Douche Bag Gym

(I used to work out in a local gym and that is where the inspiration came from for this post.)

Hey 20 year-old bench press guy… thanks so much for grunting so loud that everyone in the place thought you were passing several golf ball sized kidney stones.

We were all wondering if you would get that last rep.  And by the way, when you are laying on the bench, make sure you put your dick to the side instead of it standing straight up like a mini-sprinkler.  Unless of course that’s your best pick up move.

Hey “I’m a Cougar Hear Me Roar” Mom… doing lunges across the middle of the gym.

I know, your husband is most likely fucking his much younger, much hotter than you secretary and it’s time for you tone up that ass.

And what’s the deal with the fully done “it must be ladies night” makeup and perfume you are wearing.  Continue reading

the great distraction (nothing is real)

“One great big festering neon distraction, I’ve a suggestion to keep you all occupied.  Learn to swim.” Aenema by Tool

If you haven’t noticed yet, nothing is real anymore.  Nothing at all is real anymore.  American Society has been effectively reduced to a group of people who will believe anything fed to them…. as long as the food fits whatever their respective narrative is.

070911-N-4007G-008 SAN DIEGO (Sept. 11, 2007) - American flags bearing the names of victims from the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and Flight 93 on Sept. 11, 2001, adorn a makeshift monument at the Balboa Park 2007 Freedom Walk. Service members and residents from the San Diego community showed their support through the walk to remember those who lost their lives on that day. U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Brian Gaines. (RELEASED)

The media, the politicians, the huge corporations are the predatory birds dropping whatever bits of leftover bullshit they are selling into the willingly open mouths of the baby birds……. the American public.

American Society has become so addicted to instant gratification, that it has no time left for reason.  The headlines are the entire story, don’t worry about searching for the truth.  As long as it fits your respective narrative, then it becomes your truth.  And your truth is absolute.

Stop believing that your political beliefs are correct.  Republicans, Democrats and Independents are not distinctive in any way, shape or form.  Each political party is a different shade of evil, but evil nonetheless.  Your vote does not matter.  Stop thinking it does.

We have become a society distracted by anything that appeals to our senses.  Anything that makes us erect, anything that helps numb us from our mundane lives, anything that gets us through to the next day.

The best part of it all is that none of this matters.  None of this really matters at all.  We are just a bunch of animals, living on a pale blue dot in the middle of nowhere.  But damn, it sure seems bigger than that.  Stay distracted Duh’Merica, stay distracted.




I Like Glue in My Coffee

I like glue in my coffee because I’m a white, gangster, mutherfucking bitch.  Fuck the cream and sugar, I rip tags off mattresses bitches.

When my teacher told me not to eat the glue, I stood up at my desk and said, “I don’t need to eat the glue bitch, I like glue in my coffee mutherfucker.”  She sent me to the office and the principal asked me what my problem was.

I told him, “Fuck you honkey, cracker bitch, you wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be a middle-class white kid trying to make a dollar and pass the third grade.  Shit is real in my neighborhood, the HOA is cracking down on people parking on the streets and making my parents keep the landscaping presentable.  That’s why I like glue in my coffee bitch, because it eases the stress.” 

He told me if I had one more outburst that he was going to expel me.

So I replied, “That’s why I like glue in my coffee mutherfucker, because I want to get expelled, go to an alternative school where I will fit in better nigga’.  I’m tired of all these trick ass ho’s trying to make me do math and read and shit.  That’s why I like glue in my coffee.”

A Fear of Public Toilets

“I’ve always thought that the stereotype of the dirty old man is really the creation of a dirty young man who wants the field to himself.” Hugh Downs

When I was a little kid from about the ages of 6-10, my dad used to take me to Tampa Bay Bucs football games.

I loved football and it was great father/son bonding, but this is where my fear of public bathrooms originated.

I will never forget having to pee, I mean I was a little kid and probably pissed quite a bit.  My dad would walk with me into the bathroom and as I walked in the door a giant, aluminum trough was staring back at me.

There were no urinals on the wall with nice privacy dividers.  There was only the enormous trough up against the wall packed with several men standing shoulder to shoulder in various stages of alcoholic inebriation.  Continue reading

I Love Hispanics

(Given the current political climate regarding immigration, I feel this will always be relevant)

I live in Florida and I constantly hear people bitching about the Hispanic population here.  And I’m tired of it.  Personally I like most Hispanics and here are 10 reasons why:

    1. They work hard
    2. They contributed to nearly all residential/commercial construction in Florida
    3. Their food absolutely kicks ass
    4. Univision has some of the hottest women I’ve ever seen (i watch it on mute)
    5. Their midget wrestling cracks me up
    6. They are genuinely nice people (from my experiences)
    7. They are incredibly gifted coke dealers
    8. Did I mention the midget wrestlers???
    9. Half of them are named “Jesus”
    10. They are stupendous landscapers.

This is mostly tongue-n-cheek, but seriously, I will take a Hispanic any day over a dumb ass redneck, white trailer trash or black trash.  I do get tired of them not paying any taxes though and how can each male claim 8 on their withholding? Damn clever.

Email #10 (a poem)

Hi, it’s me again

I know, another email

Can I

be your friend?

just click “accept friend request”

it’s online, safe like your gated community

no realness, no weekend barbeques

no disjointed, clumsy

barstool meet n greet

where you flip

your bleached hair

5, 10, 15 times

and pretend to look into my eyes

between Miller Lites and Jameson shots

thoughts dusted with cigarette ash

no excited stumbling

back to my place

where soiled sheets don’t matter

your hooker skirt doesn’t matter

but your unbathed, glowing cunt

breathes freedom onto my cock

just click “accept friend request”

email #10

God and the Gay Dude

A gay dude walked into a bar and God was sitting at a corner booth looking all cool and shit while stroking his white beard.  The conversation went something like this:

Gay Dude– Hey there, is that really you?  Are you God?

  God– Yes my son, behold, for it is me, the Almighty.

Gay Dude(clapping gingerly) Finally, I’ve been looking for you for like years.  I have a really, really important question for you.

  God– Anything my son, what’s on your mind?

Gay Dude– Well, I’m afraid you don’t love me.

  God– Why would you think that?  I am God, I love everyone.  I created you in my image.

Gay Dude– But I like other dudes.

  God-Well so do I, what’s wrong with that???

Gay Dude– No, I mean I realllllllllllllllly like other dudes.  I like penises.  I like to touch them, lick them and put them in my ass.

  God– Holy Shit, I get it now.  You are a fag, hmmmmm.  Yeah, I don’t really like fags that much.  You know, I’m still pissed about all that Sodom and Gomorrah shit that went down a while back.

Gay Dude– But do you love me?  I was born this way, does that mean you are gay too, since you created me in your image and all???

  God– Look buddy, I love pussy.  We had a security breach in heaven years ago and Beelzebub snuck in and started creating fags just to fuck with me.  I so didn’t create fags.  But now lesbians, I love me some lesbians.  I take full credit for them. (winking)

Gay Dude– This is bullshit.

  God– Get used to it and be thankful, at least you aren’t a black fag.