Mandatory Sterilization (Yep, I said it)

I am a proponent of mandatory sterilization and here is why: (my true feelings mixed with some humor)

I believe that some people should not be allowed to breed.  For example, a while ago a mother left her two infant children alone in a bath tub while she was outside on her patio surfing the web.

Solution easy– tie her tubes, she shouldn’t be allowed to have any more children and take the one surviving child away from her.

Any time a mother or father does something this stupid, they should lose their breeding privileges and they should be sterilized.  Why should they be allowed the potential to harm any more children?  Makes no sense to me.

I mean when someone gets a few DUI’s or speeding tickets, the government takes your license away.  Why not sterilize then?  If a parent makes 2 idiotic life threatening mistakes in respect to their children, bring out the scalpel.

“But I didn’t think little Skeeter would get hurt if I locked him inside the house with my 3 pit bulls while I was out buying lotto tickets and getting another case of Natural Lite Ice, he is 3 years old now.”

Sorry dip-shit, put your feet in the stirrups, it’s time to get neutered.

I know what you are thinking…….“but surely there will be opposition from the people you are wanting to sterilize.”

Of course there will be opposition, but that’s an easy fix.  All you have to do is offer them cases of Mountain Dew, Benson & Hedges cigs, barrels of ranch dressing, gift certificates to Dollar General, or free tanning coupons.  That should do the trick.

“I didn’t know that if I left Betty Lou locked in the car while I ran into Cato looking for stirrup pants that she could get injured.  I mean I even turned the car off and rolled up the windows so as to make sure the engine didn’t make her hot.  It was only 95 degrees out.  I really needed them stirrup pants anyhow, I had to try on 4 pairs, I was only gone 45 minutes.”

Sorry miss, put your feet in the stirrups, it’s time to harvest your uterus.

Seriously, there are plenty of people who shouldn’t be allowed to breed.  Sterilization seems like a great idea to me.  Any thoughts??

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Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

John Travolta & a Redneck Walk Into a Bar…….

(The past few days I noticed that my site views were higher than normal so I check out what was being viewed the most.  I was a little surprised to see that my top three blog posts for the week were about John Travolta, Rednecks and pit bulls.)

So, I decided to write a little story that incorporates all three:

Characters:

Pam the Bartender– she’s about 48 years old, with stringy blonde hair and looks like a meth addict.

John Travolta- playing himself of course

Skeeter the Redneck– a very prideful Southern man who obviously hates gays, blacks and anyone who doesn’t believe in God.  He’s about 6’4” tall and built like a lumberjack, a big goatee and mullet hair.

Hitler the Pit-Bull- Skeeter’s dog who will attack, he has a Confederate Flag collar

Fade In– a somewhat seedy bar in Sanford, Fl (where the Trayvon Martin ordeal took place).  Travolta is already sitting at the bar, smiling creepily and ordering Cosmopolitans as Skeeter walks in with his pit bull Hitler. Continue reading

The First Honest Obituary

Recently, my grandfather passed away at the age of 88.  I won’t bore you with the details.  He was a great man, lived a great life and he died.  That’s just life.

As my family prepared his obituary for the local paper, it got me thinking about a couple of things.  Have you ever noticed how obituaries are always positive and always portray the dead person as a freaking saint?

Now, this has nothing to do with my grandfather, he actually was a saint and never hurt a soul.

But, I would like to prepare an obituary for a hypothetical dead person who was a real piece of shit.

Billy Ray Bumpkus 1980-2012, from Anytown, USA

Well, we all knew it was coming.  Satan finally cashed in Billy Ray’s soul ticket and took him to the depths of hell where he belongs.

We all wondered how it would happen.  Hell, the whole family and neighborhood had a death pool going.

Congrats to Billy Ray’s cousin Lula Bell who correctly predicted that he would die by being bitten by his pet Black Mamba named Hitler.  $100 to you Lula Bell, well done.

Early Life:  Billy Ray was a fairly destructive child.  At age 7, while still breastfeeding, he stumbled upon his neighbor’s meth lab and set the entire trailer park on fire when he tried to light a Newport.  After that incident, Billy Ray began drinking heavily and became known as the “Trailer Park Firestarter.” Continue reading

I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

Ebonics; A Partly True Story

(I wrote this while I was in college working at the mall in a woman’s clothing store in the mid 90’s. I know, a male working at a woman’s clothing store, very progressive of me at the time.  And by the way, I’m not even remotely racist, so just relax while you read this.  I make fun of all people, regardless of their color.)

While at work the other day, I was reminded of the horrible cultural phenomenon sweeping through the South. A light-skinned African American girl walked gracefully into my store and I noticed she had one of our black, plastic bags curled between her fingers. As I looked closer, I could see that the bag was nearly full. This meant either one of two things; she wanted to return or exchange merchandise.

I approached her, like a good assistant manager should, and asked if I could help her. As she opened her mouth to speak I was nearly blinded by several gold, capped teeth, especially by the left front tooth that was gold with a diamond shaped into the middle.

“Yes, I done bought these jeans a couple week ago and they too tight. Some crazy body must a’ sized these mo fo’s wrong. I fina make a exchangement,” she said with misguided confidence. Continue reading

The Best Dream Ever

It starts with me walking down a poorly lit hallway with several doors on each side, some cracked open and some closed.  I want to look in each door, but something is making me nervous to look.  But I look anyway.

The first door is numbered 666 and I open it.  There is a huge bed in the middle of the room and I see Rush Limbaugh dressed like a catholic school girl and he has black mascara dripping down his bulbous cheeks like he’s been crying.  He looks at me with his God-Fearing eyes and points to the corner.

In the corner there are two Filipino adult midgets tied together with ball-gags in their mouths, smiling and sitting on top of a very worn out Twister board.

Then out of the closet, Justin Beiber runs out dressed in a lederhosen t-back carrying a crystal magic wand.  He flips his hair, points the wand at Rush and says, “Lady-Boy Alive.”  Immediately Rush grows HHH titties and starts giggling like he’s on laughing gas.

He gets down on all fours on the edge of the bed and Justin mounts him and starts riding him like a donkey.  Rush squeals and Justin just keeps flipping his hair.  Then Usher appears with a video camera and starts taping the whole thing and tells me he’s going to put it on You Tube.

I’m starting to feel a little weird about everything so I try to help the Filipino midgets get untied.

They start blowing me kisses, so I run out of the room and slam the door shut.  At the end of the hallway I see my 5th grade teacher standing next to a urinal and she says, “I told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything.”  I wake up and realized I pissed myself, again.