a question for “christians”

(Disclaimer: I think all politicians are self-serving, pieces of shit)

angry_trump_0Of all the incredible events from the election and our revelations from our now President Trump, one thing has truly baffled me:

How in the hell can Christians, from evangelicals to the mild believer, have voted for Trump?  How in the context of the Bible was that even possible?

I feel like Trump embodies several characteristics that most churches throughout our country view as abhorrent and very non-Christ like.  There are numerous biblical verses that provide examples of this, below are a few of my favorites:

“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.” James 3:16

“He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom.” Proverbs 18:1

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3

Again, I ask all Christians….. How could you have voted for Trump?  How?  How?  I honestly want to know.  I want to hear how you justify it.

As I’m left to form my own opinions about this, I have to speculate.   It appears to me that your hatred of the other candidates, which is highly un-biblical, led you to “settle” for Trump.

Or was is because Trump picked an evangelical VP in Mike Pence???  Do you really think Pence will be able to calm Trump down?  Seriously???

I am honestly asking for Christians to comment on this post and help me understand this.  Please comment.  I promise I will only engage in intelligent discourse.  I’m not writing this post to fight, I truly want to understand.

Cheers

 

 

STOP F***ing praying

prayerPlease, I implore you….. please stop praying.  If you haven’t noticed, it aint fucking working.

“God works in mysterious ways.” 

Wow, he certainly does. So far his mysterious ways should lead any coherent person to ask God the following:

“Just what the fuck are you waiting on.  I mean shit, we’ve been praying our asses off and you just seem to be napping.  Oh, I’m sorry father, I have faith in you.  I shouldn’t question your omniscient graceful hand.”

With each new mass killing of innocent people; the prayers ramp up, the social media profile pictures change and people everywhere blabber about change.

But guess what?  Nothing…… fucking……changes.  Your prayers are only useful for helping you feel better about yourself.  Prayer does nothing tangible.  It never has and it never will.

As long as people continue to be less educated, less informed and angry, none of this shit will change.

But don’t worry, Tim Tebow and Scott Baio will be speaking at the Republican National Convention……….. all of our troubles will be solved.

Tebow prays and guy still dies

tebow

Duh’Merica has struck again and with ridiculous precision.  So, the all American, white christian, ex-crappy NFL quarterback Tim Tebow did something amazing the other day.

Something so amazing that the Duh’Merican media collectively shit and jizzed in their pants simultaneously.

What did he do you ask????  Well, a man on his flight suffered a heart attack and Timmy (Baby Jesus), gathered several people on the plane and prayed.  Yes, he led a prayer session.

The media went absolutely apeshit while millions of Duh’Mericans nodded their heads in appreciative unison.

“Tim Tebow is the greatest man since Jesus himself.  He prayed on a plane with some strangers.  I still can’t believe no NFL team will sign him,” said Clyde from Missouri.

Tim Tebow Leads Passengers in Prayer as Man on Flight Suffers Heart Attack

Now you are probably wondering exactly what happened to the poor heart attack man.  Well, he was resuscitated by a man on the flight other than Timmy Prayer boy, but you will have to look at the bottom of every story to find that nugget.

Maybe the media should have a least given a shout out to the guy who actually did something tangible…… like trying to save a life with CPR.

Sadly, the heart attack man later died at the hospital.  So really, Timmy Terrible NFL Quarterback actually didn’t do shit.  Apparently he didn’t pray hard enough, because his God decided it was time for the heart attack man to leave Earth.

And even more sadly, the Duh’Merican media lost their collective heads because a white dude prayed with some people on a plane.

What a fucking joke.  Maybe one day Duh’Mericans will be able to stop drooling over a bad NFL quarterback who still hasn’t ejaculated yet.  Maybe all the backed up semen in his body interfered with the prayer getting through to God.

Cheers

 

 

Jesus Went to Supercuts

photo-15So, a nice old Jehovah woman rang my doorbell today and handed me the above pamphlet.  She was not pushy at all, but rather just invited me to come get all my questions answered about Jesus. She didn’t even give me any Watchtower hand-outs, I was shocked. I thanked her and closed the door.

Of course most people find Jehovah Witnesses incredibly annoying and I generally find myself feeling that way too.  But after looking at this beautiful depiction of Jesus, I began to think about Jehovahs in a different light. Continue reading

God in Schools (the end is near)

letter-from-godIn traffic today I saw this bumper sticker:

“Dear God, Why do you let bad things happen in schools?” “Dear Son, I’m not allowed in schools.”

I almost crashed into the back of the car when I read this.  This is the kind of unintelligent, undynamic,  and unoriginal thought that has been and continues to ruin this country.

(Yes, I am aware that undynamic is probably not a word, but I like it)

Maybe I’m the idiot here, maybe I’m the dolt, the blockhead, the bonehead, the meathead, the lunk………..well, you get the idea.

I fail to see any logic with that bumper sticker.  I fail to see any logic at all.

I’m guessing that if kids in school prayed more there would be less teachers sending them texts of their cocks, tits and fucking them in detention.  And I mean true “fucking” in the sexual sense, not “fucking” them as in fucking them out of a decent education. Continue reading

God and the Gay Dude

A gay dude walked into a bar and God was sitting at a corner booth looking all cool and shit while stroking his white beard.  The conversation went something like this:

Gay Dude– Hey there, is that really you?  Are you God?

  God– Yes my son, behold, for it is me, the Almighty.

Gay Dude(clapping gingerly) Finally, I’ve been looking for you for like years.  I have a really, really important question for you.

  God– Anything my son, what’s on your mind?

Gay Dude– Well, I’m afraid you don’t love me.

  God– Why would you think that?  I am God, I love everyone.  I created you in my image.

Gay Dude– But I like other dudes.

  God-Well so do I, what’s wrong with that???

Gay Dude– No, I mean I realllllllllllllllly like other dudes.  I like penises.  I like to touch them, lick them and put them in my ass.

  God– Holy Shit, I get it now.  You are a fag, hmmmmm.  Yeah, I don’t really like fags that much.  You know, I’m still pissed about all that Sodom and Gomorrah shit that went down a while back.

Gay Dude– But do you love me?  I was born this way, does that mean you are gay too, since you created me in your image and all???

  God– Look buddy, I love pussy.  We had a security breach in heaven years ago and Beelzebub snuck in and started creating fags just to fuck with me.  I so didn’t create fags.  But now lesbians, I love me some lesbians.  I take full credit for them. (winking)

Gay Dude– This is bullshit.

  God– Get used to it and be thankful, at least you aren’t a black fag.

The First Honest Obituary

Recently, my grandfather passed away at the age of 88.  I won’t bore you with the details.  He was a great man, lived a great life and he died.  That’s just life.

As my family prepared his obituary for the local paper, it got me thinking about a couple of things.  Have you ever noticed how obituaries are always positive and always portray the dead person as a freaking saint?

Now, this has nothing to do with my grandfather, he actually was a saint and never hurt a soul.

But, I would like to prepare an obituary for a hypothetical dead person who was a real piece of shit.

Billy Ray Bumpkus 1980-2012, from Anytown, USA

Well, we all knew it was coming.  Satan finally cashed in Billy Ray’s soul ticket and took him to the depths of hell where he belongs.

We all wondered how it would happen.  Hell, the whole family and neighborhood had a death pool going.

Congrats to Billy Ray’s cousin Lula Bell who correctly predicted that he would die by being bitten by his pet Black Mamba named Hitler.  $100 to you Lula Bell, well done.

Early Life:  Billy Ray was a fairly destructive child.  At age 7, while still breastfeeding, he stumbled upon his neighbor’s meth lab and set the entire trailer park on fire when he tried to light a Newport.  After that incident, Billy Ray began drinking heavily and became known as the “Trailer Park Firestarter.” Continue reading