A hunting pastor shot dead (shit tons of irony)

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You can’t even make this shit up. These poor AR-15’s just can’t catch a break.

A pastor hunting in the North Carolina woods was mistaken for a coyote by another hunter and shot dead.

So much irony here.  How in the hell does a hunter mistake a man for a coyote?  Last time I checked, coyotes are about the size of a medium dog or a small hobbit.

Well done hunter of the year.  Maybe lay of the meth and Mountain Dew before you pull out your AR-15 and start shooting into the woods.

I guess he could always use the “Hobbit Defense” at trial.  “Your honor, I swear it was one of them little, furry hobbit things from Lord of the Rings.  People ’round these parts have been seein’ em for years.  I wanted to be the first to kill one,” said the killer.

Hunter using animal caller is mistaken for coyote and killed

Hunting pastor using animal caller mistaken for coyote, fatally shot

And probably the cruelest irony of this story is this:  Where the fuck was God on this one????  I mean holy shit, you let a Baptist pastor get shot and killed. 

Well, I guess in God’s defense there has been a huge increase in prayers lately from Republicans and the NRA for the families of all the victims of the Parkland, Fl school shooting.

God’s just too damn busy these days.  Keep praying Duh’Merica, keep praying.

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Here’s why you shouldn’t vote for Roy Moore

Roy-Moore

Vote for me and my six-shooter…….

Dear Alabamians, today is the day for you to show the entire country exactly how backwards you are.

It’s incredibly difficult to find out whether all the sexual abuse allegations are true, so let’s make it easy.  I want all you Alabama voters to just throw that out the door.  Yep, forget it all together.

Why???  Because Roy Moore’s beliefs/statements are so insane he gives you a plethora of other valid reasons NOT to vote for him.  Read the full article on Politico below:

The 7 most inflammatory things Roy Moore has said

Here’s a quick summary of some of his beliefs:

  1. He believes that Obama was not born in the United States.
  2. He believes that 911 was caused because God was mad at the United States because of gays, sodomy and abortion.
  3. He thinks that the “providential hand of God” put Trump in the White House.

Do you really need any more reason not to vote for Moore?  Most reasonable people understand that Moore is a religious lunatic.  But then again, we are talking about Alabama here.

If I were a betting man, I would bet the house that Moore does win.  If you’ve ever been to Alabama you would fully understand.

Thanks a lot Duh’Merica, we deserve this asshole.

a question for “christians”

(Disclaimer: I think all politicians are self-serving, pieces of shit)

angry_trump_0Of all the incredible events from the election and our revelations from our now President Trump, one thing has truly baffled me:

How in the hell can Christians, from evangelicals to the mild believer, have voted for Trump?  How in the context of the Bible was that even possible?

I feel like Trump embodies several characteristics that most churches throughout our country view as abhorrent and very non-Christ like.  There are numerous biblical verses that provide examples of this, below are a few of my favorites:

“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.” James 3:16

“He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom.” Proverbs 18:1

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3

Again, I ask all Christians….. How could you have voted for Trump?  How?  How?  I honestly want to know.  I want to hear how you justify it.

As I’m left to form my own opinions about this, I have to speculate.   It appears to me that your hatred of the other candidates, which is highly un-biblical, led you to “settle” for Trump.

Or was is because Trump picked an evangelical VP in Mike Pence???  Do you really think Pence will be able to calm Trump down?  Seriously???

I am honestly asking for Christians to comment on this post and help me understand this.  Please comment.  I promise I will only engage in intelligent discourse.  I’m not writing this post to fight, I truly want to understand.

Cheers

 

 

Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

STOP F***ing praying

prayerPlease, I implore you….. please stop praying.  If you haven’t noticed, it aint fucking working.

“God works in mysterious ways.” 

Wow, he certainly does. So far his mysterious ways should lead any coherent person to ask God the following:

“Just what the fuck are you waiting on.  I mean shit, we’ve been praying our asses off and you just seem to be napping.  Oh, I’m sorry father, I have faith in you.  I shouldn’t question your omniscient graceful hand.”

With each new mass killing of innocent people; the prayers ramp up, the social media profile pictures change and people everywhere blabber about change.

But guess what?  Nothing…… fucking……changes.  Your prayers are only useful for helping you feel better about yourself.  Prayer does nothing tangible.  It never has and it never will.

As long as people continue to be less educated, less informed and angry, none of this shit will change.

But don’t worry, Tim Tebow and Scott Baio will be speaking at the Republican National Convention……….. all of our troubles will be solved.

Tebow prays and guy still dies

tebow

Duh’Merica has struck again and with ridiculous precision.  So, the all American, white christian, ex-crappy NFL quarterback Tim Tebow did something amazing the other day.

Something so amazing that the Duh’Merican media collectively shit and jizzed in their pants simultaneously.

What did he do you ask????  Well, a man on his flight suffered a heart attack and Timmy (Baby Jesus), gathered several people on the plane and prayed.  Yes, he led a prayer session.

The media went absolutely apeshit while millions of Duh’Mericans nodded their heads in appreciative unison.

“Tim Tebow is the greatest man since Jesus himself.  He prayed on a plane with some strangers.  I still can’t believe no NFL team will sign him,” said Clyde from Missouri.

Tim Tebow Leads Passengers in Prayer as Man on Flight Suffers Heart Attack

Now you are probably wondering exactly what happened to the poor heart attack man.  Well, he was resuscitated by a man on the flight other than Timmy Prayer boy, but you will have to look at the bottom of every story to find that nugget.

Maybe the media should have a least given a shout out to the guy who actually did something tangible…… like trying to save a life with CPR.

Sadly, the heart attack man later died at the hospital.  So really, Timmy Terrible NFL Quarterback actually didn’t do shit.  Apparently he didn’t pray hard enough, because his God decided it was time for the heart attack man to leave Earth.

And even more sadly, the Duh’Merican media lost their collective heads because a white dude prayed with some people on a plane.

What a fucking joke.  Maybe one day Duh’Mericans will be able to stop drooling over a bad NFL quarterback who still hasn’t ejaculated yet.  Maybe all the backed up semen in his body interfered with the prayer getting through to God.

Cheers

 

 

Jesus Went to Supercuts

photo-15So, a nice old Jehovah woman rang my doorbell today and handed me the above pamphlet.  She was not pushy at all, but rather just invited me to come get all my questions answered about Jesus. She didn’t even give me any Watchtower hand-outs, I was shocked. I thanked her and closed the door.

Of course most people find Jehovah Witnesses incredibly annoying and I generally find myself feeling that way too.  But after looking at this beautiful depiction of Jesus, I began to think about Jehovahs in a different light. Continue reading