Dog the Bounty Hunter in Bradentucky

Sweet Mullet and Boob sandwich

BRADENTUCKY MAN

dogHOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT…………………. this is going to be huge. Dog the Bounty Hunter is again coming to Bradentucky.

Dog and his oddly gigantic breasted wife Beth will be speaking at the Source church in east Bradenton.

Can I get a big “HELL YEAH” from the congregation?????  These two are the perfect couple to bring their road preachin’ to Bradentucky.

I mean shit, they look like they could be lifelong Oneco residents.  Dog’s mullet, his wife-beater shirts and all that damn leather, perfect.  And Beth can seriously rock those dream catcher earrings.

They would fit in like redneck camouflage on Coquina Beach.  Don’t even try to tell me you can’t see Dog rockin’ a cut-off jean short bathing suit. 

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Red, White and Boo (a poem)

I see your Katie Perry

And I raise you Beyonce.

What ever happened to real art, like the Fat Boys?

Now, just splendid drivel cascading from the youthful mouth

Texting, sexting, pursed lips and Jersey Shore dreams.

Find China on a map? Fuck You, I’m getting my nails done at 3.

Be careful young ones, the noodles and puppy nuggets are coming to a store near you.

I see your E Hollywood News

And raise you Dancing With the Stars.

Posting every mundane bit of your daily shit for all to see

Facebook, Twitter, MySpace your freaking life away

My eyes, dried and burnt from your “Do you like me?” poll.

Keep your pom poms clean and your cell phone charged.

I see your De-evolution

And go all in with your soul

Shouldn’t be difficult to call my bet

You are another failed demographic, another vapid target market.

Trump meets with Steve Harvey???

Yeah, I’m real fucking confused.  Our president, D Trump, took a meeting with annoyingly mustachioed “comedian” Steve Harvey.  Hold the fucking phone here.

Our Fearless Leader Meets With Steve Harvey

What the what?  What the fuck?  Fuck the what?

According to reporters, the first thing our golden-haired president did was call Ben Carson and put him on speaker.  Well, hell yeah.  It makes sense that he called the only black person he knows to join the conversation.steve-harvey-donald-trump

And then they talked about how to help people in the inner cities.

Yes, you heard that correctly.  President Golden Shower spoke with two incredibly wealthy black dudes who haven’t lived in a ghetto since they were children.  Wow, now that’s progress.

I’m sure that every poor, real ghetto person feels better today.  They probably walked outside and quoted Ice Cube, “Today, I didn’t even have to use my AK.  I got a say it was a good day.”

(Someone should probably tell Dr. Carson who Ice Cube is.)

Probably the best part for me will be when all the pasty, white conservatives will pound their chest and say, “See, Mr. Trump really cares about the black community.  He’s going to make a difference.”

Duh’Merica, you are a dirty, dirty whore.  Go to the clinic and get tested immediately.

Duh’Merica loses again (trump)

ct-trump-pence-huppke-20160715I’ve been away for a while, but decided there was no better time than now to return.

I mean holy shit, how can I resist commenting and biggest Duh’Merica movement ever????

The dumb-ass collective, or rather, America, actually elected Donald Fucking Trump and Mike “Pray the Gay Away” Pence.

To be clear, I dislike Trump and Hilary just about equally. For the first time in my life, I left the voting booth feeling like I was just diagnosed with having either HIV or Ebola.  Yes, it was that bad.

But let me digress.  How did this happen?  How in the hell did America elect an internet troll as our President?

It was a combination of things.  Trump is a brilliant marketer of himself.  This fact cannot be debated.  And after all, elections are essentially marketing competitions. He destroyed Hilary by marketing himself to a huge group of Duh’Mericans. Continue reading

4 idiots on the espys (go back to your mansions)

On the ESPY’s the other night, we were enlightened by Lebron James, Carmello Anthony, Chris Paul and Dwayne Wade about racism and cops.  Thanks a whole fucking lot assholes.

Rich Black Dudes Talk About Justice

It cracks me up when millionaire athletes speak about issues they long left behind them once they signed their first contracts.  These are the same athletes who are encouraged to drop any of their ghetto friends and family the moment they make the big time.

2016-espys-lebron-james-dwyane-wade-chris-paul-carmelo-anthony-videoYet here they are, speaking to the public about black men being shot by non-black police.

Now, please keep in mind, these same four people have never spoken to a national audience about stopping any other violence in the communities they once lived in, but only now when a cop is involved.

I view myself as a human and this a human problem.  Black cops kill black people.  White cops kill white people.  Hispanic cops kill Hispanic people.  This happens all the time.  But sadly, these rubes pander to the media’s narrative that the only lives that matter are the black ones who are killed by non-black cops.

People of all colors should be highly offended by this.  But it’s too difficult to actually give a shit about reality.  It’s too difficult to realize that we are all humans.  We are Americans first.  But fuck that, that’s too hard to grasp and doesn’t garner enough clicks and views.

So, as those four athletes talk about making changes and stopping the violence what exactly are they going to do?  They are going to say what’s popular, get in their limos and drive back to their gated community where they live all the other rich people who are not affected by violence.

Four athletes who make money by throwing a ball into a hoop just changed the world.  Actually, they didn’t do shit and what they said doesn’t mean shit.  If you don’t believe me, check back in five years and let me know what they actually did to change anything.

 

 

 

John Travolta & a Redneck Walk Into a Bar…….

(The past few days I noticed that my site views were higher than normal so I check out what was being viewed the most.  I was a little surprised to see that my top three blog posts for the week were about John Travolta, Rednecks and pit bulls.)

So, I decided to write a little story that incorporates all three:

Characters:

Pam the Bartender– she’s about 48 years old, with stringy blonde hair and looks like a meth addict.

John Travolta- playing himself of course

Skeeter the Redneck– a very prideful Southern man who obviously hates gays, blacks and anyone who doesn’t believe in God.  He’s about 6’4” tall and built like a lumberjack, a big goatee and mullet hair.

Hitler the Pit-Bull- Skeeter’s dog who will attack, he has a Confederate Flag collar

Fade In– a somewhat seedy bar in Sanford, Fl (where the Trayvon Martin ordeal took place).  Travolta is already sitting at the bar, smiling creepily and ordering Cosmopolitans as Skeeter walks in with his pit bull Hitler. Continue reading

I Love Hispanics

(Given the current political climate regarding immigration, I feel this will always be relevant)

I live in Florida and I constantly hear people bitching about the Hispanic population here.  And I’m tired of it.  Personally I like most Hispanics and here are 10 reasons why:

    1. They work hard
    2. They contributed to nearly all residential/commercial construction in Florida
    3. Their food absolutely kicks ass
    4. Univision has some of the hottest women I’ve ever seen (i watch it on mute)
    5. Their midget wrestling cracks me up
    6. They are genuinely nice people (from my experiences)
    7. They are incredibly gifted coke dealers
    8. Did I mention the midget wrestlers???
    9. Half of them are named “Jesus”
    10. They are stupendous landscapers.

This is mostly tongue-n-cheek, but seriously, I will take a Hispanic any day over a dumb ass redneck, white trailer trash or black trash.  I do get tired of them not paying any taxes though and how can each male claim 8 on their withholding? Damn clever.