse James were fucking every woman on the planet.  I’m posting it because it applies nicely to our current society, just insert any celebrity name and the shoe fits.

I noticed that there are tons of groups on Facebook dedicated to calling Jesse James a dick and bashing Tiger Woods.

Thanks to Tiger and Jesse, we now have a new epidemic sweeping the land that I like to call The Whore Gimmick.”  What is it you ask?  Simple, I will explain.

Not only is America the home of the free land of the brave, but it’s also now the home of where any whore can use her tits and pussy to make a quick buck.

Not that being a whore is some new concept, it’s just finally popular and socially acceptable now.   Thank you TMZ, thank you Entertainment Tonight, thanks to every popular web-blog out there who gives these sluts an avenue for making money.

Personally, if I were Tiger or Jesse, I would sue the whores I fucked who are now making money off their dicks for half of the proceeds they make from going public. Continue reading