Duh’Merica loses again (trump)

ct-trump-pence-huppke-20160715I’ve been away for a while, but decided there was no better time than now to return.

I mean holy shit, how can I resist commenting and biggest Duh’Merica movement ever????

The dumb-ass collective, or rather, America, actually elected Donald Fucking Trump and Mike “Pray the Gay Away” Pence.

To be clear, I dislike Trump and Hilary just about equally. For the first time in my life, I left the voting booth feeling like I was just diagnosed with having either HIV or Ebola.  Yes, it was that bad.

But let me digress.  How did this happen?  How in the hell did America elect an internet troll as our President?

It was a combination of things.  Trump is a brilliant marketer of himself.  This fact cannot be debated.  And after all, elections are essentially marketing competitions. He destroyed Hilary by marketing himself to a huge group of Duh’Mericans. Continue reading

Douche Bag Gym

(I used to work out in a local gym and that is where the inspiration came from for this post.)

Hey 20 year-old bench press guy… thanks so much for grunting so loud that everyone in the place thought you were passing several golf ball sized kidney stones.

We were all wondering if you would get that last rep.  And by the way, when you are laying on the bench, make sure you put your dick to the side instead of it standing straight up like a mini-sprinkler.  Unless of course that’s your best pick up move.

Hey “I’m a Cougar Hear Me Roar” Mom… doing lunges across the middle of the gym.

I know, your husband is most likely fucking his much younger, much hotter than you secretary and it’s time for you tone up that ass.

And what’s the deal with the fully done “it must be ladies night” makeup and perfume you are wearing.  Continue reading

John Travolta & a Redneck Walk Into a Bar…….

(The past few days I noticed that my site views were higher than normal so I check out what was being viewed the most.  I was a little surprised to see that my top three blog posts for the week were about John Travolta, Rednecks and pit bulls.)

So, I decided to write a little story that incorporates all three:

Characters:

Pam the Bartender– she’s about 48 years old, with stringy blonde hair and looks like a meth addict.

John Travolta- playing himself of course

Skeeter the Redneck– a very prideful Southern man who obviously hates gays, blacks and anyone who doesn’t believe in God.  He’s about 6’4” tall and built like a lumberjack, a big goatee and mullet hair.

Hitler the Pit-Bull- Skeeter’s dog who will attack, he has a Confederate Flag collar

Fade In– a somewhat seedy bar in Sanford, Fl (where the Trayvon Martin ordeal took place).  Travolta is already sitting at the bar, smiling creepily and ordering Cosmopolitans as Skeeter walks in with his pit bull Hitler. Continue reading

kayne (don’t do it Zuckerberg)

(I feel like I need to re-post this in light of Kayne dropping another deuce….. I mean new album.  Hey Mark Zuckerberg, before you give this douche any money, see the below video.)

I have plenty of disdain for Kim Kardashian (Becoming Kim K) and almost as much for her husband Kayne.

Bill Hicks once said, “You do a commercial, you’re off the artistic roll call forever.  End of story.” 

Well, I’m pretty sure if Hicks was alive today and watched Kayne’s video “Bound 2” he would have included Kayne in this category without exception.  A matter of fact, if Hicks were alive to see this video, he probably would have spooned his eyeballs out of their sockets with plastic sporks.

Forget whatever you liked about Kayne before this video.  Forget everything.  He could have cured cancer the day before this video aired and it would not have mattered.  This video is 100% hot garbage.  When I first watched it, I thought it was a Saturday Night Live parody.

Then I realized that Kayne was actually trying to portray this as “artistic.”  Sorry Kayne, but the parody by Seth Rogen and Jame Franco is truly artistic.

Kayne had some talent, but then was derailed by Kim’s ass and titties and everything will go downhill from there.  Sure Kayne, you can call this video art.  And I can call it horribly shitty art.  I win.

I, Duh’Merica, am declaring you officially removed from the artistic roll call.  Nice try asshole.

 

Most Overrated Bands

Like most people, I love music.  I understand that everyone has different tastes, but there are several bands that I think absolutely suck giant donkey balls who are incredibly famous.  I just don’t get it.  Please, somebody help me.

Here’s my list of overrated bands, in no particular order:

Aerosmith– An androgynous lead singer and one of their most famous songs is called “Love in an Elevator”.  Come on people, that’s just ridiculous.  And ladies, Steven Tyler is not hot by any stretch of the imagination.  Did you notice him ogling pre-teens as an American Idol judge?  Pure rock star there.

Bruce Springsteen“Born in the U.S.A.”, no shit Bruce, as if we couldn’t tell.  I refuse to listen to his music until he stops chewing on marbles.  Please, someone enlighten me as to what language he speaks.  Is it English, is it blue-collar Jersey, is it some form of white Ebonics? The best thing Bruce did was get his guitarist a lead role on the Sopranos.

The Smiths– no offense to homosexuals, but this band is as queer as a football bat.  The hair, the pageantry, the flitting around the microphone like it’s a luscious cock, need I say more?

The Rolling Stones– Yes, I went there.  Talk about a grotesques group of over-achievers, WOW.  Mick Jagger looks like a horribly miscalculated Muppett creation and Keith Richards looks like a cigarette that has been shoved up a homeless guys ass, dipped in Scotch and smoked yet again.  No band can stay together for 150 years and be considered great.

Oasis– What-the-fuck-ever.  Here’s the story morning glory.  You are a band of petulant, whiny, uni-brow wearing Brits who are dying to be Radiohead.  Please stay away from Glastonbury and do not attempt a comeback.  “Champagne Super Nova in the Sky?”  Exactly, I rest my case.

Thanks for listening to another one of my rants.  I appreciate it.

In case you were wondering, a few of my favorite bands are; The Pixies, Radiohead, G-Love and the Special Sauce, Sublime, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Mickey Avalon and Yellowman.  Hopefully they aren’t on your overrated list.

Did Tony Fuck Angela?

(A while ago I had a gmail blogger account and posted this.  One of my favorite poets,Misti Rainwater-Lites posted a nice comment about it.  Sure it could have been a Misti imposter, but I like to tell myself it was really her.)

I keep asking myself the question………… Did Tony ever fuck Angela? I want to know, I want to know badly. If he did, I think it would have gone  something like this:

Tony approached her right after he finished vacuuming the drapes. She had probably just returned home from a hard day of work at her advertising agency. She was standing by the door teasing her Grayish-streaked hair, almost inviting him to taste her middle-aged grapes.

“Hey Angela, you are looking pretty hot standing there by the door. Why don’t you come a little closer so I can fuck you up the ass,” Tony would quip.

“Oh Tony, you are so boorish, so Italian, so ruggedly…………….. what time is dinner,” Angela would blush and retreat to the kitchen.

Then Mona would enter the room, arm entwined with a an old drunk who resembled Bukowski. Tony and Angela could both smell the sex on her breath as she paraded around the room with the misguided confidence only shared by Blanche from the Golden Girls. Continue reading